THE NEW ACADEMY,
OR, THE NEW EXCHANGE.
The Actors’ Names.
[Link]
Sir Swithin WHILMBYa melancholy widower; suitor to the Lady Nestlecock
Old MATCHILa merchant that married his maid; Gabriella’s* guardian
PAPILLION*alias [Young] Philip Matchil, his son
Old LAFOYa French gentleman, guardian to young Matchil
GALLIARD*alias [Young] Frances Lafoy, his son
Master HARDYMAN*Captain Valentine’s father-in-law;* Hannah’s father
STRIGOODhalf brother to Matchil
VALENTINE Askalson-in-law to Hardyman*; Hannah’s half-brother
ERASMUS*a young gentleman, [Valentine's] companion
CASH*Matchil’s apprentice*
NEHEMIAH* Nestlecock,a foolish gentleman, the Lady’s son
EPHRAIM*the Lady Nestlecock’s servant
A FOOTPOST
Rafe CAMELION*an uxorious citizen
LADY NESTLECOCK*a fond mother
JOYCEMatchil’s daughter, [foster sister to Gabriella]
GABRIELLALafoy’s daughter, [foster sister to Joyce]
Mistress BLITH* Tripshort*Sir Swithin Whimlby’s niece*
HANNAH*Camelion’s wife, Captain* Hardyman’s daughter
[RACHEL] Maudlin*Matchil’s maid and wife
[Servant]
ACT ONE*
[Outside MATCHIL's house]*
[Enter] VALENTINE and ERASMUS

2[Valentine]Is this the entertainment you promised me in the jovial merchant’s house? Is this the great interest you have in his huge hospitality? When by half an hour’s attendance and entreats we cannot obtain the sight of him.

3ErasmusI wonder at it. Sure, some strange disaster has suddenly befallen him. He was last night the merriest man alive: drank healths, told tales, sung catches: Trowl the Bowl*; Toss the Cannikin*; and what not! And all for joy, that his son, he said, was upon his return*, whom he has not seen these dozen years, since he sent him a little lad into France, to be bred there.

4ValentineI heard he did so; and that in lieu, by way of exchange*, he brings up the daughter of the Parisian that breeds his son.

5ErasmusRight.

6ValentineBut is that daughter so exquisite a creature, as is this merchant Matchil’s own, whom you so much extol?

7ErasmusThey are both so equally handsome, and virtuous,* that, be their dowries* so, and their consents alike, I’ll take my choice of cross and pile* for either*, with such a friend as thou art.

8ValentineTroth, and that’s friendly spoken, Mus.

9ErasmusIt is so, Val. Yet not without* some policy do I wish thee a fortune: for, insooth, young gentleman, though I like your person, and some of your qualities,* yet by reason of your wants, I find you something heavy on my purse-strings; and myself scarce able to supply you. And, if we fail of good matches, I must even turn you over shortly to the hopes you boast of in your City-mistresses and tradesmen’s wives –

10ValentinePeace, prithee hold thy peace.
Enter CASH

Friend Cash! Is your master, Master Matchil, yet at leisure to be seen?

11CashHe much desires, sir, to be held excused. ’Tis true that he invited you. His dinner’s ready; and his heart welcomes you. But he has met with an unhappy news today –

12ValentineI feared some ill. What is the matter?

13CashHis only son, whom he of late expected home out of France, we hear is dead.

14ValentineHis daughter will prove a bouncing match, then.

15Cash   [Aside]   That's the impression the heavy news makes in you, gentlemen.

16ErasmusCome, let’s go.

17CashNay, gentlemen, although my master’s sudden sadness shuts him from you, his meat and wine are ready. There are some good company in his parlour too. Pray stay.

18ValentineAre his fair daughter and the French-born damsel there to be seen?

19CashBoth. Pray be pleased to enter. I hope his passionate fit ere you have dined will be past over. He is not wont to suffer long under the hand of sorrow.
        ’Tis like that you shall see him ere you go.

