ACT FOUR*
4.1
[Enter] DIONYSIA, in man's habit, [and] RAFE.

592DionysiaHow does my habit and my arms become me?

593RafeToo well to be a woman, manly mistress.

594DionysiaWhere’s the pistol you provided for me?
[RAFE hands DIONYSIA a large pistol*.]

595RafeHere, mistress, and a good one.

596Dionysia'Tis too long.

597RafeNo lady would wish a shorter. If it were,
        ’Twould bear no charge, or carry nothing home*.

598DionysiaI'll try what I can do. Thou thinkst me valiant.
        I’m sure I have often felt it.

599RafeAll the viragoes that are found in story,
        Penthesilea* and Semiramis*,
        Were no such handy strikers* as yourself:
        But they had another stroke*. Could you but find it,
        Then you were excellent. I could teach it you.

600DionysiaI dare not understand thee yet*. Be sure
        As you respect my honour, or your life,
        That you continue constant to my trust,
        And so thou canst not know how much I'll love thee.

601RafeThere is a hope as good, now, as a promise.

602DionysiaHere at this inn abide, and wait my coming.
        Be careful of my geldings*. Be not seen
        Abroad for fear my brother may surprise you.
        There’s money for you; and ere that be spent
        ’Tis like I shall return.[DIONYSIA] exits.

603RafeBest stars attend you*.
        Mars* arm thee all the day; and Venus* light
        Thee home into these amorous arms at night.[RAFE] exits.

4.2
[Enter] QUICKSANDS [and] MILLICENT, her face black*.

604QuicksandsBe cheered, my love; help to bear up the joy
        That I conceive by thy concealed beauty,
        Thy rich imprisoned beauty, whose enfranchisement
        Is now at hand, and shall shine forth again
        In its admired glory. I am rapt
        Above the sphere of common joy and wonder
        In the effects of this, our quaint complot.

605MillicentIn the mean time, though you take pleasure in’t,
        My name has dearly suffered.

606QuicksandsBut thine honour
        Shall, in the vindication of thy name*,
        When envy and detraction are struck dumb,
        Gain an eternal memory with virtue;
        When the discountenanced wits of all my jeerers*
        Shall hang their heads, and fall like leaves in autumn.
        O, how I laugh to hear the cozened people,
        As I pass on the streets, abuse themselves
        By idle questions and false reports.
        As thus: 'Good morrow, Master Quicksands! Pray
        How fares your beauteous bedfellow?' Says another,
        'I hear she’s not at home'. A third says no:
        He saw her yesterday at the Stillyard*
        With such a gallant, sousing their dried tongues*
        In Rhenish*, deal*, and back-rag*. Then a fourth
        Says he knows all her haunts and meetings
        At Bridgefoot Bear, the Tuns, the Cats, the Squirrels*;
        Where, when, and in what company to find her,
        But that he scorns to do poor me the favour,
        Because a light piece* is too good for me:
        While a fifth youth with counterfeit show of pity,
        Meets, and bewails my case, and says he knows
        A Lord that must be nameless keeps my wife
        In an enchanted castle two miles west*
        Upon the riverside: but all conclude—

607MillicentThat you are a monstrous cuckold, and deserve it.

608QuicksandsKnowing my safety*, then, and their foul errors,
        Have I not cause to laugh? Yes, in abundance.
        Now note my plot, the height of my invention.
        I have already given out to some
        That I have certain knowledge you are dead,
        And have had private burial in the country,
        At which my shame, not grief, forbade my presence:
        Yet some way to make known unto the world*
        A husband's duty, I resolve to make
        A certain kind of feast, which shall advance
        My joy above the reach of spite or chance.

609MillicentMay I partake, sir, of your rich conceit?

610QuicksandsTomorrow night expires your limited month
        Of vowed virginity. It shall be such a night
        In which I mean thy beauty shall break forth
        And dazzle with amazement even to death
        Those my malicious enemies, that rejoiced
        In thy supposed escape and my vexation.
        I will invite 'em all to such a feast
        As shall fetch blushes from the boldest guest;
        I have the first course ready—

611Millicent   Aside   And if I
        Fail in the second, blame my housewifery*.
[There is a knock at the door*.]

612QuicksandsAway, somebody comes; I guess of them
        That have jeered me, whom I must jeer again.
MILLICENT exits. Enter NATHANIEL, VINCENT, [and] EDMUND.

        Gallants, y’are welcome. I was sending for ye.

613NathanielTo give us that we come for?

614QuicksandsWhat may that be?

615VincentTrifles you have of ours.

616QuicksandsOf yours, my masters?

617EdmundYes, you have in mortgage
        Three-score pound land of mine inheritance*.

