ACT TWO
2.1
[Outside CAMELION's shop in the New Exchange]*
[Enter] CAMELION and HANNAH

215CamelionI prithee now, I prithee, prithee now
        Urge me no more in this case; for I cannot,
        Nor I wo’ not so, I wo’ not, I, be jealous
        Of mine own wife, mine own dear flesh and blood.
        That’s such a thing! I pidee, speak no more on’t.

216HannahYou show you love, Rafe.*

217CamelionSo I hope I do, Nan.
        My cock, my pity nittle nansy cocksy,
        Do I not show my love when I deny thee
        Unreasonable requests*? I never heard
        Of woman that desired a loving husband
        To be a jealous master over her;
        Especially a city-shopkeeper,
        The best part of whose trade runs through the hands
        Of his fair wife too! ’Tis unreasonable.
        And thou the first that e’er take up the humour.

218HannahAnd you the first that e’er I knew besotted
        Into a wilful confidence, which renders
        Me to a vile construction; and yourself,
        By leaving me to all assaults and hazards,
        Have got the reputation of a wittol,
        Or one that seems contented to become so.

219CamelionHoni soit qui maly pense.*
        My cock, my nansy cock, my cocksy nansy,
        Kiss me, and use thine own conscience: I scorn
        The yellow sickness*, I, let ’em all say what they will.
        Dainty, come thou to me. I will not lose
        An hair’s breadth o’my humour, nor retain
        An ill thought o’my cock’s honesty
        For all the wealth i’the Exchange, not I.

220HannahI not desire you should, but only that
        You will not seem so careless of my credit*,
        Exposing me to all temptations
        Of the wild gallantry of the wanton time.
        By whom – although my chastity remains
        Untouched – my name and your discretion suffers.*

221CamelionPish, Honi soit again: Cock, I defy
        Calumniation and detraction, I.
        When I am jealous, let the horn-curse take me;
        And let me be with hornets stung to death*.

222HannahStill you fly from the point. I would not have
        You vex yourself with causeless jealousy
        Over my constant love, but only seem
        A little watchful o’er my reputation,
        Whereby you may decline men’s lewd attempts;
        And not to throw me upon opportunities
        To draw them on, as if I were a thing
        Set out, as in your shop, for common sale.

223CamelionCock, thou shalt never tie me to’t; not I.
        I must not lose my harmless recreations
        Abroad to snook over my wife at home.
        Thought’st ha’ me like the hare-brained point-tagger,
        That used to hammer his fingers at one end
        O’ th’ shop, while’s wife was bargaining at the other?
        Not I; sweet Cock, pidee, let’s hear no more on’t.
Enter FOOTPOST [carrying a letter]
        Now friend! Is your business to me or my wife?

224FootpostThis superscription will inform you, sir.*

225Camelion

   [CAMELION reads]   'To my dear daughter Mistress Hannah Camelion, at her shop or house in or near the New Exchange.'*

Cock*, take it quickly.   [To FOOTPOST]   What a knave art thou to put a letter in my hands that is directed to my wife. ’Sbobs, I would not ha’ opened it for forty pound*.

226Footpost   [Aside]   If all husbands in the City were of his mind,
        it were a forest of fools* indeed.

227CamelionCock, I must leave thee.

228HannahPray stay a little. This letter’s from my father.

229CamelionI hope the good captain’s well.

230HannahYes, very well, pray read his letter here.

231CamelionCock, you shall pardon me. Not I.
        I have a match to play at the ducking-pond*.
        Prithee, foreslow not my occasions, Cock,
        As I forbear to pry into thy secrets.

232HannahHere’s nothing but what I would have you see.
        There’s for your postage, friend.   [HANNAH gives FOOTPOST money]   It needs no answer.

233FootpostI thank you, mistress.Exit FOOTPOST

234HannahBut if you will not stay to read this letter,
        You shall not deny me one thing.

235CamelionWhat is it? Quickly, my sweet Nanny Cock.

236Hannah   [HANNAH gives CAMELION a pen]   Here, take this pen: write here a word or sentence.
        What you please. But keep it well in mind,
        And look that you be sure to know’t again
        When I shall show’t you.

237Camelion   [CAMELION writes* on the letter]   ’Tis done, there: I defy, and dare the devil
        And all his clerks to counterfeit my hand.
        So, my sweet Cock, a kiss and adieu.[CAMELION kisses HANNAH]

238HannahWell, Rafe, remember that you won’t be jealous.

