425LucklessWhat has she written here? It is the same hand I read in the morning.

I am not your counterfeit or unchaste Constance, but that only Constance, that truly love you; and that will, if you live not for me, die for you.

Oh, that I could at any price or penance now redeem one day! Never was hasty match sooner repented.

426Wigeon   [Aside to ANVIL]   He’s melancholy†gg583 a depressive illness, which in the seventeenth century was thought to be caused by an excess of ‘black bile’, one of the four humours controlling the well-being of the body and the mind , methinks. ’Slid, my sister may lie long enough languishing for a ladyship if this fit hold him; for she has it not really till he go to bed and dub†gs547 To award a knighthood, but with an additional sexual connotation in this context. her.

427AnvilWill not you go to bed, sir? We wait for your points†gg1722 tagged laces (used as ties on garments, often securing breeches to a doublet) *n1842 ‘Points’ or tagged laces from the bridegroom's clothes (usually fastening breeches to a doublet) were traditionally thrown to the wedding guests as souvenirs at early modern marriage ceremonies. Cf. Ben Jonson, The New Inn, 5.4.35 ‘Give us points, my lord.’ Anvil's meaning here is that everyone is anxious to see the culmination of the wedding ceremony when the bridegroom and bride retire to their bedroom to consummate the match. This follows on from Wigeon's anxiety that the marriage be consummated and his sister's status as wife of a titled gentleman confirmed in law. .

428LucklessI will. But is it time? Brother, would you would do me the favour to inquire?

429WigeonYes, I'll go see for the posset’s†gg1434 bedtime drink made from hot milk curdled with ale, wine, or other liquor, flavoured with sugar, herbs, and spices; such were used medicinally, but were also commonly prepared for bridegrooms, or served to the whole wedding party in the seventeenth century (the posset pot used for weddings was generally a large two-handled jug with a lid and a spout, which was passed among the guests to toast the bridal pair); the posset settled into three layers after preparation: the milky foam at the top, a custard in the middle, and the alcohol mostly at the bottom (hence the spout for accessing it), the rest of the posset could be eaten with a spoon (several photographs of English posset pots are available on the internet) sake.—[WIGEON] ex[its].

430LucklessCaptain, deal fairly with me. By what means joined you with this society*n4356 i.e. the group of masquers who appeared at Sir Philip Luckless's house in Act 2. ? Or how grew so soon your trust or great acquaintance with them?

431AnvilWithout offence, I’ll tell you. You know this morning at your lodging, there passed some words betwixt me and your sullen kinsman, Master — indeed la — Triedwell? And from him too much indeed for me, a professed soldier, to bear; but the place protected him. Till after, upon mature consideration, I made after him for satisfaction, thus armed as you see.   [Brandishes rope and sword.]   Purposing with this rope's end to right me, and to maintain that right with this sword, which I thank Mars never yet failed me*n1843 Mars was traditionally regarded as the god of war, hence he is the site of Anvil's appeal in this context. ; as it hath well been manifested by the effusion of much unworthy blood of my abusers, in France, Spain, Italy, Poland, Sweden, Hungary, all parts of Germany.

432LucklessGood Captain, travel not so far in your relation, but come home again to the business.

433AnvilI have used it in some score or two of sea fights too, by the way.

434LucklessBut to the matter, Captain; where met you my cousin?

435AnvilThe first sight I recovered of him was as he was entering the house of the greasy†gg1723 used as a contemptuous epithet (OED) knight there; what call you him?

436LucklessSir Paul Squelch?

437AnvilSquelch, aye, a pox squelch him; I waited a quarter of an hour at his door for your kinsman; and longer I would not, had he been kinsman to the emperor, and my enemy. Therefore in I went, told Master Triedwell in his ear my coming was to call him forth, to discharge the office of a gentleman with his sword in answering those wrongs wherewith I held my reputation wounded. Was it not well, ha? Could a poor gentleman say more? And that in civil fashion very privately in respect of the company, not showing any the least distemper, in look or gesture. But the women read presently in his countenance the whole matter, and briefly by their pretty persuasion I took ordinary satisfaction of him.

438LucklessWhat was that, Captain?

439AnvilWhy he confessed he wronged me, was sorry for’t, and so forth.*n1844 The audience is of course in the know that this is the opposite of what happened between Anvil and Triedwell and can enjoy his outrageous claims here for what they are. What should we speak more on’t? This you must not speak of neither. You must promise me that o’your honour, as you desire to hear what follows. I love no ripping up old sores.

440LucklessNot a word I, Captain, upon my word.   [Aside]   What a rascal’s this!   [To ANVIL]   To the point, good captain.

441AnvilThen, thus, sir; I soon perceived their drift to appease and win me to their friendship was for my assistance, and indeed to bear them out in this night’s work, the masque. The whole plot of all which was merely to sow dissension between you and your new married lady; to work if they can a separation before carnal copulation*n4357 It was deemed possible in law to annul a marriage if it could be proven that the match had not been sexually consummated. It is on this legal point that Morose's divorce from Epicoene takes place in Ben Jonson's 1609 Epicoene. , in which, if they can prevail, and that the dislike continue between you to that height, that a divorce be required equally by the consent of you both, your marriage then is frustrated, and you stand in statu quo prius*n4358 That is: in your earlier or former (unwedded) state(Latin). , d'ye hear? So your cousin Triedwell may lawfully pursue his hopes in your bride, who he loves as eagerly as the melancholy†gg583 a depressive illness, which in the seventeenth century was thought to be caused by an excess of ‘black bile’, one of the four humours controlling the well-being of the body and the mind virgin dotes on you.