618VincentAnd my annuity of a hundred marks*.

619NathanielAnd jewels, watches, plate, and clothes of mine,
        Pawned for four hundred pound. Will you restore all?

620QuicksandsYou know all these were forfeited long since,
        Yet I’ll come roundly* to you, gentlemen.
        Ha’you brought my moneys, and my interest?

621NathanielNo surely. But we’ll come as roundly to you
        As moneyless gentlemen can. You know
        Good offices* are ready money, sir.

622QuicksandsBut have you offices to sell, good sirs?

623NathanielWe mean to do you offices worth your money.

624QuicksandsAs how, I pray you?

625NathanielMarry, sir, as thus;
        We’ll help you to a man that has a friend—

626VincentThat knows a party, that can go to the house—

627EdmundWhere a gentleman dwelt, that knew a scholar—

628NathanielThat was exceeding well acquainted with a traveller—

629VincentThat made report of a great magician beyond the seas—

630EdmundThat might ha’ been as likely as any man in all the world—

631NathanielTo have helped you to your wife again!
[NATHANIEL, EDMUND, and VINCENT all burst out laughing*.]

632QuicksandsYou are the merriest mates that e'er I coped withal.
        But to be serious, gentlemen, I am satisfied
        Concerning my lost wife. She has made even*
        With me and all the world.

633NathanielWhat, is she dead?

634QuicksandsDead, dead. And therefore as men use to mourn
        For kind and loving wives, and call their friends,
        Their choicest friends, unto a solemn banquet
        Served out with sighs and sadness, while the widowers
        Blubber, and bathe in tears which they do seem
        To wring out of their fingers' ends and noses*,
        And after all the demure ceremony
        Are subject to be thought dissemblers: I,
        To avoid the scandal of hypocrisy,
        Because ’tis plain she loved me not, invite
        You and your like that loved her and not me
        To see me in the pride of my rejoicings.
        You shall find entertainment worth your company,
        And that let me entreat tomorrow night.

635NathanielYou shall ha’ mine.

636VincentTomorrow night, say you?

637QuicksandsYes, gallants: fail not, as you wish to view
        Your mortgages and pawns again. Adieu.[QUICKSANDS] exits.

638NathanielWe came to jeer the jew*, and he jeers us.

639VincentHow glad the rascal is for his wife's death.

640NathanielAn honest man could not have had such luck.

641EdmundHe has some further end in’t, could we guess it,
        Than a mere merriment for his dead wife's riddance.

642VincentPerhaps he has got a new wife, and intends
        To make a funeral and a marriage feast*
        In one, to hedge in charges.

643EdmundHe’ll be hanged rather than marry again.

644NathanielZooks, would he had some devilish jealous hilding.
        ’Twould be a rare addition to his mirth
        For us to bring our antic* in betwixt’em
        Of his changeling bastard.

645VincentHowe'er, we’ll grace his feast with our presentment.

646NathanielWhere’s the Buzzard*?

647VincentWe left him with his foster father*, Arnold,
        Busy at rehearsal practising their parts.

648EdmundThey shall be perfect by tomorrow night.

649NathanielIf not unto our profit, our delight.All exit.

4.3
[Enter] THEOPHILUS, LUCY [and PAGE].

650LucyBrother, be comforted.

651TheophilusLet not the name
        Or empty sound of comfort mix with th’air
        That must invade these ears. They are not capable*,
        Or, if they be, they dare not, for themselves,
        Give the conveyance* of a syllable
        Into my heart, that speak not* grief or sorrow.

652LucyBe grieved then, I'll grieve with you. For each sigh
        You waste for Millicent's untimely death
        I'll spend a tear for your as fruitless* sorrow.

653TheophilusThat’s most unsuitable; y’are no company
        For me to grieve with if you grieve for me;
        Take the same cause with me*; you are no friend
        Or sister else of mine. It is enough
        To set the world a-weeping!

654LucySo it is;
        All but the stony part of’t.

655TheophilusNow you are right. Her husband’s of that part,
        He cannot weep by nature. But I'll find
        A way by art in chemistry* to melt him,
        At least extract some drops. But do you weep
        Indeed for Millicent? What, all these tears*?

656LucyAll for your love.

657TheophilusShe is my love indeed; and was my wife.
        But for the empty name of marriage only.

658Lucy*But now she’s yours for ever. You enjoy her
        In her fair blessed memory; in her goodness,
        And all that has prepared her way for glory.

659TheophilusLet me embrace thee, sister. How I reverence
        Any fair honour that is done to her!
        Now thou shalt weep no more. Thou hast given me comfort
        In showing me how she's mine. And tears indeed
        Are all too weak a sacrifice for her,
        But such as the heart weeps*.

