THE
COURT
BEGGAR.

Dramatis Personæ.

[Link]
Sir Andrew MENDICANT,†an old Knight, turned a Projector†.
Mr. COURT-WIT, a Complimenter*†.
Mr. SWAIN-WIT†, a blunt Country Gentleman.
Mr. CIT-WIT, a Citizen's† Son that supposes himself a wit.
Mr. DAINTY, a supposed Picture-drawer,† but a Pick-pocket.
Sir RAPHAEL, an old Knight that talks much and would be thought wise.
Sir FERDINAND, a Knight distracted† for love of the Lady Strangelove.
FREDERICK, in love with Charissa.
GABRIEL, servant to Mendicant.
DOCTOR of Physic.†
Three poor PROJECTORS†.
A BOY.
A SERVANT.
A Sow-gelder.†

Lady STRANGELOVE, a humorous† widow, that loved to be courted.
PHILOMEL,* her Chambermaid.†
CHARISSA,* Mendicant's Daughter.

Prologue.


2Prologue.We’ve cause to fear yours, or the Poet’s frown
        For of late days (he knows not how) you’re grown,
        Deeply in love with a new strain of wit
        Which he condemns, at least disliketh it,
        And solemnly protests you are to blame
        If at his hands you do expect the same.
        He’ll tread his usual way: no gaudy† scene
        Shall give instructions,† what his plot doth mean.*
         No handsome† love-toy† shall your time beguile,†
        Forcing your pity to a sigh or smile,*
        But a slight piece of mirth; yet such were writ
        By our great masters of the stage and wit,
        Whom you approved. Let not your suffrage,† then,
        Condemn’t in him, and praise’t in other men.
        ’Troth,† gentlemen, let me advise you, spare
        To vex† the poet full of age and care,
        How he might strive to please you and beguile†
        His humorous† expectation with a smile,
        As if you would be satisfied, although
        His comedy contains no antic* show.
        Yet you to him your favour may express
        As well as unto those whose forwardness†
        Makes them your creatures† thought,* who in a way
        To purchase fame give money with their play.*
        Yet you sometimes pay dear for’t, since they write
        Less for your pleasure than their own delight,
        Which if our poet fail in, may he be
        A scene of mirth in their next comedy.*
ACT ONE
1.1*
[Enter] MENDICANT [and] CHARISSA.

3MendicantYou’ve given him then his answer?

4CharissaForced by you,
        Heaven knows with my much sorrow. Such a lover,
        So in all points deserving of true worth,
        And best endowments† to make up a man
        That I shall never see——your pardon, sir,
        Though you pulled back, by violence, my hand,
        In which my heart was freely given to him,
        It is not in your power or strength of art
        To beat a sigh back, or restrain a tear
        Which I must offer to his memory.

5MendicantSuch storms soon waste themselves in absent lovers
        When light of reason and good counsel shall
        Break forth and shine upon ’em; and for your part,
        Daughter, I know it shall. And, presently,†
        I thus begin to dissipate† your errors:
        You love this Frederick.

6CharissaLove knows I do.

7MendicantYou say he is deserving in all points.†

8CharissaMy love emboldens me to tell you he is.

9MendicantCharissa, take me with you.* Is he not
        Deficient in that only absolute† point
        That must maintain a lady, an estate?

10CharissaLove weighs† not that.

11MendicantWhat can he show you* more
        To take you with, than a wild† head of hair;
        A very limebush† to catch lady-birds?†
        A tissue† doublet; and a ribbon* shop
        Hung in his hatbands, might set up a peddlar?*
        Can this maintain a lady?

12CharissaYou but look
        Upon his outside, sir.

13MendicantI trust you have not
        Been over inwardly† acquainted with him.

