ACT. II. SCENE I.
Camelion, Hannah.
Cam.I prithee now, I prithee, prithie now
Urge me no more in this caſe; for I cannot,
I 3Nor
The New Academy, Or
Nor
I wo’ not ſo
I wo’ not,
I be jealous
Of mine own wife, mine own dear fleſh and blood?
That’s ſuch a thing! I pidee ſpeak no more on’t.
Han.You ſhew you love
Rafe.
My cock, my pity nittle nanſie cockſie,
Do I not ſhew my love when I deny thee
Vnreaſonable requeſts? I never heard
Of woman that deſir’d a loving huſband
To be a jealous Maſter over her.
Eſpecially a City-Shopkeeper.
The beſt part of whoſe trade runs through the hands
Of his faire wife too! ’Tis unreaſonable.
And thou the firſt that e’re take up the humour.
Han.And you the firſt that e’re I knew beſotted
Into a wilful confidence, which renders
Me to a vile conſtruction; and your ſelfe
By leaving me to all aſſaults and hazards
Have got the reputation of a Wittal.
Or one that ſeems contented to become ſo.
Cam.Hon ſoit qui maly penſe.
My Cock, my Nanſie Cock, my Cockſie Nanſie,
Kiſſe me, and uſe thine own conſcience: I ſcorn
The yellow ſickneſſe, I, let ’hem all ſay what they will.
D’einty, come thou to me. I will not loſe
An haires bredth o’my humour, nor retain
An ill thought o’my Cocks honeſtie
For all the wealth i’the Exchange, not
I
Han.I not deſire you ſhould, but only that
You will not ſeem ſo careleſſe of my credit,
Expoſing me to all temptations
Of the wilde Gallantry of the wanton time.
By whom (although my chaſtity remaines
Untouch’t) my name and your diſcretion ſuffers.
Cam.Piſh,
Honi ſoit again: Cock, I defie
Calumniation and detraction I.
[I3v]When
The New Exchange.
When I am jealous, let the horne-curſe take me;
And let me be with hornets ſtung to death.
Han.Still you flie from the point, I would not
You vex your ſelf with cauſeleſſe jealouſie
Over my conſtant love; but only ſeem
A little watchful o’re my reputation.
Whereby you may decline mens leud attempts.
And not to throw me upon opportunities
To draw them on; as if I were a thing
Set out, as in your ſhop, for common ſale.
Cam.Cock, Thou ſhalt never tie me to’t: not I.
I muſt not loſe my harmleſſe recreations
Abroad to ſnook over my wife at home.
Thought’ſt ha’ me like the hair-brain’d Point-tagger,
That us’d to hammer his fingers at one end
O’th’ ſhop, while’s wife was bargaining at the other?
Not I; ſweet
Cock, pidee lets heare no more on’t.
Enter Foot-poſt.
Now friend! Is your buſineſſe to me or my wife?
Poſt.This Superſcription will inform you, ſir.
Cam.To my deare daughter Mrs.
Hannah Camelion,
at her ſhop or houſe in or near the New Ex-
Cock.Take it quickly, what a Knave art thou to
put a letter in my hands, that is directed to my wife.
Sbobs I would not ha’ open’d it for fonrty
Poſt.If all husbands in the City were of his minde,
it were a Forreſt of fooles indeed.
Cam.Cock, I muſt leave thee.
Han.Pray ſtay a little. This letter’s from my fa-
Cam.I hope the good Captaine’s well.
I 4Han.
The New Academy,Or
Han.Yes, very well, pray read his Letter here.
Cam.Cock, you ſhall pardon me. Not I.
I have a match to play at the ducking-pond.
Prithee fore-ſlow not my occaſions, Cock,
As I forbear to pry into thy ſecrets.
Han.Here’s nothing but what I would have you
There’s for your poſtage, friend. It needs no an-
Poſt.I thank you, Myſtris.
Ex.
Han.But if you will not ſtay to reade this Let-
You ſhall not deny me one thing.
Cam.What is it, quickly? my ſweet
Nanny
Han.Here, take this pen: write here a word or
What you pleaſe. But keep it well in minde,
And look that you be ſure to know’t agen
Cam.’Tis done, there:
I defie, and dare the de-
vil and all his Clerks to counterfeit my hand. So, my
ſweet
Cock, a kiſſe and adieu.
Han.Well
Rafe, remember that you won’t be jea-
Cam.Not
I, Sbobs yonder comes one of the
That thou would’ſt have me have an eye to; He
That lives by his wits, and yet is ſeldom ſober:
That goes ſo gallantly, and has no credit,
Nor ever buyes with ready money; But
Barters commodity for commodity.
(Such as it is) with Tradeſmens wives, they ſay.
What call you him, oh
Aſkal; there’s another
Comes with him too. Into thy ſhop, good
Cock.
I wo’ not ſtay, not
I. So, farewel
Cock.Ex.
[I4v]Han.
The New Exchange.
Han.And farewel Coxſcombe, ſome wife would ſay
I am much troubled at his ſillineſſe.
And would to right me, ſtraine a woman’s wit,
Knew I with modeſty how to anſwer it.
Enter Eraſmus, Valentine.