442LucklessBut may this hold good in law, Captain?

443AnvilThere’s a canon†gg423 law, rule, edict (OED 2a) *n2237 Compare the recourse to ecclesiastical law on marriage in Jonson’s Epicoene, 4.4.142-3: ‘Some divine must resolve you in that, sir, or canon lawyer.&8217; for it, sir, if both parties agree to a divorce after marriage, so it be before copulation.*n4278 Compare the divorce plotline in Ben Jonson's Epicoene,

444LucklessThough the former part of his discourse was a most egregious lie, yet the last hath some sound of pleasure in it, which I may make use of.

445TriedwellCome, give me the instrument. Shall I never find thee anywhere but thou wilt by just desert exact a beating from me? Hast thou no conscience? Wouldst thou have me lame myself or melt my grease upon thee? Come, sir, I have overheard you all; give me the instrument. The instrument, I say. Indeed I’ll have it. So. Now, sir—[Lunges at ANVIL and seizes the rope from him.]

446LucklessNay, cousin, for the service he hath done you tonight, and love of me, pardon him this time. Besides, his charge is in the house at whose charge he lives*n1845 i.e. Wigeon, Anvil's ‘charge’ in respect that he is his tutor, but also the person who he lives at the expense or ‘charge’ of. . You will both shame and undo him.

447TriedwellWell, sir, I shall for this time pardon you and never beat you more, if before Sir Philip here you will subscribe to this   [Hands him a document and a pen]:    ’Tis nothing but a faithful protestation to do reasonable things as I shall appoint, and not to reveal what I shall trust you withall.

448AnvilIf you will covenant†gg1724 formally contract on your part, in defence of my reputation, to let me rail at you behind your back, I will subscribe.

450AnvilHere, sir, I deliver it as my deed.[Hands him back the signed document]

451TriedwellHere, and I deliver you this again to keep.   [Hands him back the rope]   Indeed you shall for performance of covenants†gg1724 formally contract .

452WigeonOh, sir, you are defeated! My sister hath fortified her lodging with locks, bolts, bars, and barricados†gg1725 a hastily formed rampart of barrels, wagons, timber, stones, household furniture or other materials readily available thrown up to obstruct the advance of an enemy; used figuratively to refer to any barrier or obstruction to passage .

453LucklessTo what end, brother? For what cause?

454AnvilI know not whither it be discontent or wilfulness that possesses her; but you are to have no entrance there tonight. That she has sufficiently sworn.

455Triedwell   [Aside]   Good.

456LucklessHow am I denied to my wish?

457Triedwell   [To LUCKLESS]   Pray let me speak with you, sir.

458LucklessAt large you shall; for though it be my wedding night, you shall be my bedfellow*n4279 It was not uncommon for men to share a bed in a non-sexual context in this period. Compare Iago and Cassio in Othello and see Wigeon's reference later in the scene inviting Anvil to 'lie with me'. . Lights there.   [To WIGEON]   Goodnight, brother.[LUCKLESS] exit[s].

459Triedwell   [To ANVIL]   Goodnight, Captain.[TRIEDWELL] exit[s].

460WigeonHow now, governor? What has angered thee? Something troubles thy countenance.

461AnvilYour coming and the privilege of this place hath once more preserved that unworthy Triedwell from the justice of my fury, which should have fallen on him had he been twinned with me by this light.

462WigeonBy this light, governor? Would you have fought by candlelight?

463AnvilSir, I dare do it by daylight, moonlight, starlight —

464WigeonOwl-light?

465AnvilAny light under the sun. And that shall be tried well on Triedwell's head, d'ye hear?

466Wigeon   [Aside]   A good jest! Tried well upon Triedwell! He has wit in his anger.   [To ANVIL]   But, governor, laying your anger aside, let me be beholden to your wit in achieving this northern lass. Thy acquaintance with her must be the means. Prithee go lie with me*n4279 It was not uncommon for men to share a bed in a non-sexual context in this period. Compare Iago and Cassio in Othello and see Wigeon's reference later in the scene inviting Anvil to 'lie with me'. , and help me to dream out some course. Nay, look now thy fury blows so high, thou dost not hear me.

467AnvilNot hear? Yes, were I in a combat as great as ever I myself fought any, I could both hear and give counsel. Therefore say unto yourself, by the help of your governor, she is your own.

468WigeonO man past example!

469AnvilBut, d'ye hear?

470WigeonHere, here, thou shalt have anything—.Gives him money.[WIGEON and ANVIL exit.]*n4294 Exeunt in Q.

471Squelch   [Dragging CONSTANCE along with him]   Come your ways, huswife†gg1940 a pejorative term for a hussy or worthless woman (OED housewife n. 2) , no more of your whinings, and counterfeit tricks.   [Gestures at NONSENSE]   If this gentleman be not worthy of your love, I am not worthy to be your uncle directly.