239CamelionNot I. ’Sbobs, yonder comes one of the blades
        That thou would’st have me have an eye to, he
        That lives by his wits, and yet is seldom sober;
        That goes so gallantly, and has no credit,
        Nor ever buys with ready money, but
        Barters commodity for commodity,
        Such as it is, with tradesmen’s wives, they say.*
        What call you him? Oh, Askal. There’s another
        Comes with him too. Into thy shop*, good Cock.
        I wo’ not stay, not I. So farewell, Cock.Exit CAMELION

240HannahAnd farewell, cockscomb, some wife would say now.
        I am much troubled at his silliness
        And would, to right me, strain a woman’s wit,
        Knew I with modesty how to answer it.
        Something I’ll do.*
Enter ERASMUS and VALENTINE. [They talk unheard by HANNAH]

241ErasmusWas ever such a humour in a man,as this mad
        Merchant Matchil is possessed with,
        To marry so, to spite his child and kindred?

242ValentineHe has made his daughter by’t a match worth nothing*.
        And there your hope is gone.

243ErasmusAnd yours in me.
        For as I said before, good Valentine,
        I must return you to your City wives,
        By the old trade* to pick your maintenance
        Out of ’em, as you boast you can.

244Valentine’Tis well, sir.
        And now to let you know that I can live
        Without the helps of such cool friends as you,
        I’ll show you a present probability.
        Dost* see yond pretty, mumping piece* i’ th’
        shop, there?

245ErasmusYes, is that one –?

246ValentineOne o’th’ forty, boy,
        That renders tribute in to my exchequer*.

247ErasmusDid’st ever lie with her?

248ValentineHow plain you are! Not I, not I.
        That’s her fool-husband’s word*.
        Let it suffice that I have seen her thrice,
        And that I lay with, drink, and wear her money.*
        O, ’tis the sweetest rogue.

249ErasmusHow got you acquainted?

250ValentineI’ll tell you that. Walking by chance, as now,
        Before her shop, where a young gentleman
        Was bargaining, he called me by my name,
        Val Askal. Instantly her eye was fixed
        And straight ran over my delineaments*,
        Which I set to her view; and took occasion
        To ask her how the object pleased her.

251ErasmusBoldface.

252ValentineI never lost by that.
        She then demands, 'Is your name Askal, sir?'
        I answer, 'Yes'. 'Pray, of what country, sir?'*
        I told her; when a sudden flaming blush
        Did in her face betray the fire of love*,
        That was at th’ instant raging in her breast.
        She looked me through and through, sighed, turned away,
        Then looked again under her hat-brims thus*.
        And thus I nimbly caught her with mine eye*.

253ErasmusAye, thou hast a devilish catch i’that same eye*.

254ValentineSir, what I have, I have. I gave a leer
        With that same eye that made her turn her whites up*.

255ErasmusBut to the point.

256ValentineWhy, do you think a woman’s so quickly
        brought to the point?

257ErasmusWhat followed then?

258ValentineI saw she was struck; and thus I gave her line
        To play withal. I whispered in her ear
        The way to find my lodging and my service*.
        Next morning early comes* a message to me,
        Inviting me to dinner; cheer and welcome
        Plenteously flowed; and, sir, before we parted,
        Upon some private conference twenty pieces
        Were clutched into this hand, but with a caution
        To be discreet and thrifty of her purse,
        And keep a friend in store. I have been modest,
        And have not struck her since, but for ten more.

259ErasmusAnd that’s your last.

260ValentineI’ll hold you ten o’that.*
        See, she has spied me.

261HannahWhat lack ye, gentlemen?* Fair cut-work bands, boot-hose, or boot-hose tops, shirts, waistcoats, nightcaps, what will you buy?

262Valentine   [Aloud to HANNAH]   I come not now to buy,
        But in plain terms to borrow. Do you not know me?

263HannahNot on these terms.

264Erasmus   [Aside to VALENTINE]   Sure, thou mistakest the woman.
        This is not she thou talk’st so freely on, Bounce.

265Valentine   [Aside to ERASMUS]   She’s cautious before thee. Walk off a little.[ERASMUS stands apart]
           [Aloud to HANNAH]   Now you may hear me, lady.

266HannahGive me leave
        A little first to wonder at your rashness,
        To talk so openly before a stranger.

267ValentineMy intimate friend; I’ll trust him with my life.

268HannahWhat’s that to my unblemished reputation?
        ’Tis not your life can salve that, being wounded.
        But thus it is, when women out of goodness
        Hazard their fortunes to relieve the wants
        Of such as you, that carry no respect
        But to your own licentious appetites,
        And think no favour’s sweet, unless you may
        Have privilege to boast ’em to our shame.

269ValentineI do not boast of yours.

270HannahPray, boast no more
        Than you have found, and much good may they do
        you.
        ’Tis not poor thirty pieces* can undo me.