14CharissaSir, he has valour, wit, and honour: you well know
        He’s of a noble family extracted.†

15MendicantWhat’s that a year? Those parts may be acquired
        In winning of a strumpet. But what jointure†
        Can he propound† to you? or (in case he dies,
        Your dowry† being spent) what personal estate
        Is’t like he’ll leave you, but his powder glass,†
        His comb and beard-brush, and perhaps a trunkful
        Of elegies,† raptures,† madrigals† and sonnets?
        No, let him go: discard him, and embrace
        The hopes that I have for thee in the hopeful,
        Exquisite† cavalier,† courtier and soldier,
        Scholar (and what not!) brave Sir Ferdinando:
        There’s a man rising in the favour royal,
        And may in thee, Charissa, make me happy.

16CharissaSir, you have given me liberty of speech
        And may be pleased to let me tell you now:
        You aim at your own fortune, not at mine.

17MendicantI seek no fortune, but for thy advancement:
        All that I shall call mine must be thine own.

18CharissaI would be plainer yet, beseeching you
        I be not thought too loose† in my obedience.

19MendicantSpeak freely, girl.

20CharissaYour aim has been to raise
        Your state by court-suits,† begging as some call it,
        And for that end you left your country life,
        And lands too, ever since my mother died,
        Who while she lived with best of woman’s judgement
        Which held you from that course of selling fair
        Possessions to enable you with money
        To purchase wit* at court——* You pardon me?

21MendicantOn, on.

22CharissaAnd for th’exchange of a fair mansion-house—†
        Large fruitful fields, rich meadows and sweet pastures
        Well cropped with corn and stocked as well with cattle,
        A park well stored with deer too, and fishponds in’t,
        And all this for a lodging† in the Strand* now——
        But do I not offend?

23MendicantNo, no, on still.

24CharissaYour own fed beeves and muttons, fowl and poultry
        Loaded your long boards* then; and you had then
        Neighbours could boast your hospitality,
        And poor, that for the remnants prayed for you.
        Now all concludes upon a two-dished table.
        And whereas then you had a numerous family†
        Of servants and attendants, out of which
        For profit or for pleasure you could call
        Your bailiff,† groom, your falconer, or your huntsman,
        Now, sir, a varlet† coachman and footboy
        Are all your retinue; and for the hounds
        You kept, that made you sport and music,* now
        None but your project beagles,† that smell out
        Where such a forfeiture† is to be begged;
        Where one would purchase a reprieve, another
        A pardon or a lease of life rope-free
        For ready money; then where goods or lands
        Are found of men that make away themselves;*
        And so of fools and madmen.* All to set
        Your trade of begging up, and still you beg;
        But your own want of favour* holds you back
        From reaching any profit by’t, because
        You beg by mediators’ tongues, which you
        Call favourites, who reap the crop of all,
        And leave you but the gleanings, some small pittance
        To keep alive the itch of begging in you–

25Mendicant   [Aside]   She speaks home† and within me, to the purpose.

26CharissaStill wasting your own fortunes, till at last
        You have no hopeful project† left to thrive by
        But to put me upon this supposed favourite
        To beg for you when it is doubtful yet
        Whether he’ll take me with the dowry which
        Mine uncle left me, though you add your projects.

27MendicantThe noble gallant loves thee, girl, and holds
        Thy person and thy virtues dowry enough.

28CharissaHe is a wanton† lover, full of change,
        And at this instant singularly† devoted
        Unto that humorous† lady, the young widow.

29MendicantThe Lady Strangelove?

30CharissaShe is ambitious†
        To draw all men's affections to her service,
        And then abuses all by scorns or slightings,
        And this (they say) has made him almost mad.

31MendicantHe mad! believe it not: his reason is
        Married to him better than so.
Enter GABRIEL.*

        How now!
        Ha’ you seen the noble knight from me?
        How did he entertain my message? ha!
        Why speakst thou not? what answer has he sent?

32GabrielHe’s not, sir, to be spoken with or seen
        To any purpose, but by his physicians.

33MendicantSo suddenly and dangerously sick!
        Where are my hopes?

34GabrielI cannot say how sick
        He is, nor can himself give any account
        Of his condition, for he is mad, sir.

35MendicantHow! mad?

36GabrielStark, staring mad, as mad
        As you can think a courtier must be
        That is more mad than all the rest.

37MendicantIf this be true, I sink. What is supposed
        The cause?