20ErasmusIn that fair hope we’ll enter and fall to.VALENTINE and ERASMUS exit

21Cash’Tis like you shall fall short though of your aim*
        At my young mistress, who by this black news
        Becomes my master’s heir, and so the white*
        That all the gallant suitors of the City
        And Court will level their keen shafts at.* Where
        Are mine own hopes, then, that stood as fair
        In competition for her love as any,*
        When the great noise of her inheritance,
        Shall drown each lover’s tongue, that cannot say,
        It is a lord’s at least?* I rather wish
        The young man had not died.*
Enter STRIGOOD*

22StrigoodWhere’s my Boykin? My Friskoe? My delight? My Cash*? By what better name can I call thee?

23CashO me! Master Strigood, what make you here?

24StrigoodI come to comfort my brother in his sorrow. His son is dead, they say. Ha! Is’t not so?

25CashAnd he is almost dead with sorrow. Back, sir: the sight of you, that are his sole vexation, will make him mad.

26StrigoodThat is my way to cure him. Madness drowns grief in any man – Probatum.

27CashGood Master Strigood, depart.

28StrigoodGood Master Cash, and Master Matchil’s man,
        I’ll see your master. What! Deny his brother?
        His own natural brother? By the surer side* too
        We tumbled in one pannier; though we had*
        Two rippiers. Sweet sir, I am the elder too.
        Strigood was in my mother before Matchil.*
        Therefore, because I have spent an estate
        And he has got one, must not I maintain*
        Myself the better man?*

29CashYes, if you had the wherewithal.

30StrigoodSir, you had been as good ha’ held your tongue.
        Lend me some money, Cash.

31CashI have no money, sir, but what’s my master’s.

32StrigoodWhose money, sir, was that you played last night,
        Among the knights and braveries at the ordinary?
        Gold by the handfuls, Cash! Lend me two pieces.

33CashSpeak lower, sir.

34StrigoodLend me three pieces, Cash,
        Before I speak too loud. Whose money’s that
        You use to wear abroad at feasts and revels
        In silver lace and satin, though you wait
        At home in simple serge or broad-cloth, sir?

35CashBe not so loud, I pray.

36StrigoodLend me five pieces.
        I shall grow louder else. Who pays your barber?
        I mean not for your prentice pig-haired cut*
        Your wear at home here; but your periwigs;
        Your locks and lady-ware* that dangle in ’em,
        Like straws in the bush natural** of a Bedlem?

37CashWhat mean you, Master Strigood?*

38StrigoodI mean ten pieces now;
        I’ll go no less. Do not I know your haunts? –

39Cash   [Aside]   You may; you trained one to ’em*.

40StrigoodDo not I know your outleaps, and vagaries?
        Your tiring houses, where you shift yourself,
        Your privy lodgings, for your trunks and punks*?
        Your midnight walks and meetings? Come, the money.
        But I’ll keep thy council: thou shalt find me virtuous.
        I want, he gives me nothing, and thou canst not
        Do him better service than relieve his brother.

41Cash   Aside   I am in; and must, to hide my old faults, do
        Like an ill painter, daub ’em o’er with new*.

42StrigoodQuickly. I shall grow loud again else, Cash.

43CashSir, I am in your hands, here are ten pieces.
        I hope you will not thank my master for ’em.

44StrigoodNo, not for all he has that comes through thy hands,
        My nimble Cash; and from his I am sure,
        Though I were starving, I should finger* nothing.

45CashWill you go now?

46StrigoodI’ll see him e’er I go.
        And dine, if there be meat i’ th’ house. What eaters
        Are there within? I’ll draw a knife among ’em.*Exit STRIGOOD

47CashThis desperate old ruffian would undo me
        But* he hopes to waste his brother by me.
        He has spent himself to beggary; and would fall so,
        But that he has pernicious fire in’s brain,
        That raging spreads to ruin others with him.
        I must beware of him.
Enter LADY NESTLECOCK and EPHRAIM
           [Aside]   Is she come too?
        Then, ’tis decreed, my master must, from sorrow,
        Suffer in madness.
[CASH blocks entry to the house]*

48Lady NestlecockGo home, Ephraim,
        And have a care you suffer not my boy
        To straggle forth ’mong his unhappy play-mates,
        For fear of mischief.