271ValentineNo, nor ten more, I hope; and that’s the sum
        I would entreat: all makes but forty pound*.
        I’ll pay thee like a gentleman, as I am one;
        Either in money or – dost hear me, rogue? –
        In what shall please thee better*. Come, be wise,
        Thy husband’s a dull ducking gamester, and
        Kennels his water-dog in Turnbull Street**.
        We’ll answer his delights with better sport.

272HannahThere’s your presumption.

273ValentineNo, ’tis my ambition.
        When shall we walk to Tottenham? Or cross o’er
        The water, or take coach to Kensington
        Or Paddington; or to some one or other
        O’ th’ City outleaps for an afternoon,
        And hear the cuckoo sing to th’ purpose? When?

274HannahA woman were a wise one that would trust
        Herself in such wild hands as yours, to have
        Her name made tavern-talk among your blades,
        And thrust i’ th’ list of your loose-hilted mistresses.

275ValentineO no; fie, no: you cannot think how close
        And careful I will be. Hark in thine ear.
[VALENTINE and HANNAH talk apart]

276Erasmus   [Aside]   I cannot blame this fellow now so much
        For using of his wits to get a living,
        Though in an idle way, as for traducing*
        People of worth and virtue, as this woman
        Who I am credibly informed is virtuous
        And too discreet for him to shark upon.
        Therefore to grace himself, he slanders her.
        I have always liked his company till now,
        And shall hereafter be more wary of him.

277Hannah   [Aloud]   Well, sir, upon your* faithful protestation
        And vow of secrecy, here’s ten pieces more.
[HANNAH gives VALENTINE ten pieces of money]
        You have found a tender-hearted woman of me
        Over your wants; and all the satisfaction
        That I desire is, that I may not suffer
        Under a lavish tongue; ’tis easy payment.

278ValentineYes, but I’ll pay thee better. Therefore,
        tell me, when we shall meet and have a spirt abroad?

279HannahYour friend stays for you, sir.

280ValentinePish*, let him stay.

281HannahYou slight him now, but he knows all your counsels.

282ValentineBy this good tongue, no more than the unbegotten Hans that I mean to clap into thy Kelder*.
        Nor ever shall: dost think I am so foolish
        To talk away my hopes? No, thou art my fairy,
        Pinch* me to death when I discover thee.

283HannahGo to, avoid suspicion then. Besides,
        I have occasions that do call me hence.Exit HANNAH

284ErasmusYour stay was somewhat long.

285ValentineYet ’twas to purpose,
        As here you may behold; but I must make no words on’t.[VALENTINE counts out his money]*
        She has enjoined me that. O, ’tis a cunning gypsy.

286Erasmus So’t seems, by trusting thee that hast no power to keep a secret.*

287ValentineTroth, to tell you true,
        My conscience will not bear ’t, I cannot be
        So ungrateful to receive a courtesy,
        But to acknowledge it.

288ErasmusYet thou hast the conscience*
        To work a man’s estate out of his hands
        By his wife’s frailty, even to break his back*.

289Valentine’Tis rather to be feared she may break mine.*
        She’s a tight, strong-docked tit.

290ErasmusO tradesmen, why do you marry?

291ValentineWhy? To make tradeswomen
        For gentlemen that want* money and commodity.
        You know the thing that I call father-in-law
        That had my mother’s whole estate, and buried her,
        Allows me nothing.

292ErasmusThank your own sweet courses*.

293ValentineMy courses are sweet courses, they serve me to live upon*.

294Erasmus   [Aside]   But I shall put you off
        O’ one of your sweet courses, or at least
        I’ll strain a point of friendship to be satisfied
        Touching this woman; ’twill be worth discovery.

295ValentineBut why these cloudy looks? Do not you like my courses? Ha!*

296ErasmusI cry thee mercy, Val,
        I was upon* our former subject, Matchil.

297ValentineAye, there’s a hasty match clapped up. You asked
        Why tradesmen marry: there’s a marriage now!
        A humorous cockscomb that could never laugh
        In all his last wife’s days; and since her death
        Could ne’er be sad. For him to marry his malkin
        For poor and coarse* obedience! Well, I hope
        To take my course* in his house yet, for all
        Her boasted chastity and obedience.

298ErasmusWould’st thou touch such a thing*?

299ValentineWhat, not for money*?
        She can pay well, and her ugliness cannot fright me.
        I can do that work winking*.

300ErasmusShe can be no such woman.

301ValentineTell not me
        What any woman can or cannot be.
        You’ll give me leave to try my fortune with her.