472TrainwellAlas, what mean you, sir?

473SquelchAccept of him*n4359 i.e. agree to marry Nonsense, the husband that Squelch has chosen for his niece. , you accept of me. If you refuse him, you deny me directly.

474TrainwellShe understands you not a word, sir.

475SquelchIf you will join hands and faith with him, here’s your portion†gg1143 dowry (monies, goods or lands brought by the wife to augment her husband’s estate on their marriage) , there’s your jointure†gg1144 marriage settlement (usually the part of a husband’s wealth or property that he elected to assign to his wife in the event of his death) ; if not, your way lies before you: pack directly.

476TrainwellGood sir, consider her disease*n4360 Trainwell refers to Constance's melancholia, held by many at this time to be a medical condition requiring curative treatment. . If her understanding were direct, you might speak directly to her. But if I have any discretion, she is too full of melancholy†gg583 a depressive illness, which in the seventeenth century was thought to be caused by an excess of ‘black bile’, one of the four humours controlling the well-being of the body and the mind to be purged*n4280 An excess of a humour, such as the melancholy Constance is said to be suffering from, was often treated by purging. this way.

477SquelchWhat would you have me do? Or how in your discretion would you counsel me?

478TrainwellNot to be mad, sir, because she is melancholy. Not by taking a wrong course for her recovery to ruin her, and forfeit your judgment. Do you think that commands with chidings, threats or stripes, have power to work upon her, when she has neither will nor reason within herself to do, or not to do anything whatsoever?

479SquelchNow the gig’s up!*n1847 A gig was a small carriage so the meaning here appears to be that Trainwell is now up and running in terms of her involvement in the argument with Sir Paul.

480TrainwellIf her health in sense and understanding were perfect, yet, as she is woman, her will†gg1970 in an early modern context: desire, longing, liking, inclination were first to be wrought upon by fair and gentle treaty. But as she is at this time so sick in mind, that knowledge of what she is, what she does, especially of what she should do, is dead in her, her mind must be first recovered. And that by a due course in soft and temperate proceedings, to which fit time, as well as means, must be allowed. Moreover —.

481SquelchOh, no moreovers I beseech you, nor more of her*n4361 A fairly clunky pun on 'moreover' occurs in the latter part of this statement. at this time. I understand your purpose already; I do, directly. Therefore, speedily take what course and use what means shall in your discretion be thought fit. I will subscribe; I will directly subscribe to your discretion.   [Aside]    My wife, when she went out of the world, left me as great a curse behind her in the charge she gave me with this woman*n1848 This is an interesting little insight into the characters’ back-history. Sir Paul is a widow and Trainwell clearly worked as chambermaid to his late wife. When she died, Trainwell was effectively bequeathed to Sir Paul. This long knowledge of each other in part explains the intimacy between them that Sir Paul’s subsequent consideration of marriage to her implies. , this quick-sighted guide of my house; a blind one were better.

482TrainwellYou should first see, if it pleased you, how her affection may be wrought upon by the gentleman’s own fair entreaty.   [To NONSENSE]   Pray, sir, speak to her like a suitor.   [To CONSTANCE]   Look upon him sweetheart; this gentleman loves you.   [To NONSENSE]   Pray speak, sir; do you not?

483NonsenseNever credit me, pretty gentlewoman—

484ConstanceNor will I, fear it not; nor any man that says he loves me. For, alas, I was too lately scorned.

485NonsenseYou are a lass, indeed, I protest and vow; and such a one, as I would be very sorry to appear any way … or in the least degree … as it were please you to understand me … for I’ll be sworn there is not in the world —

486ConstanceTruth in swearing, less in promising.

487NonsenseIf you will believe me, lady —

488ConstanceNor ne man for your sake.

489NonsenseThere is not in the world, I say —

490ConstanceI say so too, sir. What was’t I pray?

491NonsenseThere is not in the world any gentlewoman —

492ConstanceTell that no further, for we are all too gentle lessen men were less cruel.

493TrainwellHear him speak, Constance!

494ConstanceYou shall hear me sing first, by your leave.

495Trainwell   [Aside]   Poor heart.

496SquelchHere’s wise work! Direct lunacy and idiotism. Bless my house from the Ward Master’s informers*n1849 The Ward Master was a superintendent of Bethlehem Hospital (or 'Bedlam') where the supposedly insane were incarcerated. It was common practice to inform on suspected cases of insanity to the Ward Master (Fried). .

497Constance   [To NONSENSE]   Pray sir, are you Sir Philip?

498Trainwell   [To NONSENSE]   Say you are.

499NonsenseYes, lady, I am Sir Philip*n1850 The action here, where Nonsense is encoruaged to assume the persona of Sir Philip, the object of Constance's affection and distress, directly mimics that of Shakespeare and Fletcher’s The Two Noble Kinsmen, where in 5.2 the Wooer woos the distracted Jailer's daughter in the guise of Palamon. —

500ConstanceBut you are none of my sparrow*n1851 A common popular name for someone called Philip; see Sir Philip Sidney's Astrophil and Stella sonnet sequence where he puns on his own nickname as the sparrow. . Your mouth’s not wide enough for your words.