49EphraimIt shall be my care.Exit EPHRAIM

50Lady NestlecockWhat, do you lock up my brother, ha? –––

51CashH’ has locked himself up, madam; and will suffer
        None* to come at him, till his sorrowful fit
        Be somewhat over.

52Lady NestlecockNot’s own sister, ha? –––

53CashNor his half-brother, neither. Yet he’s here.

54Lady NestlecockIs he here, ha? That Strigood? Is he here?
        Hang him, old reprobate. And beshrew thy heart,
        For a young varlet, to call him our brother.
        It is no marvel, if my brother Matchil
        Lock up himself, and such a wickedness
        Be in his house as is that Strigood, ha!
        Let him take heed, he comes not in my nail-reach,
        And call me sister, or my brother, brother,
        Like a debauched old villain, as he is.
        O, that my husband Nestlecock were alive,
        But for three minutes, to send him to
        Newgate,* if he presume to call me sister.
        But I command you in my husband’s name,
        Who was a justice* when he lived, to thrust him
        Out of your master’s doors, my brother’s house,
        Lest I be sick with the loathed sight of him.
        You will not disobey this, will you, ha?
        If not, why stir you not?* Ha!

55Cash   [Aside]   I must remove
        This fit of hers. There’s but one way to do it,
        And that’s to talk of her white boy she’s fond on.

56Lady NestlecockWill you not send him packing, ha? –

57CashFirst, madam,
        By your good ladyship’s leave, how does your son,
        Sweet master Nehemiah Nestlecock?

58Lady NestlecockI thank you, courteous friend. In truth, last night,
        One of my coach-geldings* fell lame, and I,
        By that constrained to come afoot,
        Was forced to leave my boy at home, or else
        He had come with me, to have been a comfort
        To his sad uncle. But I would not now
        For twice my gelding’s price my child were here
        And that foul fiend i’ th’ house, whose very looks
        Would fright him into sickness.

59CashO good lady!

60Lady NestlecockI can’t so soon forget the fright he took
        At seeing the roguish juggler once eat tow,
        And blow it out of’s mouth in fire and smoke.
        He lay a fortnight by’t.*

61CashThat’s two years since,
        And he was then but young. He’s now a man.

62Lady NestlecockAlack, a child; but going in’s nineteenth year*.
        Where’s my niece Joyce?

63CashWithin there, madam; so is Gabriella,
        The French young gentlewoman, to attend you.

64Lady NestlecockI’ll stay with them till I may see my brother.Exit LADY NESTLECOCK

65Cash   [Aside]   I hope old Strigood, who now on the sudden
        Hath slipped her memory, meets her by the ears first.*
Enter MATCHIL, an open letter in his hands
        But the good minute’*s come, before I looked for’t.
        My master now appears. He looks most sourly,
        Expressing more of anger than of grief.
        I fear old Strigood was so loud with me
        That he hath over-heard us, and I shall break
        Before I am a freeman.

66MatchilSorrow be gone
        And puling grief away, whilest I take in
        A nobler and more manly passion,
        Anger, that may instruct me to revenge.
        My child is lost by treacherous neglect
        In that false Frenchman, to whose seeming care
        I trusted the chief comfort of my life.
MATCHIL reads
        My boy. Nay, read again. ’Tis written, here,
        He was grown man.

67Cash   CASH listens to MATCHIL, and speaks aside.   His man, I think he said.
        Does your man trouble you? I do not like that.

68MatchilAnd here he writes that in his youthful spring
        And heat of spirit, he began to grow
        Intemperate and wild –

69Cash   [Aside]   Wild! Are you there?

70MatchilWhich drew him on to riotous expense –

71Cash   [Aside]   And there again, to riotous expense!
        ’Tis I directly that he’s troubled with.

72MatchilAnd sometimes into quarrels. What o’ that?
        In all this he was still mine own. O boy –––MATCHIL kisses the paper.