302ErasmusYes, and walk with you towards it.ERASMUS and VALENTINE exit together*
2.2*
[In LADY NESTLECOCK's house]*
Enter LADY NESTLECOCK and EPHRAIM

303Lady NestlecockNo news, no tidings of ’em, Ephraim, ha!
        Was ever such a ’scape?

304EphraimNot since the rape
        Of Helen, I’m persuaded*. I have searched
        With narrow eyes, as I may say, with care,
        And diligence in most secret places.
        And can no way inform myself, what is
        Betide of the young damsels, or old squire –
        Your niece, and the French virgin, and the man
        Unworthy to be called your brother, Strigood.

305Lady NestlecockO, hang him, villain.

306EphraimDoubtless ’twas his plot
        To work upon your ladyship’s good nature
        To harbour them, that he might take th’ advantage
        Of stealing them away.

307Lady NestlecockWhat to do, ha?

308EphraimTo do? Much may be done*, by his seducements,
        On two such tender virgins, though he should
        But plant them in our suburbs*; but my fear
        Is that he has transported them beyond seas
        Into some nunnery. Your ladyship
        Knows he is adverse in religion*.

309Lady NestlecockI know he is of none*.

310EphraimSatan will work
        The stronger in him, then, to their subversion.

311Lady NestlecockHow shall I answer now my brother Matchil?
        But he is justly served to marry so.
        The thought of it torments me. Where’s my comfort?
        Where’s Nehemiah, ha?

312EphraimHe’s busy, madam.

313Lady NestlecockWhat, at his book? Or at his music, ha?

314EphraimThat is, his ballet*, or his jew’s trump. No,
        Madam. He is busy at his exercise of arms*
        With a new castingtop, a cat and catstick*,
        I bought and brought him home.

315Lady NestlecockI thank you for ’em,
        My careful, discreet Ephraim. I like
        His harmless exercises well.

316EphraimI hope
        Your ladyship can say since I have had
        The government of him under your ladyship,
        I have been careful of the gentleman,
        And have his love withal so much, that I
        Dare say – I hope you’ll pardon the comparison –
        That had you married me – which was as likely
        As that your brother would have ta’en his maid*
        I think that Master Nehemiah would not
        Have run away in hatred of our match,
        As Mistress Joyce, it seems, hath done of theirs.
        I hope your ladyship’s pardon, I understand
        My duty.

317Lady NestlecockAnd you speak but reason, Ephraim.

318Ephraim   [Aside]   I have given her there a touch of my affection.
        Who knows how it may work?

319Lady NestlecockGo, call him in.
        I would not have him overheat himself.

320Ephraim’Tis a good care. And, madam, by the way,
        Let me advise, that since his riper years
        Require, and that fair propositions
        Of marriage are tendered for him, that
        We gently by degrees do take him off
        From childish exercise, indeed plain boy’s play.
        More manly would become him.

321Lady NestlecockYou would have him
        Do worse, then, would you? And be nought, you varlet?
        What! Would you have him play at man’s game, ha?
        ’Fore he be married, ha? What, what? How now?
        Is it but up and ride* w’ ye, ha?

322EphraimI humbly
        Beseech your ladyship’s pardon, I will call
        Sweet Master Nehemiah to your worship.

323Lady NestlecockGo*, th’art an honest man. I know thou lov’st him.Exit EPHRAIM
        Indeed he’s all my comfort and my care
        And I must naturally respect all those
        That do partake with me my care of him.
Enter NEHEMIAH, looking down and eating

324Lady NestlecockMy boy Neh, son Nehemiah.

325NehemiahF’sooth*.

326Lady NestlecockThat’s my good lamb. Hold up thy head and thou
        Shalt have a wife.

327NehemiahBut mother, f’sooth, when I have her,
        Will she play with me at peg-top?

328Lady NestlecockAt anything, my boy.

329NehemiahAnd she ha’ not good box and steel*, I shall so grull* her.*
        And then at Mumbledepeg I will so firk her.

330Lady NestlecockBut when y’are married, you’ll find other pastime.

331NehemiahWhate’er I say, I have a meaning though:
        But yet, I doubt, I shall not forsake all
        My old fagaries in a year or two.

332Lady NestlecockI know thy will is good to leave thy wag-tricks,
        And I commend your understanding in it.
        It shows you man, and ready for a wife.

333NehemiahAmardla, f’sooth, I think so; aye, Amardla.
        For I did beat a boy as high as myself
        Yesterday, with one hand.

334Lady NestlecockWhere was thy tother?

335NehemiahThe boy had but one hand f’sooth. I used both.*

336Lady NestlecockWell, th’ art too witty to live long*, I fear.
        But as I was saying, son, I do expect
        Sir Swithen Whimlby to bring his niece.