501Trainwell   [Aside]   She has stopped his mouth there.

O wea is me!*n4281 woe is me (Northern dialect form).

503TrainwellNay, you must not weep, sweetheart.

504ConstanceWhat mun I do than? Shall I ever get him by singing trow ye? In troth I would never but sing if I thought that were the gainest†gg1727 easiest (dialect) way.

505TrainwellI had rather hear you sing though, than see you weep.

506ConstanceIt must be of my love, then, my sparrow, as I told you. And thus it goes.

No, no, you cannot be the man. I know him right weell by you sir, as wily as you be. Gin†gg1613 if, whether (OED, conj.; Scottish and dialect term; and records 1674 as its earliest example but this is clearly the sense here in Brome's usage) you had all his trim†gg990 fine, neat, smart (clever) gear†gg476 apparel, clothing (OED I, 1a) upon you, and all his sweets about you, yet I should not be so fond to mistake a Jenny Howlet†gg1730 a popular name for a small owl (or howlet, or owlet) for a Tassel Gentle†gg1731 male falcon (tassel is an obsolete form of 'tercel') . Ah, ah, ha.

507TrainwellWhy, love, what fault do you find in this gentleman?

508ConstanceFeath, but eene eane†gg1732 only one (dialect) : that he is not Sir Philip. For thus would he do: thus would he kiss his hand; and thus take me by mine.*n4515 There seems in this a memory of the references to hands and hand-kissing that played such a central part in Constance's memory of her first encounter with Sir Philip, as she recalled it to Trainwell at 2.2. of the play [NOTE n4342]. Thus would he look, and set his eye on mine; and give me leave to see my self in’s eyen. ’Twas the best glass in troth that e’er I saw; I ne’er look weell fine, nor e’r shall I’m sure, until I see me there again.

God you good even, sir.—*n4282 Goodbye. The line is a deliberate echo of Ophelia's mad scene in Hamlet. [CONSTANCE] exit[s].

509Trainwell   [To NONSENSE]   Follow her, sir.

510SquelchAnd put her to’t*n1856 force her (Fried). sir, and out of this humour*n1854 Melancholy was believed to be a product of an imbalance of black bile in human physiognomy, one of the four 'humours' of popular medical belief. The representation of these 'humours' had become popular on the early modern stage in the early comedies of Ben Jonson. . I’ll add the tother five hundred to her portion†gg1143 dowry (monies, goods or lands brought by the wife to augment her husband’s estate on their marriage) and you bring her about*n1857 restore her to her right mind handsomely†gg61 courteously (OED 5a); liberally (5b); cleverly, skilfully . Oh, when I was a batchelor! — I think I can do somewhat yet in my old days — but when I was a bachelor how I could have handled this gear†gg2999 goods, merchandise, stuff (but in a depreciatory sense, meaning rubbish) but also in slang at this date may punningly refer to the sexual organs, much like the twenty-first century use of the word, tackle (OED gear n, 9a, 10 and 5b) .

511NonsenseNever credit me, sir, if you will believe me, but —

512SquelchI do believe you, sir, sufficiently. Good Master Nonsense, no more of your impertinent speeches, but follow her and put her to’t I say, to’t directly! Take her into the orchard. ’Twas there she fell in love they say; it may be the place is ominous.NONSENSE ex[its].

513TrainwellSir, there will be no way for her recovery, but to remove her lodging*n4283 i.e. move her from where she is currently staying and have some good physicians about her.

514SquelchWhere you please, and use whose help you please. She is your own; dispose of her freely, as I will of what is mine. I’ll take a new course of life directly. Let me see: she is lost, past recovery. Say I should marry, I might yet have an heir of mine own.

515TrainwellYes, but of whose getting, sir?

516SquelchThere might rise a fearful question.

517TrainwellThink not of it, sir. A man of your years and gravity, with the respect the world gives you for your place and worship in the commonwealth, together with the riches you have piled up in a mountainous estate. To cast all down with your self and fortune at the foot of a stranger! Think what would be thought of you if such a dotage should possess you.

518Squelch   [Aside]   She’s falling into a tedious lecture.

519TrainwellPray how was Master Spartledirt talked on t’other day for doing such a trick? Yet he was held a wise lawyer. You see a fair example in the late marriage of Sir Philip Luckless and his Fitchow — a match of your own making and cause of your niece’s, and your own, misfortune.

520SquelchNo more, I beseech you.

521TrainwellThere’s tugging for a mastery and buffetting for the breeches. He barks at her, she snaps at him; she breaks his wine-glass, he her looking-glass; she puts away his servants, he turns away hers; she locks her chamber-door, he bolts his, begetting nothing but a world of strife and disorder.

522SquelchI pray, shut up that point. I will not marry. No, directly, I will not; though the truth is my purpose was to have cast my self and fortune wholly upon you, if it might have seem’d well in your discretion; umh umh. —

523TrainwellI pray stay a little, sir, take me along with you*n1858 inform me of your meaning .