660Lucy   [to Theophilus]   Sit down, brother.
           [to the Page]   Sing, boy, the mournful song I bade you practise.
Song*.

661PageLove, where is now thy deity,
        When Fortune alters thy decree
        In making of* another blessed
        With her thou plantedst in my breast?
        And Fortune, where is thy despite
        That gav'st another my delight,
        When Death has* ta'en from him and thee
        The precious prize*, as well as me?

        Of Love I blame the inconstancy;
        Of Fortune curse the* cruelty;
        Death, my revenger*, yet shall scape
        (Though he has done* the greatest rape)
        For he is kindest of the three:
        In taking* her, he calls for me.
        His kindness carries yet a* blot,
        For though* he calls he takes me not.

662TheophilusCall you this mournful? 'Tis a wanton air*.
        Go, y’are a naughty child indeed, I'll whip you
        If you give voice unto such notes.PAGE exits*.

663LucyI know not, brother, how you like the air,
        But in my mind the words are sad. Pray read’em.
[THEOPHILUS] reads [the words]*.

664TheophilusThey are sad indeed.
Enter PAGE, weeping*.

        How now, my boy, dost weep*?
        I am not angry now.

665PageI do not weep,
        Sir, for myself, but there’s a youth without,
        A handsome youth, whose sorrow works in me:
        He says he wants a service, and seeks yours.

666TheophilusDost thou not know him?

667PageNo, but I pity him.

668TheophilusO, good boy, that canst weep for a stranger's misery!
        The sweetness of thy dear compassion
        Even melts me too. What does he say he is?

669Page'Tis that, sir, that will grieve you when you hear it.
        He is a poor kinsman to the gentlewoman
        Lately deceased that you so loved, and mourn for.

670TheophilusAnd dost thou let him stay without so long?
        Merciless villain! Run and fetch him quickly.[PAGE exits.]

671LucyO brother—

672TheophilusSister, can I be too zealous
        In such a cause as this? For hark you, sister—
Enter PAGE and DIONYSIA*.

673Dionysia   [Aside]   There was no way like this to get within ’em.
        Now, courage, keep true touch* with me. I'll vex
        Your cunning and unnatural purpose, brother,
        If I do nothing else.

674PageSir, here’s the youth.

675TheophilusA lovely one he is, and wondrous like her.
        O, let me run and clasp him; hang about him,
        And yoke him to me with a thousand kisses!
[THEOPHILUS embraces DIONYSIA.]
        I shall be troublesome and heavy to thee,
        With the pleased weight of my incessant love,
        Youth of a happy kindred*, which foreruns
        A happy fortune ever. Pray thee, sister,
        Is he not very like her?

676Lucy   [Aside]   If I durst
        I would now say, this were the better beauty,
        For it resembles Arthur's.

677TheophilusIs't not her face? You do not mind me, sister.

678LucyHers was a good one once, and this is now.

679TheophilusWhy sister, you were wont to take delight
        In any comfort that belonged to me;
        And help to carry my joys sweetly: now
        You keep no constant course with me.

680Dionysia   [Aside]   This man
        Melts me*   [Aloud]   Alas, sir, I am a poor boy.

681TheophilusWhat, and allied to her? Impossible!
        Where'er thou livest, her name's a fortune to thee.
        Her memory amongst good men sets thee up;
        It is a word that commands all in this house.

682Dionysia   [Aside]   This snare was not well laid. I fear myself*.

683TheophilusLive my companion; my especial sweet one,
        My brother and my bedfellow* thou shalt be.

684Dionysia   [Aside]   By lakin but I must not, though I find
        But weak matter against it. This my courage*!

685TheophilusShe took from earth*, how kind is Heaven, how good
        To send me yet a joy so near in blood!
        Good noble youth, if there be any more
        Distressed of you*, that claims alliance with her
        Though afar off; deal freely; let me know it,
        Give me their sad names; I'll seek’em out,
        And like a good great man, in memory humble
        Ne'er cease until I plant ’em all in fortunes,
        And see ’em grow about me.

686DionysiaI hear of none, myself excepted, sir.

687TheophilusThou shalt have all my care then, all my love.

688DionysiaWhat make I here*? I shall undo myself.
[THEOPHILUS turns to LUCY.]*

689Theophilus   [to Lucy]   Yet note him, sister.

690Dionysia   [Aside]   Aye, there's the mark my malice chiefly aims at;
        But then, he stands so near, I wound him too.
        I feel that must not be. Art must be shown here.

691Theophilus   [to LUCY]   Come, you shall kiss him for me, and bid him welcome.