337NehemiahWho, f’sooth, the crying knight, he that has wept
        E’er since his lady died, and mourns in colours*,
        Speaks nothing but in verse, and gives me ballads?
        The old Knight Powel* that pronounces what d’ye call
        ’em?

338Lady NestlecockOdes, child, and elegies. He has been inspired
        With the infection of poetry
        E’er since his wife’s departure; and ’tis thought
        Nothing can put him out, or cure him of it
        But a new wife to kill the furious itch* of it.

339NehemiahBut is not his niece too big for me? I would be loth
        To be over-matched.

340Lady NestlecockO witty, witty, still.
        But when she comes, Nehemiah, what’ll you say to her?

341NehemiahI’ll give her the time of the day or the night,
        I warrant her, come at what hour she will.
        Why, if I eat not all before she come –
        And she must try her, if I don’t – I’ll ask her
        If she can speak with plums in her mouth; and then
        I’ll offer her a long one and two round ones*,
        And nod at her.

342Lady NestlecockYou will not, will you, ha?

343NehemiahMother, I know both what to say and do.
        I trust I am not to be taught to woo.

344Lady NestlecockToo witty still, I say, to be long-lived.

345NehemiahBut hark you mother, f’sooth: I am told that you
        Bear a month’s mind to that Sir Whimlby
        And a cross match is talked on betwixt you
        And the old Knight, and me and his young niece.
        O ho – is’t so?

346Lady NestlecockThis is no crafty child.*

347NehemiahLet me but see how you will handle him now
        And mark how I’ll come over her with small jerks*.

348Lady NestlecockO th’art a witty wag. A blessing on it.
Enter EPHRAIM, ushering WHIMLBY and BLITH

349EphraimMadam, Sir Swithen Whimlby and his niece,
        Mistress Blith Tripshort.

350Lady NestlecockThey are very welcome.
        Noble Sir Swithen.[LADY NESTLECOCK and WHIMLBY] kiss [in greeting]

351NehemiahNoble Mistress Blith.[NEHEMIAH and BLITH] kiss [in greeting]

352Lady NestlecockSweet knight, y’are welcome.

353NehemiahWelcome, sweet Lady.

354Lady NestlecockStill weeping?

355WhimlbyO, good Madam!

356NehemiahStill weeping for a husband.

357BlithHa, ha, ha.*

358NehemiahMother, she puts me out*,
        She laughs.

359Lady NestlecockLaugh with her, then.

360NehemiahAmardla, so I will, and if you laugh
        At me, I’ll laugh at you again, so I will.

361BlithHa, ha.

362NehemiahAre you there with me? I’ll be here with you, then.
        Will you eat any sugar plums? No, I’ll eat ’em for you.
        There’s ha, ha, ha, ha, for you now.

363Lady NestlecockDo you note, Sir Swithin, what a wag it is?
        Walk into the next room, Nehemiah. Did you note him?Exit NEHEMIAH and BLITH

364WhimlbyMadam, to tell you true,
        My love to you
        Springs from the joy,
        I take in your sweet boy.

365Ephraim   [Aside]   And that’s the way to win her*.

366[Whimlby]*I can take no delight
        But in his sight,
        Nor any pride,
        Since my dear Grissel* died,
        In all I see on earth or find in books,
        But that which overcomes me in his looks.

367Lady NestlecockO sweet Sir Swithen, you have all wooed and won me.

368Ephraim   [Aside]   Then all my hopes are frustrate.

369Lady NestlecockMy son shall have your niece; and for mine own part,
        You loving him so well, of what’s in me
        I can deny you nothing.

370WhimlbyGentle madam.

371Ephraim   [Aside]   She offers up herself; now may the proverb*
        Of proffered service light upon her.

372Lady NestlecockNay, Sir Swithen,
        Let me entreat you to leave weeping now.

373WhimlbyMadam, I cannot so
        Forgo my woe.
        For while I strive
        My solace to revive,
        I do but still restore
        My grief, before
        That did betide
        When my dear Grissel died.
        And when your ladyship appears in sight,
        Pardon, I cannot choose but cry outright.

374Lady NestlecockAlas, good knight. He weeps pure Helicon*.
        He has not wherewithal to quench his love,
        But his own tears. A wife would cool him better.
        Why, sir, does sight of me renew your grief?

375WhimlbyO Madam, Madam, yes;
        In you the bliss,
        That I do miss,
        I find enshrinèd is.
        And till to ease my pain,
        I shall regain
        In you the bride,
        That in my Grissel died.
        So oft as she in you to me appears,
        My numbers cannot cease to flow in tears.