524SquelchNot a step further;   [Gestures to her to leave the room]   this way, by your leave.   [Aside]   I think I have puzzled her discretion.

525TrainwellUnderstand me, sir. As I would not have you fall rashly upon anything, no more would I have you fly suddenly from any purpose, without advice and sober deliberation. If you should marry one that would be a comfortable nurse unto you, as (though I say’t) you partly know—

526SquelchSay you nothing, for I do know nothing, nor I will know nothing more of this matter directly. For if ever I marry, let me suffer all that the law provides for perjury*n1726 Compare Benedick's declaration against his marrying in Much Ado About Nothing, 1.1.245-50. ; let me be cropped and slit*n1727 The reference is to the common punishment for those convicted of libel, slander, and blasphemy, which was the cropping of the ears and the slitting of the nose, usually carried out in public. It was, famously, the punishment endured twice by the puritan pamphleteer William Prynne in the 1630s; see McRae (2006), pp. 171-88. worse than a french curtal†gg1511 horse with a docked or cropped tail; but also therefore used figuratively of someone whose ears had been cropped as a form of official punishment or a parliamentaldelinquent†gg687 offender for blaspheming the blood royal†gg1512 royal race or family . No, I will now bestow my wealth in monumental good deeds and charitable uses in my lifetime, to be talked well on when I am dead.*n1728 Compare Subtle's account of the plans Sir Epicure Mammon has for how he will spend the exorbitant wealth he expects to acquire from the secrets of alchemy in Ben Jonson's The Alchemist, 1.1.17-29.

527TrainwellYes, build almshouses and hospitals for beggars and provide in Bridewell*n11655 A former palace on the west side of the Fleet Ditch near the River Thames, originally bequested by Edward IV as a workhouse for the poor, it was by the Caroline period a prison for women and with a particular association with punishment relating to sex crimes and prostitution. and houses of correction for your friends and kindred. Pray give enough to Bedlam*n218 Bethlehem Hospital, London, formerly the Priory of St. Mary of Bethlehem. After 1402 it became where the mentally infirm were placed. you may feel some part of that benefit yourself before you die if these fits hold you.

528Squelch   [Aside]   She would have do me no good with that I have neither.   [To TRAINWELL]   Let me consider, the most I have to say directly hath not been very well gotten. Were it not a point of good conscience to spend that prodigally and save a lewd heir the sin? And that which I have got well and honestly hath been with much care and travel*n4285 Brome frequently uses this word in a punning sense to suggest travail or hardship. ; were it not then a point of equity to myself to spend that with ease and pleasure? ’Tis done directly: what I have is mine own and I will be merry with it*n1860 This rapidly becomes Sir Paul's second catchphrase in the play. .   [Calls offstage to CLERK]   Within there, ho?

529TrainwellWhat’s the toy†gg1976 trick (OED n. 2) now?

530SquelchSirrah, take there twenty pieces.   [Hands CLERK money]   Bestow it all presently in choicest meats and richest wines for my supper, this one night’s supper directly. What I have is mine own and I will be merry with it.

531Trainwell [and] ClerkBless us!

532SquelchSix brace of partridges and six pheasants in a dish. Godwits, knots, quails,*n1861 All marsh, coastal, or wetland birds which were commonly used in early modern recipes. and the rest of the meats answerable for half a score*n1862 a sum equal to ten (Fried). or a dozen persons of the best quality, whom I will think of presently.

533Clerk   [Aside]   Brain of a downright justice! What means my master to leap out of thirty shillings a week housekeeping into twenty pounds a supper? I may sell my clerk’s place, for sure he means to thrust himself out of the commission*n1863 to get himself removed from the Commission of the Peace which appointed and empowered justices of the peace. . He can be no justice long, if this humour hold.   [To SQUELCH]   Who shall be the guests, troth?

534SquelchI have it directly. You shall go to the ordinaries†gg1733 dining places, much favoured by city gallants, who also used the rooms for gambling and other nefarious activities (Caroline dramatist William Cartwright wrote a play called The Ordinary) and from thence invite such young gallants as you find to be gamesters — I mean of the highest cut†gg1977 fashion (OED n2. III 17a) .

535TrainwellMen that you do not know, sir?

536SquelchAye, directly. If they know me, or have heard of me, ’tis sufficient; we shall be soon acquainted. Bring not a man with any paid for gold lace or scarlet*n4286 Expensive items of clothing (such as gold lace) were regularly hired or rented in this period. about him, I charge you, nor without a protection†gg1734 a passport or document of safe conduct, traditionally issued by a monarch in his pocket.[CLERK exits.]

537TrainwellYou run a great hazard in this, sir. You may perhaps be cheated of all you have, if I have any discretion.

538SquelchAnd much good do’t their good hearts. What I have is mine own, and I will be merry with it directly. You have put me by one or two courses, but not all your discretion shall beat me out of this. If you take some care in the business and housewife the entertainment to make it brave†gg343 splendid for my credit, you may get a gown or a jewel by it. If not —

539TrainwellSir, I’ll obey you.   [Aside]   If he be mad, I will not be foolish but strike in for a share.   [To SQUELCH]   And for your guests, sir, let me alone; my man is best acquainted at the ordinaries.*n1729 Her implication is that Beavis hangs out in taverns when not working.