73Cash   [Aside]   Some slave has writ some fearful information
        Against me, and he hugs and kisses it.

74MatchilAnd had his guardian had a feeling care –
        Hang his French friendship – over my dear child,
        As I had over his, these youthful follies
        Might have been tempered into manly virtues.

75Cash   [Aside]   I hear not that.*

76MatchilBut I fall back again.
        From my revenge to grief. Away; I will not.[MATCHIL] reads again.
        Here’s the death-doing point. These slight disorders
        In my young forward son – I find it here –
        Were, by his churlish and perfidious guardian,
        Interpreted no less than reprobation*,
        And, by his ignorant cruelty, so punished.
        For here he shuts his ear and door against him!*
        When suddenly the loose licentious world
         Soothes on his youthful, injudicious courage
        To imminent destruction; so being engaged
        In a rash quarrel, he in duel fell.
        Th’ opponent's sword was instrument; yet I infer,
        Lafoy, his guardian, was his murderer.
        Farewell, my boy; and this is the last tear
        Thou shalt wring from me. Something I’ll do*
        Shall show a father’s love, and valour too.
        I’m young enough to draw a sword in France, yet.
        But first––– Come hither, sirrah.

77Cash   [Aside]   Now it comes.

78MatchilI purpose straight to order my estate.
        Look that you forthwith perfect my accounts
        And bring me all my books of debtor and creditor,
        Receipts and payments. What you have in wares,
        And what in cash, let me inform myself.*

79Cash   [Aside]   ’Tis as I feared.

80MatchilI’ll set all right and straight,
        All statutes, bonds, bills, and sealed instruments
        That do concern me, I have in my closet
        Or at my counsel's, or my scrivener's.
        I’ll call in them myself. Why doest thou look so amazedly?
        Would’st have me yield a reason? Why, I’ll tell thee
        I mean to make a voyage and, perhaps,
        To settle and proportion out my estate
        By will, before I go. Do you as I command you.

81Cash   [Aside]   Whatever he pretends, I know his drift;
        And, e’er I’ll be discovered by my stay,
        Being run out,* I’ll choose to run away.Exit CASH

82MatchilMy daughter in the first place must be cared for.
        I’ll make her a good match. My next in blood, then,
        My knave half-brother, and my whole fool-sister:
        But the best is, her ladyship has enough;
        And all I have, in Strigood’s hands, were nothing.
        Therefore I’ll purpose nothing to him.
Enter JOYCE and GABRIELLA
        Oh,
        The joy and torment of my life, at once
        Appear to me. I must divide them, thus.
[MATCHIL] thrusts off GABRIELLA
        Hence hated issue of my mortal foe
        Whom I have fostered with a parent’s piety
        As carefully and dearly as mine own.
        While the inhumane cruelty of thy sire
        Has to untimely death exposed my son.
        Thank me I kill not thee; so leave my house.
        There’s French enough in town*, that may befriend you,
        To pack you o’er to Paris. What’s your own,
        Take w’ ye, and go.   To JOYCE   Why cleave you to her so?
        Forsake her, cast her off. Are not my words
        Of force, but I must use my hands to part ye?*

83JoyceDear, honoured father, I beseech you hear me.
        In parting us you separate life from me,
        And therein act a real cruelty
        On me your only child, sharper than that
        Which you can but pretend done by her father.

84MatchilDurst thou speak so?

85JoyceI cannot live from her.

86MatchilO monstrous! Pray, your reason? Why not
        live?

87JoyceYou know, sir, from our infancy we have been
        Bred up together by your tender care
        As we had been twin-born, and equally
        Your own; and by a self-same education
        We have grown hitherto in one affection;
        We are both* but one body, and one mind;
        What Gabriella was, I was, what I, was she.
        And, till this hapless hour, you have enjoined me,
        Nay, charged me on your blessing, not to arrogate
        More of your love unto myself, than her.

88MatchilThat was ’cause I presumed her father loved,
        Or should have loved, my son, your brother.