376Lady NestlecockGood sir, collect yourself, and be assured
        I am your own, so Neh may have your niece,
        With her full dowry of four thousand pounds*.
        My personal estate is full as much.
        That and myself are yours on the cross marriage,
        You making me an answerable jointure.

377Ephraim   [Aside]   Is’t come so near? I’ll cross it, or my star
        Drop crosses on my head. O vain, vain woman,
        To dote on poetry in an old man.
        Ladies may love it in the young and bold,
        And when they are sick give gally-pots of gold,
        For cordial electuaries to cheer
        Their crop-sick muses; but to an old and sere
        Man that outlives his labours*, who can be
        So vain to give herself away but she?
        I had been fitter for her, and I’ll watch
        Occasion yet, perhaps, to cross the match.
        I can turn poet too.Exit EPHRAIM

378Lady NestlecockDry now your eyes, and answer me in prose.*
        Are you content to yield to those conditions
        I have propounded, ha?

379WhimlbyI am content
        And now for joy could weep,
        Finding my Grissel in your ladyship.

380Lady NestlecockI hope the young ones do accord as well.
Enter NEHEMIAH and BLITH

381Blith’Protest, I cannot abide you.

382NehemiahNor I you,
        Amardla, that I cannot.

383WhimlbyThey’re agreed.
        Madam, it seems they both are of one mind.

384Lady NestlecockI do not like it. What’s the matter, Nehemiah?

385NehemiahShe is no wife for me, she has broke my jew’s trump; look you here else. And almost broke my head with one of my bounding stones*.

386Lady NestlecockBless my boy, she has not, has she, ha?

387NehemiahAnd yet after all that, and for all I offered to teach her to shoot in my trunk and my stone-bow*, do you think she would play with me at Trou*, Madam? No, nor at any thing else. I’ll none of her. And yet I’ll have her too, if she will promise to do as I would have her hereafter.*

388Lady NestlecockThere, do you note him there, Sir Swithen?
        This child has no childish meaning in’t, I warrant you.

389WhimlbyNo, madam, no, I know him inwardly.
        He is my joy, and she shall be conformable,
        Or fare the worse.

390Lady NestlecockShe will, I know she will.
        Will you not have my son, sweet Mistress Blith?

391BlithSweet Madam, what to do? Ha, ha, I shall be quickly weary with laughing at him. His fooling will soon be stale and tedious; and then to beat him would be as toilsome to me; and lastly, to be tied to nothing but to cuckold him is such a common town-trick that I scorn to follow the fashion.

392Lady NestlecockCan she talk thus? Ha!

393WhimlbyA merry, harmless girl.
        Fear not, good madam, she will come about.

394BlithA thousand mile about rather than meet him.

395Lady NestlecockI much desire she would; for now my son
        Is set a-marrying, I warrant it, poor* thing,
        It is in pain, till it be at it*: ha!
        Pray, bring her on, Sir Swithen, let him kiss her.
Poor heart, he licks his lips; and look how arseward she is.*

396WhimlbyFie, Blith, be courteous, Blith.   [BLITH moves as though to kiss NEHEMIAH, but in fact spits in his face]   

397NehemiahMother! – She has spit, Amard, just in my
        mouth.

398BlithAmard, what’s that? If you speak French you wrong me.

399Lady NestlecockGip, Mistress Tripshort. Is this the manners your mother left you?

400BlithSpeak not you of mothers, madam.

401Lady NestlecockSir Swithen, will you see my child abused so, ha?

402WhimlbyI can but grieve for’t, Madam.

403NehemiahMy mother is as good as your mother, so she is, for all she’s dead.

404Lady NestlecockAye, well said, Neh.

405BlithYes, it appears in your good breeding.
        Your fine qualities express her virtues sufficiently.

406Lady NestlecockHow dare you, hussy*, talk thus to my son, of me, and before my face too? Ha! Sir Swithen, can you think well of me, and suffer this, ha?

407WhimlbyAlas, good madam, I am down again. I know not what to think of living woman now.

408Lady NestlecockDo you bring your niece to abuse me?

409WhimlbyI’m so drowned in tears, that I cannot see what to say to’t.

410NehemiahMother, Amardla, the more I look on her, the better I like her.

411Lady Nestlecock*Sayest so, my boy?

412[Nehemiah]Besides, I have a conceit she can out-scold you, and that’s more than ever woman did, I think, f’sooth.

413Lady Nestlecock For thee, I do forbear her.
Enter MATCHIL and RACHEL

414MatchilBy your leave, my Lady Nestlecock, I have brought a sister of yours* here to salute you.

415Lady NestlecockThough unworthy to be of your counsel, or at the ceremony, I heard you were married, brother. And by a sister’s name you are welcome.

416RachelI thank your ladyship.