38GabrielThat, sir, has puzzled all the doctors
        In weighing all his several wild affections.†
        One finds he was ambitious of Court favour
        And guesses he was crossed in some great suit.
        Another takes him as he was a soldier
        And losing cost and travail† in the war
        Must lose his wits for that. A third collects†
        He was a poet that drunk too deep of Helicon,†
        And turned his brain in climbing of Parnassus.†
        A fourth, considering that he was a gamester
        Long and much favoured, and upraised by fortune
        To mountainous heaps of gold, conjectures that
        Some late unlucky hand or chance at play
        Hath with his money swept his wit away.

39MendicantFie, these can be no causes to remove
        Or shake his settled judgement or his temper.

40GabrielThen, sir, a fifth and youngest head among
        The learned men (what call you him for a doctor?
        He that affects gay clothes and Flanders laces,*
        That trim† effeminate† gentleman*) he
        Has known this noble patient to have been
        An extreme amorist,† desperately devoted
        Unto the service of some threescore ladies,
        And honoured every one the most in costly presents,
        Banquets and verses, and thinks the disdain
        Of one or all of them has turned his brain.

41CharissaI told you, sir, the cause before, and named
        That humorous lady for it, whom in heart
        I can no less than thank.

42MendicantGo, get you up.
        And stir not from my chamber, on† my blessing,
        Till my return, nor admit any one
        Unto a conference with you.

43CharissaI obey you.Exit [CHARISSA].

44GabrielSome of your project searchers wait without,† sir,
        Loden,† it seems, with new intelligences.†

45MendicantThey may come in; but as I fear they bring
        Me little comfort, I am sure I shall
        Afford them none. Now, sirs, your business?
Enter PROJECTORS 1, 2, and 3.

46Projector 1 We wait upon your honour, my good Lord
        To crave the knowledge of what good success
        Your honour finds in our late suits, my Lord.

47MendicantWhy ‘honour’? why ‘my Lord’?

48Projector 2We style you now–

49Projector 3As all must do hereafter.

50Projector 1Yes, and that
        In a short space of time: the world holds no
        Proportion else, nor shall it more be said
        That money can buy land, or great estates
        In lands and manor-houses† be called lordships.

51Projector 1, Projector 2, Projector 3*Or wealth joined with desert attain to honour.

52Gabriel   [Aside]   So now the game’s afoot. They hunt in full cry.*

53Projector 1My Lord, ’tis most apparent.

54MendicantHow you torture me!

55Projector 2We’ll make’t appear most plainly on our lives.

56Projector 3And credits too.

57Gabriel   [Aside]   Their lives and credits, ha, ha, ha!

58Projector 1That in the space of one whole year our projects
        Shall bring in fifty thousand pounds to us,
        An hundred thousand to yourself, and to
        The coffers royal for full seven years’ space
Sixty-four thousand seven hundred eighty-three pounds, seven shillings, ninepence, ha'penny farthing per annum†*
           [PROJECTOR proffers a scroll.]*   ’Tis here already cast,† which to make good
        We’ll venture lives and goods–

59Projector 2Our wives and children!

60Projector 3We can engage† no more.
MENDICANT takes the scroll and peruses it.*

61GabrielA wondrous strange engagement:
        Your lives and goods, your wives and children, gentlemen!
        That’s too deep set, and questions the King’s mercy:
        Methinks it were enough, for non-performance
        You would submit your bodies to perpetual
        Imprisonment at the King’s charge† and leave
        Your wives and children to their several parishes.*
        You are still faithless, sir, in all projects.

62Projector 1But when you shall perceive the wealthy sums*
        Daily brought in and be continually
        Troubled with the receipts (if you may be trusted
        That have so little faith), when you shall soil
        And gall† your fingers ends with telling† money,
        Yet find the lickings of ’em sweet, you’ll then
        Sing other notes.

63Projector 2Mean time entreat my Lord
        To put you to some teller’s† clerk to teach you
        Ambidexterity*† in telling money.