692LucyYou are most welcome, sir, and were her name
        To which you are allied, a stranger here,
        Yet, sir, believe me, you in those fair eyes
        Bring your own welcome with you.
[LUCY tries to kiss DIONYSIA. DIONYSIA turns her face away.]

693Dionysia   [Aside]   Never came malice ’mong so sweet a people.
        It knows not how to look, nor I, on them*.

694LucyLet not your gentle modesty make you seem
        Ungentle to us, by turning so away.

695TheophilusThat’s well said sister, but he will and shall
        Be bolder with us*, ere we part.

696Dionysia   [Aside]   I shall, too much, I fear.

697TheophilusCome, gentle blessing,
        Let not a misery be thought on here,
        If ever any were so rude to touch thee:
        Between us we’ll divide the comfort of thee.All exit.

4.4
[Enter] MILLICENT, [her face black, and] PHILLIS.

698MillicentI have heard thy story often, and with pity
        As often thought upon ’t, and that the father
        Of my best-loved Theophilus, together with
        His then friend Master Meanwell (who have since
        Become each other's deathsman, as 'tis thought)
        By suits in law wrought the sad overthrow
        Of thy poor father's fortune; by which means,
        Poor gentleman, he was enforced to leave
        His native country, to seek foreign means
        To maintain life.

699PhillisOr rather to meet death,
        For since his travel, which is now six years,
        I never heard of him.

700MillicentMuch pitiful!

701PhillisSo is your story, mistress, unto me.
        But let us dry our eyes; and know we must not
        Stick in the mire of pity, but with labour
        Work our delivery: yours is now at hand
        If you set will and brain to’t. But my honour
        (If a poor wench may speak so) is so cracked
        Within the ring*, as ’twill be hardly soldered*
        By any art. Fie on that wicked fellow,
        That struck me into such a desperate hazard*.

702MillicentHe will be here tonight, and all the crew,
        And this must be the night of my delivery.
        I am prevented else forever, wench.

703PhillisBe sure, among the guests, that you make choice
        Of the most civil one to be your convoy,
        And then let me alone to act your moor's part.

704MillicentPeace, he comes.
Enter QUICKSANDS.

705PhillisI'll to my shift then.PHILLIS exits.

706QuicksandsWhere’s my hidden beauty,
        That shall this night be glorious?

707MillicentI but wait the good hour
        For my deliverance* out of this obscurity.

708Quicksands'Tis at hand.
        So are my guests. See, some of ’em are entered.
Enter NATHANIEL [and] ARTHUR.
        O my my blithe friend, Master Nathaniel, welcome,
        And Master Arthur Meanwell, as I take it.

709NathanielYes, sir, a gentleman late possessed with sadness,
        Whom I had much ado to draw along
        To be partaker more of your mirth than cheer*.
        You say here shall be mirth.
[NATHANIEL notices MILLICENT. MILLICENT makes to leave.]
        How now, what’s that?
        Ha' you a black coney-berry* in your house?

710QuicksandsStay, Catalina. Nay, she may be seen.
        For know, sirs, I am mortified to beauty
        Since my wife's death. I will not keep a face
        Better than this under my roof, I ha’ sworn.

711ArthurYou were too rash, sir, in that oath, if I
        May be allowed to speak.

712QuicksandsTis done and passed, sir.

713Nathaniel   [Aside]   If I be not taken with yond funeral face,
        And her two eyes the scutcheons, would I were whipped now*.

714ArthurSuppose your friends should wish you to a match
        Prosperous in wealth and honour.

715QuicksandsI'll hear of none, nor you if you speak so.

716ArthurSir, I ha’ done.

717Nathaniel   [Aside]   It is the handsomest rogue
        I have e'er seen yet, of* a deed of darkness*;
        Tawny and russet faces I have dealt with,
        But never came so deep in blackness* yet.

718QuicksandsCome hither, Catalina. You shall see, sir,
        What a brave wench she shall be made anon:
        And when she dances, how you shall admire her!

719ArthurWill you have dancing here tonight?

720QuicksandsYes! I have borrowed other moors of merchants
        That trade in Barbary*, whence I had mine own here,
        And you shall see their way and skill in dancing.

721Nathaniel   [Aside]   He keeps this rye loaf* for his own white tooth*
        With confidence none will cheat him of a bit.
        I'll have a sliver, though I lose my whittle*.

722QuicksandsHere, take this key. ’Twill lead thee to those ornaments
        That decked thy mistress lately. Use her casket,
        And with the sparklingest of her jewels shine;
        Flame like a midnight beacon with that face,
        Or a pitched ship afire, the streamers glowing
        And the keel mourning*. How I shall rejoice
        At these preposterous splendours! Get thee glorious;
        Be like a running firework in my house.