417MatchilSir Swithen Whimlby! And your pretty niece! Well met, what affairs have you in hand here? What, do you cry for your old wife still or for a new one? But hark you, lady sister, where’s my daughter?

418Lady Nestlecock   [Aside]   Now for a tempest.   [Aloud to MATCHIL]   Truly sir, I know not.

419MatchilIs she not with you, ha?

420Lady NestlecockNo truly, sir.
        She’s slipped from me with her good uncle Strigood.

421MatchilThat thief has sold her then into some bawdyhouse.
        Was this your project for her education,
        To steal my child to make a whore of her?
        Are you turned lady-bawd now for your niece
        Because you have no daughter? O the devil!
        If there be law, I’ll trounce your Lady Hagship*.

422Lady NestlecockWhat, what? How now? Do you taunt me, sirrah, ha?

423MatchilI’ll make thee an example.

424Lady NestlecockThou hast made thyself an example, and the scorn of thine own child in marrying of thy drudge there; and that’s the cause of her running away, thou mayest think, because she hates to live where she must call her mother that was thy droil.

425RachelDroil, I think she said.

426MatchilSpeak to her, I charge thee on thy obedience to speak to her.

427RachelThe droil is now your brother’s wife, madam, and in that, setting your ladyship’s lavish tongue aside, as good a woman as yourself, none dispraised, ha.*

428MatchilWell said, Rachel; hold thine own, Rachel.*    [MATCHIL attempts to bid farewell to WHIMLBY]   *And so to you, Sir Swithen.

429Nehemiah   [NEHEMIAH attempts to get LADY NESTLECOCK to leave]   Mother, come away, mother.*

430Lady NestlecockBy and by, my boy.

431RachelDo you presume to call me drudge and droil, that am a lady’s sister every day in the week, and have been any time these three days, ha*?.

432BlithThat’s not every day in a whole week yet.

433Lady NestlecockThou shalt not dare to call me sister, hussy*.

434RachelCods so, and why, trow? Because a lady scorns to be a housewife, ha? If you be no housewife*, I scorn to call you sister, I, though my husband be your brother. From whence came you, trow, ha?*

435Lady NestlecockI know not what to say to the boldface.

436NehemiahPray, f’sooth, come away, I am afeared she’ll beat you.

437Lady NestlecockThanks, my good child, but do not be afraid, my lamb.

438RachelBoldface, ha! Her brother’s wife’s a boldface! But her face is not varnished over yet*, like his lady sister’s face, but it may be in time when she learns the trick on’t, and have as many flies upon’t, though not so troubled with ’em, as a bald mare at Midsummer*, ha.

439Lady NestlecockI know not what to say to her, she has charmed the virtue of my tongue.

440MatchilI never heard her speak so much in all her life, Sir Swithen, nor half so loud. Thank heaven, she has a voice yet on a good occasion. And so far I’ll maintain her in it. Nephew Nehemiah, when saw you your cousin Joyce?
[MATCHIL seizes NEHEMIAH]*

441NehemiahO Lud, O mother, f’sooth, look you, mine uncle holds me.
[NEHEMIAH attempts to hit MATCHIL]*

442MatchilAh, naughty man, did a so gi’ me a stroke, and I’ beat it, ha –

443Lady NestlecockYour wife has taught you to play the rude companion, has she? Pray take her home, sir, and let her discipline your own child if you have one, and let mine alone. You know the way you came, sir. Or if you have a mind to stay here, come sir Swithen, come away children; I hope I shall find some other room in my own house, free from your assaults; if not, I’m sure there’s law against riots. Come, Sir Swithen.

444MatchilNot yet, good Madam Nestlecock, you shall hear me.
        You have enticed away, then lost my daughter.
        And now y’are a juggling with your widow wit,
        And your small worm here, to catch up for gudgeons*
        Sir Swithen and his niece, I know your plot.
        She’s not fit match for you, Sir Swithen; and her son
        Much less for your fair niece. Come, dry your eyes,
        And look upon him, and not only look,
        But laugh at him, I charge you.

445BlithI could now for him, heartily.

446MatchilMark how his mother’s milk drops at his nose*, while I show you the mother and the child. He was her youngest son, and all that’s left of seven, and dreaming that he needs must prove a prophet, she has bred him up a fool.

447NehemiahF’sooth, mother, he mocks me, oh –   [NEHEMIAH begins weeping]   

448Lady NestlecockO profane wretch, worse than thy brother Strigood.
        Do not cry, Nehemiah, peace, good boy, peace. So, so.