89JoyceI never knew brother, or sister, I;*
        Nor my poor self, but in my Gabriella.
        Then blame me not to love her, I beseech you –
        Upon my knees.
[JOYCE kneels]

90MatchilTh’ art knee-deep in rebellion.
        Unnatural gypsy, since thou prov’st my torment
        In being the same with her; and hast declared
        Thyself no more my child than she, whom now
        I do abhor. Avoid, with her, my sight.
        Rise, and be gone, lest thou pull curses on thee
        Shall sink thee into earth.

91GabriellaO rather, sir,
        Let me ’gainst whom your fury first was bent
        Suffer alone the sharpness of your vengeance;
        And let it not be said, ’cause you surmise,
        My father lost your son, that, therefore, you
        Have cast away your daughter. Hurl me, rather,
        Into the ruthless waves to seek my way;
        Or do but take her, hold her in the arms
        Of your paternal love, and I’ll take flight
        To wean her to you.*

92JoyceShe cannot, may not leave me.

93MatchilOut of my doors, then, with her–––
Enter LADY NESTLECOCK

94Lady NestlecockWhat’s the matter? Ha–––

95MatchilSuch as you cannot mend, dear lady sister.
        What come you hither with your 'Ha' for? Ha!*

96Lady NestlecockTo comfort you, dear brother, if you’ll hear me.
        Your son is dead, they say; and here I find
        Your daughter is rebellious ’gainst your will.

97MatchilYou speak much comfort, do you not, think you?

98Lady NestlecockBut is it so, Joyce? Ha! – I thought you, Joyce,
        Would have rejoiced* your father in obedience, Joyce;
        And not afflict him with your stubbornness.

99MatchilO this impertinent woman!

100Lady NestlecockBut my brother,
        Let me advise you, rather than suffer her
        To be an eyesore to you, put her out*,
        Where she may learn more duty. If you please,
        I’ll take her home, and show her how it should be.

101MatchilYes, as you have shown your Nestlecock, your son.

102Lady NestlecockAye*, there’s a child! Brother, you’ll pardon me
        If I aspire in hope that he shall be
        Your heir, if Joyce miscarry in rebellion.

103MatchilAnd therefore you would breed her*. How the devil*
        Works in a covetous woman! Though a fool too,
        Your son’s an ass, an idiot, and yourself
        No better, that have bred him so. Do you tell me
        Of your sweet sugar-chopped Nestle cockscomb?


105MatchilHe’s fit t’inherit nothing but a place
        I’ th’ Spittle-house, Fools’ College, yond, at Knightsbridge*.

106Lady NestlecockAnd did I come to bring thee consolation?
        Now let me tell thee, I rejoice in thy
        Just punishment, thy scourge of crosses. Thou,
        That for these six years’ space, until this day,
        Hast kept continual feast and jollity
        For thy wife’s death, who was too good for thee.

107MatchilRight, for she was my master, a perpetual
        Vexation to me, while she was above ground.
        Your ladyship could not have spoke more comfort to me
        Than the remembrance of that shook-off shackle*,
        Which now, in my affliction, makes me smile.
        And were I on her grave, I could cut capers.

108Lady NestlecockA further punishment I prophesy
        Grows in the neck* of thy lewd insolence.

109MatchilI could e’en find in heart to marry again,
        In spite, now, of thy witchcraft. My son dead!
        My daughter disobedient! And your child
        A very chilblane. What have I to do
        But marry again? All women are not devils,
        I may yet get an heir unto my mind.
Enter STRIGOOD

110MatchilArt thou here too–?

111StrigoodStay, you forget your brother, Master Matchil.
        You have matched ill once already, and take heed
        You match not worse. Your children, though untoward
        And taking of the devilish shrew, their mother,
        Were likely of your own begetting; yet
        Your second wife may bring you a supply
        Of heirs, but who must get them first is doubtful*.

112MatchilThy impudence amazes me.

113StrigoodHa, ha.

114Lady NestlecockI’m sick at sight of the lewd reprobate.