723Nathaniel   [Aside]   He sets me more afire at her. Well, old Stickbreech*,
        If I do chance to clap your Barbary buttock*
        In all her bravery, and get a snatch
        In an odd corner, or the dark tonight
        To mend your cheer*, and you hereafter hear on’t,
        Say there are as good stomachs as your own.
           [Aside to MILLICENT]   Hist, negro, hist.

724Millicent   [Aside to NATHANIEL]   No see*, o no, I dare-a not-a*.

725Nathaniel   [Aside to MILLICENT]   Why, why—pish, pox— I love thee.

726Millicent   [Aside to NATHANIEL]   O no, de fine white Zentilmanna
        Cannot-a love-a the black-a thing-a.

727Nathaniel   [Aside to MILLICENT]   Cadzooks, the best of all, wench.

728Millicent   [Aside to NATHANIEL]   O take-a heed-a, my mastra see-a.

729Nathaniel   [Aside to MILLICENT]   When we are alone, then wilt thou...?

730Millicent   [Aside to NATHANIEL]   Then I shall speak-a more-a.[MILLICENT] exits*.

731Nathaniel   [Aside]   And I'll not lose the moor-a for more than I
        Will speak-a.

732QuicksandsI muse the rest of my invited gallants
        Come not away*.
Enter TESTY.

733NathanielZooks, the old angry justice.

734TestyHow comes it, sir, to pass, that such a news
        Is spread about the town? Is my niece dead,
        And you prepared to mirth, sir? Hah!
        Is this the entertainment I must find
        To welcome me to town?

735Quicksands   (whispers)*   She is not dead, sir. But take you no notice.
           [Aloud]   You shall have instantly an entertainment, that
        Shall fill you all with wonder.Exit [QUICKSANDS].

736TestySure, he is mad.
        Or do you understand his meaning, sirs?
        Or how, or where, his wife died?

737NathanielI know nothing;
        But give me leave to fear, by his wild humour,
        He’s guilty of her death; therefore I hope
        He’ll hang himself anon before us all
        To raise the mirth he speaks of.

738ArthurFie upon you.
        Yet trust me, sir, there have been large constructions,
        And strong presumptions, that the ill-made match
        Betwixt her youthful beauty and his covetous age,
        Between her sweetness and his frowardness,
        Was the unhappy means of her destruction;
        And you that gave strength to that ill-tied knot*
        Do suffer sharply in the world’s opinion,
        While she, sweet virgin, has its general pity.

739TestyPray, what have you been to her? I ne'er found you
        Appear a suitor to her.

740ArthurI ne'er saw her,
        Nor ever should have sought her, sir; for she
        Was only love to my sworn enemy,
        On whom yet (were she living and in my gift)
        Rather a thousand times I would bestow her
        Than on that man that had, and could not know her.

741TestyI have done ill*; and wish I could redeem
        This act with half my estate.

742Nathaniel   [Aside]   This devil's bird*,
        This moor runs more and more still in my mind.
Enter VINCENT and EDMUND.
        O you are come? And ha’ you brought your scene*
        Of mirth along with you?

743VincentYes, and our actors
        Are here at hand: but we perceive much business
        First to be set afoot. Here’s revels towards.

744EdmundA dance of furies, or of blackamoors
        Is practising within.

745VincentBut first there is to be some odd collation
        Instead of supper.

746NathanielCheap enough, I warrant.
        But saw you not a moor-hen* there amongst’em?

747EdmundA pretty little rogue, most richly decked
        With pearls, chains and jewels. She is queen
        Of the night's triumph.

748NathanielIf you chance to spy me
        Take her aside, say nothing.

749EdmundThou wilt filch
        Some of her jewels perhaps.

750NathanielI'll draw a lot
        For the best jewel she wears*. But mum, my masters.
Enter QUICKSANDS.

751QuicksandsEnter the house, pray, gentlemen: I am ready
        Now with your entertainnment.[QUICKSANDS] exits.

752TestyWe’ll follow you.

753NathanielNow for six penny custards, a pipkin of baked
        Pears, three saucers of stewed prunes, a groat's worth
        Of strong ale, and two pennyworth of gingerbread.NATHANIEL, VINCENT, and EDMUND exit.*.

754TestyIf she does live (as he bears me in hand*
        She is not dead) I'll tell you briefly, sir,
        If all the law bodily and ghostly*,
        And all the conscience too* that I can purchase
        With all the wealth I have, can take her from him,
        I will recover her, and then bestow her,
        If you refuse her, on your foe you speak of
        (whose right she is indeed) rather than he
        Shall hold her longer. Now mine eyes are opened.
        Will you walk in?