449MatchilA tender mother I must say she has been.
        For till he was fifteen, none but herself
        Must look his head, or wash his pretty face
        For making of it cry. Laugh at her, good Sir Swithen.
        And before that, till he was twelve years old
        She would dance him on her knee, and play with’s cock*.

450WhimlbyAh ah ah ah. –

451MatchilSo well said, Sir Swithen.

452WhimlbyJust so, ifac, thy* mother would serve me, ha, ha.

453[Matchil]*Is not this better than whining?

454[Whimlby]*Yes, or perhaps than wiving either.

455Rachel   [Aside]   Do you say so?

456WhimlbyHa, ha.

457MatchilWell said, Sir Swithen, laugh on.   [Aside]   I hope I ha’ done a cure on him, by showing him a more ridiculous object than himself, to turn the tide of ’s tears.

458WhimlbyHa, ha.

459MatchilLaugh still, defy the fiends, women, and all their works.

460WhimlbyHa, ha, ha.

461[Matchil]* Let the dead go, and the quick care for themselves. You buried your wife, and cried; and I buried mine, and laugh. Which is the manlier passion?

462Rachel   [Aside]   He knows not that he is married again.

463WhimlbyYou are the merriest merchant, ha, ha, ha.
        I think I shall not marry again in haste, ha, ha.

464MatchilWell said, hold there. And for your niece,
        Let me alone, I’ll fit her with a match.
        I know a lad that’s worthy of her.

465WhimlbyHa, ha, ha–––.

466MatchilHe’ll laugh too much, I fear.

467RachelHe may at you,
        For your officiousness.

468MatchilHow’s that ?

469WhimlbyHa, ha–––

470RachelTo thrust yourself into unthankful offices,
        In things concern you not. Will you turn match-maker
        For others, unintreated? ’Tis enough
        For you, I hope, that you have matched yourself, ha!

471Matchil'Ha'? Do you 'ha'*, or talk to me?

472RachelWho else
        Should talk or give you counsel but your wife?

473Lady NestlecockWell said, Rachel, hold thine own, Rachel.

474MatchilI am matched again.

475WhimlbyHa, ha, ha.

476MatchilPax, cry again, or burst thyself with laughing.


478[Lady Nestlecock]*Laugh, son Nehemiah.

479NehemiahHa, ha, ha

480MatchilWhat am I? What do you make of me?

481Lady NestlecockNay, what ha’ you made yourself? Best ask the chimney piece* that you have married there.

482MatchilDurst thou advance a voice against me, ha?

483RachelYou did commend it in me against your sister
        And I may better be familiar with you.
        Ha, are you not my husband? I am sure
        ’Tis not so long since we were married that
        You can forget it, or repent so soon.
        I am not now your slave, to have my face
        Washed with your snuffs, nor to be kicked and trod on
        Without resistance, nor to make you answers
        Merely with silent curtsies, run when you bid go
        To fetch and carry like your spaniel*,
        In which condition I lived long enough,
        And was content until you freed me out on’t.
        Now free I am, and will be a free woman,
        As you are a freeman*, ha.

484WhimlbyHa, ha, ha.

485MatchilO base-born beggar.

486RachelYou wrong your wife in that.

487MatchilHow she holds up the wife.

488RachelI never begged
        Nor moved a lip to be your wife, not I.
        You held my service portion good enough,
        And for my blood, ’tis no more base than yours,
        Since both are mixed in marriage.

489MatchilCome your way.
        And let me hear you speak so much at home –

490RachelI hope I may be bolder in mine own house.
        So, madam, for the love I have found in yours
        You shall be welcome thither, when you’re sent for.

491Lady NestlecockWhat a bold piece of kitchen-stuff* is this ?
        Brother, you’re* match’t.

492WhimlbyAnd catch’t, ifac, ha*, ha, ha, ha.

493Lady NestlecockHe has not a word to speak.

494MatchilFollow me home and dar’st.Exit MATCHIL

495RachelYes, sir, I dare without more leave taking, ha.Exit RACHEL

496Lady NestlecockWas ever comb so cut*?

497WhimlbyHa, ha, ha, ha.

498NehemiahThere’s a new aunt indeed. She brought me nothing.

499WhimlbyI have not laughed so much I know not when.
        H’ has me laugh until I cry again.

500Lady NestlecockAgain, you are welcome, sir. Mistress Blith,
        Now the unwelcome guests are gone, let’s in
        And dine, then will we after meat–––

501WhimlbyOf jointures, madam, and of nuptials treat*.

502Lady NestlecockRight, sir.

503Blith   [Aside]   Love, as I shall adore thee for a deity,
        Rid me of this ridiculous society.[LADY NESTLECOCK, WHIMLBY,
NEHEMIAH and BLITH exit]
*

Edited by Michael Leslie