64GabrielDo you hear, sir? Can you give me two sixpences
        For a shilling—or any single money?†

65Projector 2Pish!†

66GabrielCry mercy,† you were none in ready coin,†
        But all in bullion† locked in your brave† chests,
        And there you have the treasure of the Indies,*
        Of deeper value, could it be digged out,
        Than all the Hollanders have waited for
        These seven years out of the Spanish plate fleets*.

67Projector 3Pooh!*

68GabrielBut put mine eye out (now I dare you to’t)
        With any single piece of ready money.†

69Projector 1My Lord, your man abuses us here strangely
        With his old misbelief. But still we doubt not
        Your honourable good opinion of us.

70Projector 2You have perused †this weighty*paper here.

71MendicantIt weighs not all twelve grains.†

72Projector 1No more?
        Nay, the whole platform† of a stately city,
        Or a design to conquer a whole nation!
        But do you note the grounds, the rules and reasons,
        First for the easiness of the several grants–

73Projector 2Next for performance of our undertakings–

74Projector 3And then the certainty o’th’ propounded† profits
        Both to the King and us–

75Projector 1Without all grievance† unto the subject.

76Gabriel   [Aside]   That’s no little marvel.

77Projector 1Take ’em into particulars,* my Lord,
        First, this for perukes:† the monopoly
        Of making all the perukes male and female,
        Through court and kingdom.

78Gabriel   [Aside]   There’s a capital† project.

79Projector 2Note the necessity that they be well made
        Of no diseased or infectious stuff, of dead or living,
        No verminous or sluttish† locks or combings,
        But harmless and sound hair, of innocent
        And wholesome people.

80GabrielThey must then reap none
        From gallows, nor hospitals, from whence
        They have had great supplies.

81Projector 1You have in that
        Said very well, for here’s a reformation
        Of that abuse intended in these words
        ‘Innocent’ and ‘wholesome’.

82GabrielHow if a man or woman shall desire
        To wear a friend’s hair so departed, as
        You his or your wife yours, may’t not be had?

83Projector 1Or if your friend or mistress die so, you
        Procure the hair and bring it from the gallows
        To th’office, and it may be done accordingly.

84GabrielYou have in that said very well, sir, too.

85Projector 1Now out of this provision, what an infinite
        Profit will rise i’th’ general use of ’em,
        And multiplicity that will be worn
        By people of all sorts, degrees and ages:
        The old to hide their natural baldness, and
        The young and middle-aged their artificial
        Or accidental.

86GabrielBy the pox† or so.

87Projector 1They shall be brought into that reputation
        That none shall be esteemed so sound or wise
        As public wearers of them: which to effectuate†
        ’Tis requisite that you obtain a mandate†
        Unto all courtiers that would be thought wise
        To wear false hair, because clowns† have been noted
        To talk like fools or madmen in their own.

88MendicantNo more of that.

89Projector 1What say to this, my Lord,
        Touching new fashions of apparel — suits,
        Hats, boots, swords, belts, ribbons, et cetera—
        Tuppence on every several† piece he sells
        Of any such new fashion the first year?

90GabrielAnd what may this pride-money† amount unto
        Per annum?† Can you guess?

91MendicantI will not meddle in it.

92Projector 2No, my good Lord.

93MendicantNo, nor your perukes† neither.

94Projector 3What say to this, my Lord, of the balconies?

95MendicantNor that.

96Projector 1This then for sucking out of corns.

97MendicantAway with it.

98Projector 2This, then: that on the birth of every girl
        The father pay a groat,† to hearten men
        To live soberly and get soldiers.

99MendicantAway.

100Projector 1This makes amends for all, then: a new project
        For building a new theatre or play-house
        Upon the Thames, on barges or flat boats*
        To help the watermen out of the loss
        They’ve suffered by sedans,† under which project
        The subject groans, when for the ease of one
        Two abler men must suffer, and not the price
        Or pride of horse-flesh or coach-hire abated.*
        This shall bring floods of gain to th’ watermen
        Of which they’ll give a fourth of every fare
        They shall board† at the floating theatre,
        Or set ashore from thence, the poets and actors
        Half of their first year’s profits.