755ArthurI pray, excuse me, sir.
        I cannot fit myself to mirth.

756TestyYour pleasure.[TESTY] exits.
Enter MILLICENT, white-faced and in her own habit*.

757MillicentHave I with patience waited for this hour,
        And does fear check me now? I’ll break through all,
        And trust myself with yond mild gentleman.
        He cannot but be noble.

758ArthurA goodly creature!
        The room's illumined with her; yet her look
        Sad, and cheek pale, as if a sorrow sucked it.
        How came she in? What is she? I am fear-struck.
        'Tis some unresting shadow. Or, if not,
        What makes* a thing so glorious in this house,
        The master being an enemy to beauty?
        She modestly makes to me.

759MillicentNoble sir—

760ArthurSpeaks too.

761MillicentIf ever you durst own a goodness,
        Now crown it by an act of honour and mercy.

762ArthurSpeak quickly; lose no time then: say, what are you?
        You look like one that should not be delayed.

763MillicentI am th’ unfortunate woman of this house,
        To all mens thoughts at rest*. This is the face
        On which the hell of jealousy abused
        The hand of heaven, to fright the world withal.

764ArthurWere you the seeming moor was here?

765MillicentThe same;
        And only to your secrecy and pity
        I have ventured to appear myself again.

766ArthurWhat’s to be done? Pray speak, and 'tis performed.

767MillicentIn trust and manhood, sir, I would commit
        A great charge to you, even my life and honour,
        To free me from this den of misery.

768ArthurA blessed task! But when you are freed, lady?

769MillicentI would desire, sir, then to be conveyed—

770ArthurWhither? To whom? Speak quickly: why do you stoop*?

771MillicentPray let that rest. I will relieve your trouble
        When I am freed from hence, and use some other's.

772ArthurNay, that were cruelty. As you love goodness, tell me.

773MillicentWhy, dare you bear me, sir, to one you hate?

774ArthurWhat’s that, if you love? 'Tis your peace I wait on.
        I look upon your service, not mine own*.
        Were he the mortallest enemy flesh bred up,
        To you I must be noble.

775MillicentYou profess—

776ArthurBy all that’s good and gracious, I will die
        Ere I forsake you, and not set you safe
        Within those walls you seek.

777MillicentThen, as we pass,
        I'll tell you where they stand, sir.

778ArthurYou shall grace me.[MILLICENT and ARTHUR] exit.

4.5
[Enter] QUICKSANDS, TESTY, NATHANIEL,
VINCENT, [and] EDMUND.

779QuicksandsNow to our revels. Sit ye, sit ye, gallants,
        Whilst, uncle, you shall see how I’ll requite
        The masque they lent me on my wedding night.
        'Twas but lent, gentlemen, your masque of horns,
        And all the private jeers and public scorns
        Y’have cast upon me since. Now you shall see
        How I'll return them; and remarried be*.

780VincentI hope he’ll marry his moor to anger us.

781NathanielI'll give her something with her*, if I catch her,
        And’t be but in the coal-house*.
Flourish. Enter INDUCTOR like a moor leading PHILLIS [black and] gorgeously decked with jewels*.

782TestyAttend, gentlemen*.

783InductorThe Queen of Ethiop dreamt upon a night
        Her black womb should bring forth a virgin white.

784EdmundBlack womb!*

785InductorShe told her king; he told thereof his peers,
        Till this white dream filled their black heads with fears.

786NathanielAh, whoreson blockheads.

787InductorBlack heads, I said. I'll come to you anon.

788TestyHe puts the blockheads on 'em* grossly.

789QuicksandsBrave impudent rogue. He made the speeches last year
        Before my Lord Marquess of Fleet Conduit*.

790InductorTill this white dream filled their black heads with fears*,
        For 'tis no better than a prodigy
        To have white children in a black country.
        So ’twas decreed that if the child proved white,
        It should be made away. 'O cruel spite!'
        The queen cried out, and was delivered
        Of child black as you see: yet wizards said
        That if this damsel lived married to be
        To a white man, she should be white as he.

791VincentThe moral is, if Quicksands marry her,
        Her face shall be white as his conscience*.

792InductorThe careful queen, conclusion for to try,
        Sent her to merry England charily,
        The fairest nation* man yet ever saw,
        To take a husband; such as I shall draw,
        Being an Egyptian prophet.

793EdmundDraw me*, and I'll hang thee.

794InductorNow I come to you, gentlemen.
[The INDUCTOR] looks in EDMUND's hand*.

795Quicksands   [To TESTY]   Now mark my jeers.

796InductorYou must not have her. For I find by your hand
        You have forfeited the mortgage of your land.

797EdmundPox o’your palmistry.