115StrigoodD’ye cast about for heirs; and have besides
        Your daughter here, a brother and a sister?

116Lady NestlecockCall not thyself our brother. He appears
        Unkind* to me, but thou insufferable,
        I loathe to look upon thee.

117Strigood   [Aside]   He has spoke
        Against her oaf*, her mooncalf son. I’ll make
        Her love me best, and presently.
           [Aloud]   Brother, I say.

118MatchilI cannot look upon thee.
        Provoke me not to speech, I charge thee.

119StrigoodGive me leave to speak. Hold you your peace;
        Hear but my brotherly advice; and then*
        Give your consent in silence.

120Matchil   [MATCHIL hums loudly]*    hum, hum, &c.*

121Lady NestlecockHear him not.

122MatchilNor you neither,
        hum, hum, hum

123Lady NestlecockI am not angry with you now; and therefore
        I charge you, hear him not.

124Matchilhum hum ––

125StrigoodMy advice is thus, that for your daughter’s good,
        For mine own good, and for your sister’s good,
        And for her son, your nephew’s good–––

126Lady NestlecockHow’s that? Ha!

127StrigoodAnd chiefly for your own good, and the credit
        A wise man would desire to hold i’th’ world,
        Think not of marrying, nor of buying horns
        At the whole value of your whole estate*,
        But match your daughter while you have the means
        In your own hands; give her a good round portion.
        Here are deserving gentlemen i’ th’ house.
        Next, think of me, your brother, that has spent
        In downright fellowship – heaven knows what
        All* fraudulent purposes to make any man
        A miser or a gainer by’t – a fair estate
        And now do want a brotherly supply,
        A hundred a year or so. But above all
        Fasten your land unto your sister’s son,
        That hopeful gentleman, sweet Nehemiah.


129Lady NestlecockNow, brother, you may hear him.

130StrigoodWhat though it straggle from the name of Matchil?
        Remember yet he is your mother’s grandchild*.

131Lady NestlecockWhy d'ye not hear him, brother?–


133StrigoodAs I hope to be a landed man myself,
        Had I a thousand yearly, I would leave it him.

134Lady NestlecockTruly, I thank you. Now I’ll call you brother.
        You’re a good natured gentleman, if you had it*.
        Come home, and see my son. –   [To MATCHIL]   Will you not hear him? Ha!

135MatchilI need not, nor yourself. I see you gape
        Like monsters that would swallow me alive.
        I know your minds; and I will do mine own.
        And thus it is. Stay, let me stay a little.

136Lady NestlecockLook you how wild he looks.

137StrigoodHe’s falling mad, stark staring mad.

138Lady NestlecockI would he had a wife, then, for nothing else can tame him.

139MatchilSo it shall be. First, I’ll be master of mine own estate. Next –

140StrigoodTake a wife to master that, and you.

141Matchil   [To GABRIELLA]   Next, you mademoiselle, on whom with patience
        I cannot look, forsake my house, and suddenly;
        Linger not for a man to wait upon you,
        But let your black-bag* guard you, ’tis a fashion
        Begun amongst us here by your own nation.
           [To JOYCE]   And if I longer must call you my daughter,
        Forsake you her.

142JoyceWhat, mine own heart?* Dear sir –

143MatchilAt your own choice. I can force her departure,
        Though not persuade your stay; determine quickly
        Either to leave her, and enjoy a father,
        Or never more expect a father’s blessing.

144GabriellaDear, mine own heart, leave me, obey your father.

145JoyceIt must be to my death, then.[JOYCE] weeps

146MatchilI’ll be sudden. Therefore, be you as brief in your resolve.

147Lady NestlecockAlas, poor hearts. Just so loth
        To part was I and my son Nehemiah
        Today when I came forth.

148StrigoodNiece Joyce, let me advise you –

149MatchilPray, sir, none of your advice.
        Let her advise herself, whilest I impart
        To you my next intention, which is thus:
        To end your strife for shares in mine estate,
        I’ll venture* on a wife; indeed, I’ll marry.