540SquelchWhy, now you speak!

541Trainwell   [Calling offstage to BEAVIS]   Within there, Beavis?   [To SQUELCH]   But in troth, sir, I doubt whether any such guests will come; you have always been so strict and terrible in your justiciary courses.

542SquelchLet him say mine eyes are opened and their virtue is revealed unto me. And if any of the youngsters have mistresses, let ’em bring ’em. They shall have music; what I have is mine own and I will be merry with it. My flesh, though not in the way of marriage, requires some satisfaction too. Where might a man in all this plentiful town find a choice piece†gg508 a woman, usually with the connotation of being a sexual object (OED II 9b) directly that he might make his own, only his own? A very hard question and custom has made it almost an unreasonable one, though it were in one’s own wife. In a citizen’s or tradesman’s wife a man must suffer the rivalship of a slovenly husband, the stink of his horns*n1864 i.e. the horns of a cuckold (a husband whose wife has been sleeping around) ever under one’s nose. A cast†gs209 rejected (here used of a person) lady or gentlewoman of courtly acquaintance? To maintain her is to feed a fountain that wants itself through many spouts. What I supply her with will be drawn out by twenty; all her friends must share of my prodigality. To train up an innocent country girl is like hatching a cuckoo*n1865 The cuckoo tends to lay its eggs in the nests of other, smaller birds (which means the parents often exhaust themselves and starve their own young to feed their unexpected charge). ; as soon as she is ripe and sees the world afore her, she flies at her advantage and leaves me dead i’ the nest. How now?

543ClerkSir, here’s a delinquent†gg687 offender brought before your worship to be examined, a gentlewoman, sir.

544SquelchWho brings her?

545ClerkVexhem the constable, sir.

546SquelchLook on his feet; sure ’tis the devil in his likeness. That old bawd knowing how it stood with me has brought me one of his succubae†gg1978 devilish (a succubus was a devil or spirit, often in female form) art. Sure ’tis Vexhem?

547ClerkSure, sir? The devil himself knows him not better than I know him from the devil. I am sure he has been in fee†gg1735 in league with me these nine years, almost ever since he was constable and has brought more profit to my desk than all the honest officers in the counties of your commission*n1866 This casual reference to the corruption endemic in local government is typical of the satire on JPs and their commissions in Brome's drama. Compare, for example, the role of Justice Clack in A Jovial Crew. Local government was also examined in Ben Jonson's Caroline drama, A Tale of a Tub (see Butler, 1992; Sanders, 1997). , sir. Oh, he’s a rare fellow; he’ll tickle a whore in coney*n1867 The sense is slightly obscure, but presumably he'll do deals with prostitutes dressed in furs (that is to say those who can cut a financial deal with him). .

548SquelchYou know my mind. I will in and handle this gear in privity†gg1736 secret, privacy .[CLERK and SQUELCH exit.]

549Trainwell   [Aside to BEAVIS]   Beavis, you understand me; prithee go discreetly about it.

550BeavisPray, let me see a little of this first.

551NonsenseIf I put her to’t or ever offer to put any woman to’t again, never credit me, let me never be trusted. I protest and vow, gentlewoman, she has used me —

552TrainwellVery ill favouredly, methinks.

553BeavisHa’ you put her to’t*n1856 force her (Fried). , sir?

554NonsenseI cannot put her to’t*n1856 force her (Fried). , nor she will not be put to’t.*n1730 Sing in righthand margin (Q).

But you are not he, sir. If you be, you are wondrously changed. I am sure his faults were not written on his forehead*n1869 Constance has, we learn, hit out at Nonsense, so presumably his forehead bears the red marks of her blows and therefore betray his advances to her to the world. . God pardon him.

556NonsenseIf mine be, you can best read ’em; ’tis your own handwriting*n1870 i.e the marks on my forehead were made by your hands. .

557Beavis   [Aside]   She has done a cure on him, he spoke sense now.   [To NONSENSE]   Alas, sir, that a fair hand should make such blots ! What hand is it? Secretary, roman, court, or text?*n1871 These are all types of handwriting common to the early modern period. The joke continues the notion of Constance's blows acting as handwriting on Nonsense's forehead.    [To TRAINWELL]   I have not seen the like; ’tis all dominical letters, red ink*n1872 Dominical letters were calendar letters, usually in red, used to denote Sundays (hence the modern phrase for holidays as 'red-letter days'). The joke continues the interpretation of the red marks on Nonsense's head caused by Constance's blows as 'handwriting'. . His face is like an almanac of all holy days.

558TrainwellSure ’tis stenography†gg1737 the art of writing in shorthand ; every character a word, and here and there one for a whole sentence.

559BeavisHere’s one might serve for a whole history. The Life and Death of Raw-head and Bloody-Bones*n1873 An invented ballad. Ballads and broadsides of this kind celebrating the lives of violent highwaymen and sea pirates were very popular at this time. .

560NonsenseI see I am not such an ass. I would I might never stir but I am — Where’s Sir Paul? If I do not tell him—

561TrainwellWhat did you to provoke her thus?