101MendicantFie, away!

102Projector 1This is a weighty one: for massy† sums
        That may be freely given out of the City,†
        To have but this assurance, that hereafter
        They may engross† the getting of their own
        Children, by order ta’en that cavaliers†
        And courtiers may no more invade
        Or mix with tradesmen’s wives, whereby ’tis thought
        So many City prodigals have been gotten,
        Only the thrifty country gentlemen
        To be excepted, for by them ’tis guessed
        So many citizens grow landed men.

103GabrielWere not they gotten by projectors, think you?

104Projector 3My Lord, your servant jeers us.

105MendicantTo deal plainly
        I do allow’t in him—

106Gabriel   [Aside]   Heaven has heard my prayers.

107Mendicant—And will hear him or any man oppose
        All that is put to me by way of project
        To put me by† all further hopes in ’em:
        For (with heart’s grief I speak it) he by whom
        I only hoped to climb (alas!) is fallen.

108Projector 1What, out of favour?

109MendicantNo, out of his reason.

110Projector 2The noble cavalier,† Sir Ferdinando.

111Projector 3That late stood candidate for the favour royal,
        Is he now fallen beside* himself?

112MendicantEven he.

113Projector 1What have you then to do, my Lord,
        In lieu of all your service but beg* him?

114MendicantHis greater and his nearer† friends at court
        Will prevent me.

115Projector 2They shall not, never fear it.

116Projector 1Come, we will make quick work of this.
        My Lord, you shall disburse but twenty pieces.†

117Projector 2Among us three.

118Projector 3And we will instantly
        Find† his estate.

119Projector 1And lay you down a way
        So plain that you shall say all’s yours,
        Before you stir a foot.

120GabrielBut when he has traveled
        Till he has tired himself, he shall return,
        And say all’s lost: is’t not so, gentlemen?

121MendicantI will not part with any money, sirs.

122Projector 1   [To GABRIEL]   Trust me, you do not well to put my Lord
        Off o’ his benefit, by disheart’ning him
        In this small venture.   [To MENDICANT]   Will you then be pleased
        To give us but ten pieces?†

123MendicantNot a penny.

124Projector 2Five you shall, my Lord,
        And stand no longer thus in your own light.*

125Projector 3Or but a piece a man.

126MendicantNot a denier.†

127Projector 1A dinner then, my Lord, but of one piece.†

128MendicantMy answers cannot please you.   [To GABRIEL]   Answer ’em you.

129Gabriel   [To PROJECTORS]   I wonder how you, having stretched your throats
        With the loud sounds of thousands, hundred thousands,
        Can, after all, so faintly whisper forth
        One piece, and that as much in vain, as all
        The massy† sums, for all but brings you nothing.
        It shows you gentlemen of resolute patience
        And would take thankfully, I warrant you,
        An odd half-crown† amongst you; and what say you
        To every man a kick on the condition?*
        What say you to one with t’other?

130Projector 1This abuse
        Shall lose your master a hundred thousand pound.

131GabrielGo coin your bullion† brains into the money
        And come again. My master was
        Your Lord even now, as he was lord of beggars.

132Projector 1I hope to live to see him beg of us.

133GabrielOut, hundreds, thousands, ten thousands, hundred thousands, millions, ten millions, millions upon millions!
        Away! I’ll stamp your buttocks into coin else.   [GABRIEL kicks out at] PROJECTORS[, who] exit.   *
        The devil ride that hindmost* of ’em, for
        A raw boned jade!† ’Sfoot!† he has lamed my toes!*

134MendicantI am glad I am so rid of ’em, and now
        As th’art my servant and my loving kinsman–

135GabrielTo follow you in all things but in projects.

136MendicantLook to my house and daughter, that she start† not
        Nor any entrance be allowed to Frederick
        To re-entangle her in his love. I know
        Thy virtue and thy valour can make good
        My trust imposed† in thee.

137GabrielYou need not fear, sir;
        But, good sir, no more projects!

138MendicantI have but one,
        On which I’ll set my rest.† Thou’lt say ’tis good.