150Lady NestlecockWill you so? Ha!*

151MatchilYes indeed, ha!*

152StrigoodIf then
        You’ll estate nothing on me for my life,
        Give me a fee to help you to a wife.
        I can, a good one.

153MatchilI’ll none, sir, of your good ones.
        Besides, sir, I’m provided.

154Lady NestlecockYou are not, are you? Ha.

155MatchilLet it suffice, I say it; so quit my house.

156StrigoodShall I expect then nothing?

157MatchilPray sir, do.
        ’Tis all I can afford you. You have wit,
        Yes, you can dance, tread money out of rushes*,
        Sleight* and activity to live upon.
        A nimble brain, quick hands and airy heels
        To get a living.


159MatchilPray, fall to practice.

160Strigood   [Aside]   I may, sir, to your cost, if you put off
        Your daughter with her sweet-heart, her Mon Coeur*
        There, as she calls her.   [To LADY NESTLECOCK]   Dear, my lady sister:
        You see how churlishly this merchant uses us.
        He has forgot, sure, he was born a gentleman.
        Will you be pleased, I speak to you in your ear.

161Lady NestlecockAny way, brother Strigood, hang him, Nabal*.
        To warn me out o’s* house; and not alone*
        To turn a stranger from within his gates,
        But offer to cast out his child too, ha!

162Strigood’Tis about that I’d speak. Pray, madam, hark you.
[STRIGOOD and LADY NESTLECOCK talk aside]
Enter ERASMUS and VALENTINE

163ErasmusNoble Master Matchil, though we ate your meat
        Before we saw you, you will give us leave
        To take our leaves, and thank you ere we part.

164MatchilO, gentlemen.

165ValentineW’ have heard your cause of sorrow.

166MatchilBut I have overpassed it. Hark ye, gentlemen.

167ErasmusYou’ll give us leave first to salute the ladies.

168MatchilNay, if you love me, hear me first.

169Erasmus, ValentineYour will, sir.[MATCHIL, ERASMUS, and VALENTINE] talk aside.

170Lady Nestlecock   [To JOYCE]   Niece, you shall no way disobey your father
        In being ruled by me.

171Strigood   [Aside]   So, so, it takes.

172Lady NestlecockYou and your second self shall home with me
        Until his furious humour be blown over.
        To which the first means is to shun his sight,
        And then let me alone to make your peace.

173Joyce, GabriellaWe thank your ladyship.

174Lady NestlecockSo let us slip
        Home to my house together. Hist*, brother, lead the way.

175Strigood   [Aside]   As glad as ever fox was of his prey.*Exit [STRIGOOD, LADY NESTLECOCK,
JOYCE, and GABRIELLA.
MATCHIL, ERASMUS, and VALENTINE remain]
*

176Matchil’Tis even so, gentlemen, sorrow finds no lodging
        In my light heart. Sometimes she knocks at door,
        And takes a drink, but here she must not sit by’t.

177ValentineYou’re happy, sir.

178ErasmusYet I have heard you say
        You never tasted joy for diverse years
        Till your wife died; since when, a king of mirth;
        And now to marry again is such a thing*.

179MatchilYes, sir, ’tis such a thing* that I will marry
        That I foreknow can never disobey me,
        And I’ll defy the devil to dishonest her.

180ErasmusIs she so ugly?

181ValentineNo, he means so virtuous.

182MatchilWell said, sir, you shall drink before me.
           [MATCHIL calls offstage]   Rachel, Maudlin!
        ’Protest you shall, though’t be in my own house.

183ErasmusNow he resumes his humour.

184Matchil   [MATCHIL calls offstage]   Rachel, I say,
        Bring me a can o’ sack.

185ErasmusBut how can you
        Presume before the dangerous marriage-trial
        That she whom y’ have chosen will be obedient?

186ValentineD’ye think he has not tried her*? There’s a
        question!

187MatchilWell-said again. I was about to say so.
           [MATCHIL calls offstage]   Rachel, some sack, I say.   [To VALENTINE]   Yes, I have tried her, sir,
        Tried her, and tried her again: all over and over
        These five years day and night; and still obedient.*

188ErasmusThen you are sure to her.