798VincentNow me.
[The INDUCTOR looks] in VINCENT's hand.

799InductorNor you. For here I plainly see
        You have sold and spent your life's annuity.

800VincentThe devil take him made thee a soothsayer*.

801NathanielI find from whence your skill comes.   [Aside]   Yet take me
        For thy little princess of darkness, and if
        I rub* her not as white as another can,
        Let me be hung up with her for a new
        Sign of 'The Labour in Vain'*.
[The INDUCTOR looks] in NATHANIEL's hand.

802InductorNor you, sir, for
        The only suit you wear smells of the chest
        That holds in limbo lavender* all your rest.

803NathanielWould his brains were in thy belly that keeps the key on't*.
[The INDUCTOR looks] in QUICKSANDS's hand.

804InductorThis is the worthy man, whose wealth and wit,
        To make a white one, must the black mark* hit.

805QuicksandsYour jeers are answered, gallants. Now your dance.
Enter the rest of the MOORS. They dance an antic in which they use action of mockery and derision to the three gentlemen*. The INDUCTOR and MOORS exit*.

806NathanielWe applaud your device, and you’ll give me leave
        To take your black bride* here forth in a dance.

807QuicksandsWith all my heart, sir.

808NathanielMusic!* Play a galliard!
           [To Phillis]   You know what you promised me, bullace*.

809PhillisBut how-a can it-a be done-a?

810Nathaniel   [Aside]   How I am taken with the elevation of her nostrils!
           [Aloud]   Play a little quicker—   [To PHILLIS]   Hark you—if I lead you
        A dance to a couch or a bedside, will you follow me?

811PhillisI will do-a my best-a.
NATHANIEL dances vilely. QUICKSANDS and TESTY laugh and look off*.

812NathanielSo, so; quick music, quick.

813QuicksandsO ugly! Call you this dancing? Ha, ha, ha!

814Nathaniel   [Aside]   Do you laugh at me*!
Enter ARNOLD like a countryman, and BUZZARD like a changeling, and as they enter, NATHANIEL [exits] with PHILLIS, the music still playing*. [BUZZARD] sings and dances and spins with a rock and spindle*.

815ArnoldBy your leave, gentlefolks!

816BuzzardO brave, o brave!

817QuicksandsHow now?

818TestyWhat are these?

819BuzzardHack ye there, hack ye there*!
        O brave pipes! Hack ye there!
        Hey toodle loodle loodle loo*!

820QuicksandsWhat are you, men or devils?

821ArnoldYou are advised enough, sir, if you please*. But to be short, I'll show you I am a Norfolk man and my name is John Hulverhead.

822Quicksands   [softly]   Hold thy peace.

823ArnoldYou cannot hear o’that side* it seems.

824QuicksandsI know thee not, not I.

825ArnoldBut you know my brother Matthew Hulverhead, deceased, with whom you placed this simple child of yours.

826QuicksandsI placed no child in Norfolk, nor Suffolk, nor any -folk*, I.
           [Aside]   Say thou mistookst me: I'll reward thee. Go.

827ArnoldI cannot hear o’that ear neither, sir.

828VincentWhat’s the matter, Mr Quicksands?

829EdmundHa’ you any more jeers to put upon us? What are these?

830BuzzardHey toodle loodle loodle loo!

831QuicksandsGet you out of my house.

832ArnoldI may not till I be righted. I come for right, and I will have right, or the best of the city shall hear on’t.

833Vincent   [Aside to EDMUND]   I swear the rascals act it handsomely.

834TestyWhat art thou, fellow? What dost thou seek?

835VincentTell that gentleman: he is an upright magistrate and will see thee righted.

836ArnoldI am a poor Norfolk man, sir. And I come to ease myself of a charge, by putting off a child natural to the natural father* here.

837QuicksandsMy child! Am I his father? Darest thou speak it?

838ArnoldBe not ashamed on’t, sir: You are not the first grave and wise citizen that has got an idiot.

839TestyHere’s good stuff* towards.

840BuzzardHa, ha, ha— with a hey toodle loodle loodle loo!   Etcetera*.   

841QuicksandsHow should I get him? I was never married till this month.

842ArnoldHow does other bawdy bachelors get children?

843BuzzardWith a hey toodle loodle loodle loo!   Etcetera.   

844TestyHave you been a bastard-getter, and marry my niece?

845Vincent   [Aside to EDMUND]   Now it works*.

846TestyI'll teach you to get a bastard, sirrah*.

847ArnoldHe needs none o’your skill it seems.

848BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   

849QuicksandsWell, Gentlemen, to take your wonder off,
        I will lay truth before you*.
        For a poor servant that I had, I undertook and paid
        For keeping of an idiot.