139GabrielExcept it be the begging of this madman
        It can be nothing.

140Mendicant’Tis the very same
        By which I will advance my house and name.Exit [MENDICANT].

141GabrielThe beggar’s best is that he feels no shame:
Enter CHARISSA.*

        ’Sprecious,† what mean you? Ha’ you forgot so soon
        Your father’s strict command, and he scarce gone yet?

142CharissaAlas! he’ll then meet Frederick and divert† him:
        I saw him at the window making this way.

143GabrielHe gets no entrance to you. I must obey
        A master, though you can neglect a father.

144CharissaBe not so cruel. Thou may’st live to love,
        And need the pity of a friend.

145GabrielI pity you,
        And will do no more than you know how to ask
        For your own good. I understand your cause
        And can relieve† you, if you’ll yield to counsel.

146CharissaYou are my kinsman and have been my friend,
        Though you observe† my father, who, I fear,
        Has not a father’s love towards me.

147GabrielHis love is great and certain,
        And all his travail* is for your advancement;
        But he goes blindfold on unprosperous ways
        Led by credulity. Projects! Pox o’ projects
        The patron of his projects is (it seems)
        Peppered† with madness. ’Tis but justice on him;
        And now I’ll give you a secret if you’ll promise
        To be ruled by me.

148CharissaYou shall rule me, cousin.†

149GabrielThis Ferdinand, your father’s great Court godling,†
        Ne’er sought you for a wife, but to have whored you
        (That is the English on’t); and to appear
        A right great man in th’act, he would ha’ made
        By hopes and promises your credulous father
        The instrument of your prostitution,
        Which to effect (though still he undertook
        His hopeful projects) cunning lawyer-like
        He crossed† or lost him still in all, on purpose
        That poverty at length might urge him to
        Give you to his dispose.†

150CharissaThis was my fear.

151GabrielAway, somebody comes.

152Charissa’Tis Frederick! I must see him.

153GabrielYou’ll never see him more, then. Go to your chamber.
        A little patience and he shall be yours.

154CharissaSo does a heart consume in ling’ring fire,
        When cooling hopes are cast on hot desire.Exit [CHARISSA].

155GabrielPoor heart! I pity her and will labour for her.
Enter FREDERICK.

156FrederickO Gabriel! I am happy in finding thee,
        Thy master absent, whom I saw, in haste
        Now passing towards the court. Where’s my Charissa?

157GabrielYou may not see her.

158Frederick‘May not see her’, sir?

159GabrielMay not! nay, must not, shall not, see her.

160FrederickYou’re very plain with me.

161GabrielHer own command
        Warrants me speak it, sir.

162FrederickA villain speaks it.
[FREDERICK] draw[s his sword and then GABRIEL draws his].*

163GabrielI have a sword speaks other language for me.

164FrederickCan she whose thoughts are truth, and written here,
        Here in this breast, giving me ample welcome,
        Give thee a countermand to bar me from it?
        Wouldst thou make her a double-hearted monster?
        Or like another woman?
        Repent thee of thy trespass† yet and live.

165GabrielSir, if you think to fight, talk not too much;
        Or, if you needs must talk, then hear as well.

166FrederickWhat wouldst thou say?

167GabrielSir, I have more to say
        Than fits this place, since you are apt to quarrel
        And this no ground to bustle† on, nor indeed
        Where I dare for my honesty and trust
        Allow you longer stay. If therefore you
        Will walk, I'll wait upon you and direct you
        In a more ready way to find Charissa.

168FrederickIs she not here i’ th’ house?

169GabrielOh sir, a man
        May come within his arm's reach *of his money
        In the Exchequer,† but he must walk about
        To find due† order† ere*† he draw it out.

170Frederick   [Aside]   The fellow’s honest, valiant, and discreet:
        Full† man, in whom those three additions meet.

171GabrielSir, dare you trust me?

172FrederickYes, I dare; and why?
        Because if thou dar’st fight, thou dar’st not lie.[FREDERICK and GABRIEL exit.]

Edited by Marion O'Connor