189MatchilNo, I never used
        A marriage-question, nor a wooing word.
        But do all by command, she is so obedient.

190ValentineAnd yet she’s chaste and virtuous withal.*

191MatchilWell-said again, sir, so I was a’saying.

192ErasmusBut we have talked away the gentlewomen.

193MatchilNo matter, let ’em go. Would they were* far enough.*
Enter RACHEL, [carrying] silver can and napkin.
        Come, the sack, the sack.   [RACHEL curtseys]   Who taught you that curtsey, maid?
        Pray, try a better to the gentleman.
           [To VALENTINE]   ’Protest you shall begin.

194ValentineIn your own house, sir?

195MatchilI’ll rather g’ ye my house, than break my word in’t.

196ValentineYou’re lord here, and may command me, sir.
        And so my service to you.*

197MatchilI’ll do you reason, sir.––– VAL[ENTINE] drink[s]
           [To RACHEL]   Be ready with your napkin;   [RACHEL proffers the napkin and cursties]   and a lower douke, maid,
        I’ll hang dead weight at your buttocks else.   [RACHEL performs a deeper curtsey]   So. *
           [To ERASMUS and VALENTINE]   Is not this obedience, gentlemen? Master Erasmus?[MATCHIL toasts ERASMUS]
        Mus, I will call thee Mus, I love to be
        Familiar, where I love; and Godamercy
        For your friend here.   [MATCHIL toasts VALENTINE]   You both shall see my daughter.
        But my French damsel and I are parted,
        I hope, by this time. So here’s to you, Mus.

198ErasmusTo me, to me, to me.M[ATCHIL] drinks.

199MatchilHa, boy, art there? DispatchERASMUS drinks.
           [To RACHEL]   Your curtsey quickly, and go call my daughter.

200RachelShe is gone forth, forsooth.

201MatchilForth, ha? When? Whither?[RACHEL begins crying]
        La ye, she thinks I’m angry, and the finger
        Is in the eye already. Is not this
        Fear and obedience, gentlemen? Who went with
        her?

202RachelShe went with my Lady Nestlecock, to bring
        Gabriella on her way, they said.

203MatchilI would
        They were all in France together.

204ErasmusWhat, your daughter?

205MatchilShe comes again, I doubt not.   [To RACHEL]   Dry your eyes,
        And drink that sack, without a curtsey*, drink it.
        You do not know my meaning, gentlemen.
        Stay: now gi’ me’t again. –– Now go and dry
        Your face within –– without a curtsey? Ha!Exit RACHEL
        Now is not this obedience, gentlemen?

206ValentineBut this is not the rare obedient piece
        That you will marry?

207MatchilYou do not hear me say so,
        But I presume, as much obedience
        In her I have made choice of.

208ErasmusMarry a maid,
        And we will be her hench-boys, if you please.

209MatchilNo, I’ll have no such blades ’bout my wife’s hanches*.
        But come, to end this tedious scene*, in which
        I ha’ passed* the purgatory of my passions*
        Of sorrow, anger, fear, and hope at last.
        I am refined, sublimed, exalted, fixed
        In my true sphere of mirth, where love’s my object
        And bloody thought of black revenge cast by*.

210Valentine Could your fair breast harbour a bloody
        thought*?

211MatchilFor some few minutes, in which ecstasy
        I meant t’ ha’ gone, as other gallants do,
        To fight in France, forsooth, and charged my man
        To draw up his accounts, call in my monies,
        Thought to have made my will––

212ErasmusI saw your cashier
        Go forth e’en now with a strong lusty porter
        Loaden with money; I will not say my teeth
        Watered at it.*

213[Valentine]*But ’twas enough to make
        A very true man’s fingers itch.

214MatchilI cannot
        Think he is run away; but yet I like not
        His carrying forth, when I say fetch in money.
        But this is from my purpose. Love ye mirth?
        Let’s in, and drink, and talk. That gives it birth.*[All exit]

Edited by Michael Leslie