850EdmundWho, your man Buzzard?

851QuicksandsEven he.

852BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   

853Quicksands’Tis like this is the child. But for a certain sum
        Which I did pay, ’twas articled that I should ne'er be
        Troubled with it more.

854TestyNow what say you to that, sir?

855Arnold’Tis not denied, sir. There was such agreement,
        But now he is another kind of charge.

856VincentWhy, he gets something towards his living methinks.
BUZZARD spins.

857ArnoldYes, he has learned to thrip among the mawthers*;
        But, sir, withal, to do more harm than good by’t,
        And that’s the charge I speak of: we are not bound
        To keep your child, and your child's children too.

858TestyHow’s that?

859ArnoldSir, by his cunning at the rock,
        And twirling of his spindle on the thrip-skins*,
        He has fetched up the bellies* of sixteen
        Of his thrip-sisters.

860BuzzardHey toodle, loodle, loodle!   Etcetera.   

861TestyIs’t possible?

862ArnoldSo well he takes after his father here it seems.

863EdmundTake heed o’that, friend: you heard him say it was his man's child.

864ArnoldHe shan't fright me with that, though it be a great man's part to turn over his bastards to his servants. I am none of his hirelings, nor his tenants I. But I know what I say; and I know what I come about; and not without advice; and you may know, that Norfolk is not without as knavish counsel, as another county may be. Let his man Buzzard be brought forth, and see what he will say to’t.

865BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   

866QuicksandsWretch that I was to put away that fellow!
        But stay! where is my wife? My wife, my wife—

867VincentWhat say you, sir?

868QuicksandsMy moor, I would say. Which way went my moor?

869VincentYour Ethopian princess! Nat is gone to dance with her in private, because you laughed him out of countenance* here.

870QuicksandsMischief on mischief! Worse and worse I fear.

871TestyWhat do you fear, why stare you? Are you frantic?

872QuicksandsI must have wits and fits, my fancies and fegaries*.

873EdmundYour jeers upon poor gallants.

874VincentHow do you feel yourself?

875BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   

876ArnoldAsk your father blessing, Timsy*.

877BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   

878ArnoldUpon your knees, man.

879BuzzardUpon all my knees*. Ah— ah. Hey toodle loodle!
[BUZZARD kneels to QUICKSANDS.] Enter NATHANIEL and PHILLIS, pulled in by the [INDUCTOR and the other] MOORS*.

880NathanielWhat was’t to you*, you slaves?
        Must you be peeping?

881TestyWhat’s the matter now?

882NathanielWhat was’t to you, ye rascals?

883Inductor*It is to us, sir. We were hired to dance and to speak speeches; and to do the gentleman true service in his house; and we will not see his house made a bawdy house, and make no speech o’that.

884TestyWhat is the business?

885InductorMarry, sir, a naughty business. This gentleman has committed a deed of darkness with your moor, sir; we all saw it.

886TestyWhat deed of darkness? Speak it plainly.

887InductorDarkness or lightness*; call it which you will. They have lain together; made this same a bawdy house; how will you have it?

888QuicksandsUndone, most wretched. O, I am confounded.
        I see no art can keep a woman honest.

889NathanielI love her, and will justify my act*.

890PhillisAnd I thee, best of any man on earth*.

891NathanielThou speakest good English now*.

892QuicksandsO ruin, ruin, ruin—

893BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   

894VincentWhy take you on so, for an ugly fiend*?

895QuicksandsShe is my wife, gentlemen.

896AllHow, sir, your wife?

897EdmundIn conceit, you mean.

898QuicksandsI say, my lawful wife; your niece; and so disguised
        By me on purpose.

899TestyI said he was mad before, ha, ha, ha!

900NathanielNow I applaud my act, ’twas sweet and brave.

901QuicksandsI’ll be divorced before a court in public.

902TestyNow will I use authority and skill.
        Friends, guard the doors. None shall depart the house.[The INDUCTOR and MOORS exit.]*


904ArnoldShall I, sir, and my charge stay too?


906TestyMarry Sir, shall you.

907Buzzard   [Aside]   I fear we shall be smoked then.

908Arnold   [Aside]   No, no, fear nothing.

909TestyYou know your chamber, huswife. I’ll wait o’your master
        Tonight. We will not part until, tomorrow day,
        Justice and Law lights every one his way.

910VincentIs this your merry night, sir?

911QuicksandsOh—oh—oh—oh—

912EdmundWhy roar you so?

913NathanielIt is the cuckold's howl, a common cry about the city.

914QuicksandsOh oh—

915BuzzardHey toodle loodle!   Etcetera.   All exit.

Edited by Matthew Steggle