562NonsenseNothing but what I can and were in a sort do you see me as well as— never gi’ me credit. I had warrant under his hand.

563BeavisHow, sir?

564NonsenseBy word of mouth, sir.

565BeavisThat’s above hand, by your leave.

566TrainwellIs it so? Good sir, his meaning was you should put her fairly on like a lover, with sweet speeches and gentle behaviour*n1874 Though this is actually an over-generous reading of Sir Paul's instruction to Nonsense to 'put her to't'. .

567NonsenseShe understands nothing that I can speak.

568Beavis   [Aside]   Nor anybody else, I think.

569TrainwellAnd therefore you fell to express yourself in rude action? She has served you but well. You are a fine putter to’t, indeed.

Just so did our dairy maid at home serve my Lady Fiddledee’s butler, and there I learnt it. But when she had so done, what did she then do? Bestowed a pennyworth of unguentum album†gg1738 white salve or ointment and it made him whole presently. Good Mistress Trainwell, send to your ’pothecary for some, ’twill make him weell e’en now.

571TrainwellAye, sweetheart; but first you shall go in the coach with me to the doctor’s.

572ConstanceI know I am not well too. But I’ll have no doctor but Sir Philip.

573TrainwellIt shall be Sir Philip.   [Aside]   Poor soul. All must be Sir Philip.   [To CONSTANCE]   You shall lie at his house.

574ConstanceBut not with him, by my faith, and your leave, in’t we be married. Prithee Beavis, gar him†gg1739 get him to (dialect) wash his face, he’ll scare somebody’s barns†gg1740 children or young ones; see also 'bairns' (Northern dialect) else. — TRAINWELL and CONSTANCE exit.*n1875 Ex. with Tra. (Q). .

575Beavis   [Aside]   I’ll throw him into the dock rather than he shall succeed, Jack o’ Dandy†gg1741 conceited fellow: a contemptuous name for a fop or a dandy (OED) .   [To NONSENSE]   Come, sir, all shall be well again. Fear not.

576NonsenseI thank you, sir.[BEAVIS and NONSENSE exit.]

577LucklessCousin, I understand you at full, and am glad that occasion hath pointed out a probability to lead me out of this labyrinth and you to your desired end.

578TriedwellFollow but the way you are in, sir, and you shall arrive at your own wishes.

579LucklessShe has put me into’t herself too.

580TriedwellBy sequestring herself from you the first night.

581Luc.For which, cousin, if I take not occasion to keep myself from her, all nights, days, and times hereafter, may the act of our bodies beget prodigious monsters and nothing else.

582TriedwellA fearful vow! Look to it, and I warrant she sues for the divorce first.

583LucklessMay we prove but as certain as you are confident in our other project for recalling Constance to herself, and me then to her, these fetters being shaken off, may they prove golden ones to you. I shall not envy you.

584TriedwellFor her take no thought, sir. The interest I have in her tutress*n1876 The reference is to Trainwell, Constance's governess. , with the work I have fashioned upon my Anvil shall bring all to your wish. I expect to hear from him instantly.

585LucklessI’ll freely resign your wish to you and add half I have to augment her estate to you. Oh, I tremble to think on her. Her presence shakes the house like an earthquake. The outrage of ’prentices*n1877 Apprentices in London were renowned for their violent behaviour especially on public holidays. is not so terrible to a bawd or a cutpurse*n4277 Compare the Induction to Jonson's Bartholomew Fair, lines 31-3 where reference is made to young Inns of Court men tormenting prostitutes: 'a punk set unnder upon her head, with her stern upward, and ha' been soused by my witty young masters o' the Inns o' Court?'. as her voice is to me. Yet to you she may be calm as the breath of friendship and mild as the midnight whispers of chaste love.

586TriedwellSir, I profess my affection flies eagerly at her; she takes me deeply, however you have mistaken one another. Oh, here comes my Anvil! Methinks his very countenance invites me to strike him, though I know he does me good service now.

587Anvil’Tis done, sir. I warrant she’s placed, successfully*n1878 The reference, as will become clear, is to Constance [Camitha] Holdup, who has been sent before Sir Paul Squelch in his capacity as a Justice of the Peace. Thankfully for the audience, Sir Philip Luckless is as clueless as we are about the plot at this stage and so asks his interlocuters for an explanation. , d‘ye hear?

588TriedwellHow, prithee?

589AnvilI have sent her before his worship by a constable.

590LucklessWho has he sent? Before whose worship?

591TriedwellYou shall know all. He has sent your cast†gs209 rejected (here used of a person) whore before Sir Paul.

592LucklessThe mystery, gentlemen?

593TriedwellThe success shall unfold it in good time to your and my benefit. Doubt not, if she but follow her instructions.

594LucklessNay, if she be not mistress of her art there is no deceit among tradesmen, no bribery among officers, no bankrupt out of Ludgate*n1879 Originally one of the old gateways to London. Ludgate was made a debtors' prison during the reign of Richard II. , nor whore out of Bridewell*n11655 A former palace on the west side of the Fleet Ditch near the River Thames, originally bequested by Edward IV as a workhouse for the poor, it was by the Caroline period a prison for women and with a particular association with punishment relating to sex crimes and prostitution. .

595AnvilAnd if I ha’ not fitted her with a second, my friend Vexhem the constable, then say there is no wit among knaves, no want among scholars, no rest in the grave, nor unquietness in marriage, d’ye hear?

596LucklessOf which here comes the truest testimony.

597Fitchow   [Screaming at PATE]   Out of my doors, thou miscreant!

598Wigeon.Nay, sister. Oh, governor, art here?

599Fitchow   [To PATE]   Avoid my house and that presently. I’ll claw your skin off after your livery else and make you so much nakeder than time makes all other serving creatures.

600LucklessDo you talk of turning away my man? You shall give me leave to turn away your Howdee first, and then put off my ‘God a mercy, how dost thou?’

601FitchowAm I jeered†gg724 mocked ? Flouted to my face? Is this fit usage for a wife?

602LucklessA wife? A witch!

603FitchowA husband? A hangman!

604LucklessOut, Puss!*n1880 term of contempt for a woman.

605TriedwellNay, sir, indeed the fault is yours most extremely now. Pray, sir, forbear to strain beyond a woman’s patience.

606FitchowAm I scorned and reviled?

607LucklessA ha, ha.

608FitchowMade a property for laughter?

609LucklessA ah, ha.

610FitchowHave I no friend? No servant to command?

611LucklessAh, ah, ha.

612FitchowHas my ladyship made me so lamentable a thing that I have lost the power of a mistress?   [To HOWDEE]   You, sir, run and call some friends to succour me or I’ll thrattle*n4290 i.e. throttle you.

613Luckless   [To HOWDEE]   Stir but a foot, sirrah, or utter but a syllable and I’ll cut your thrattle-pipe.

614Howdee   [Aside]   I shall be carved out betwixt them.

615Fitchow   [To WIGEON]   What will become of me? You woodcock*n1881! Ninnihammer*n1882 A simpleton. .

616WigeonHave you forgot my name, sister? Would not Wigeon become your mouth as well? Forget your natural brother’s name?

617FitchowCan you call me sister and see me abused thus?

618WigeonFoutre†gg1742 to care not a fouter (jot) for for sisters; I am not to meddle with another man’s wife. I am about one for myself; you mentioned her first to me. But I must be beholden to others’ wits and means to compass her or else.

619Luckless   [To HOWDEE]   Do as I bid you, or —

620HowdeeOh, sir, she’ll rend me in pieces, tear me like a lark*n4291 Larks were a common foodstuff in the early modern period and their small carcasses were easily torn by hand. .

621LucklessDost thou fear her or me? Do’t or I—

622HowdeeSir, there’s Master Walter can sing it rarely.

623LucklessSo he shall, sir, and so will all. But you must put us in*n4292 start us off, get us in tune . Begin.

625WidgeonSister, wife, and all, is a present nothing to this. Come round, gentlemen. Keep her but off and let me alone.

628BulfinchI cry you mercy, gallants. I apprehend*n4293 Bulfinch's use of this term is a character trait that defines him throughout this play. He often uses it to mean 'understand' though in his role as a Justice of the Peace it could also mean to arrest someone. The further irony is that Bulfinch rarely does fully apprehend the situation he is in, a fact brought cruelly and comically to light in the fifth act mock-trial scene. you would be private.

629LucklessOh no, Master Bulfinch, you shall make one of our council.

630BulfinchI apprehend, gentlemen, you are merrily disposed in good sadness.

631WigeonApprehend a fool’s head! Come into play.

632AllAy, ay in with him, and about again.

635FitchowOh, scorn upon scorn, torment upon torment. Let me rather be buried alive than bear this.   She gets loose.   Slaves, rascals, get ye all out of my doors! By virtue of my nails I charge you. I’ll not leave an eye or a nose amongst you.

636Howdee, Wigeon, Bulfinch, [and] AnvilO Lord, O Lord!

637LucklessCome bouncing after*n1886 Fried speculates that this could also be a line from a ballad or from a children's game (the scene's use of song as a means of the performance of highly gendered acts of social inclusion and exclusion has much kinship with the potential cruelties of children's games). , my boys.LUCKLESS exits singing.

638FitchowOh, how am I wronged?All exit, [except*n1733 proeter (Q) ] FITCHOW, TRIEDWELL [and] BULFINCH.

639BulfinchSure I did apprehend this mirth as right as could be possible the wrong way.

640TriedwellMadam, I see too much of your vexation, and indeed I suffer too much with you. As I am a gentleman, I will give you right friendly counsel if you will hear me.

641FitchowSir, I have perceived humanity in you and do love it in you. But I know not what to do nor whom to hear. I am fallen into the pit of bondage and will take any course for my redemption. Oh, Master Bulfinch!

642Triedwell   [Aside]   This will make to my purpose.

643FitchowSir, I am wronged beyond expression. This gentleman is an eye-witness of my sufferings. Pray come in, sir, I will hear your counsel together with this gentleman’s advice.

644BulfinchMadam, your case is in my apprehension most desperate, yet full of comfort in regard you seek advice and counsel. Mine is ever ready, and more fortunate oftentimes than judicious. For I do nothing but upon good reason and deliberation.[All exit.]