Er.Was ever ſuch a humour in a man, as this mad
Merchant
Matchil is poſſeſt with.
To marry ſo, to ſpight his childe and kindred.
Val.He has made his daughter by’t a match worth
And there your hope is gone.
For as I ſaid before, good
Valentine.
I muſt returne you to your City-wives.
By the old trade to pick your maintenance
Out of ’em, as you boaſt you can.
And now to let you know that I can live
Without the helps of ſuch cool friends as you.
I’le ſhew you a preſent probability.
Val.Doeſt ſee yond pretty mumping peece i’th’
ValOne o’th’ fourty, boy,
That renders tribute in to my Exchecquer.
Er.Didſt ever lie with her?
Val.How plain you are. Not I, not I.
That’s her fool-huſbands word.
Let it ſuffice that I have ſeen her thrice.
And that I lay with, drink, and weare her money.
O ’tis the ſweeteſt Rogue.
Er.How got you acquainted.
[I5r]Val.
The New Academy, Or
Val.I’le tell you that, walking by chance as now,
Before her ſhop, where a young Gentleman
Was bargaining, he call’d me by my name,
Val Aſkall. Inſtantly her eye was fixt,
And ſtreight ran over my delineaments,
Which
I ſet to her view; and took occaſion
To aſk her how the object pleas’d her.
Val.I never loſt by that.
She then demands,
Is your name
Aſkall, ſir?
I anſwer, Yes. Pray of what countrey, ſir?
I told her; when a ſudden flaming bluſh
Did in her face betray the fire of love,
That was at th’ inſtant raging in her breaſt,
She look’t me through and through. Sigh’d, turn’d
Then look’t again under her hat-brims thus.
And thus I nimbly catch’t her with mine eye.
Er.I, thou haſt a deviliſh catch i’that ſame eye.
Val.Sir, what I have, I have. I gave a leere
With that ſame eye that made her turne her whites up.
Val.Why do you think a woman’s ſo quickly
Val.I ſaw ſhe was ſtruck; and thus I gave her line
To play withal. I whiſper’d in her eare,
The way to finde my lodging and my ſervice.
Next morning early comes a meſſage to me,
Inviting me to dinner: Chear and welcome
Plenteouſly flowed; and ſir, before we parted
Upon ſome private conference, twenty pieces
Were clutch’t into this hand, but with a caution
To be diſcreet and thrifty of her purſe,
And keep a friend in ſtore.
I have been modeſt,
And have not ſtruck her ſince, but for ten more.
[I5v]Er.
The New Exchange.
Val.Ile hold you ten o’that
Han.VVhat lack ye, Gentlemen; faire cut-work
bands, boot-hooſe, or boot-hooſe tops, ſhirts, waſt-
coats, night-caps, what will you buy?
Val.I come not now to buy.
But in plain termes to borrow Do you not know me?
Er.Sure thou miſtak’ſt the woman.
This is not ſhe, thou talk’ſt ſo freely on
Bounce.
Val.She’s cautious before thee. Walk off a little.
Now you may hear me, Lady.
A little, firſt to wonder at your raſhneſſe,
To talk ſo openly before a ſtranger.
Val.My intimate friend: I’le truſt him with my life.
Han.What’s that to my unblemiſh’t reputation?
’Tis not your life can ſalve that, being wounded.
But thus it is, when women out of goodneſſe
Hazard their fortunes to relieve the wants
Of ſuch as you, that carry no reſpect,
But to your own licentious Appetites.
And think no favour’s ſweet, unleſſe you may
Have priviledge to boaſt ’hem to our ſhame.
Val.I do not boaſt of yours.
Then you have found, and much good may they do
’Tis not poor thirty pieces can undo me.
Val.No, nor ten more
I hope; and that’s the
I would entreat: all makes but fourty pound.
I’ll pay thee like a Gentleman, as I am one,
Either in money, or doeſt hear me. Rogue,
In what ſhall pleaſe thee better. Come, be wiſe,
[I6r]Thy
The New Academy,Or
Thy huſband’s a dull ducking Gameſter. And
Kennels his water-dog in
Turnbull-ſtreet.
We’ll anſwer his delights with better ſport.
Han.There’s your preſumption.
Val.No, ’tis my ambition.
When ſhall we walk to
Totnam? or croſſe o’re
The water, or take Coach to
Kengington
Or
Padington; or to ſome one or other
O’th’ City out-leaps for an afternoon,
And hear the Cuckow ſing to th’ purpoſe? when?
Had.A woman were a wise one that would truſt
Her ſelfe in ſuch wilde hands as yours; to have
Her name made Tavern-talk among your blades,
And thruſt i’th’ liſt of your looſe-hilted Myſtrreſſes:
Val.O no; fie no: you cannot think how cloſe
And careful I will be. Heark in thine eare.
Er.I cannot blame this fellow now ſo much
For uſing of his wits to get a living,
Though in an idle way; as for traducing
People of worth and vertue, as this woman
Who I am credibly inform’d is vertuous
And too diſcreet for him to ſhark upon.
Therefore to grace himſelf, he ſlanders her.
I have alwayes lik’t his company till now,
And ſhall hereafter be more wary of him.
Han.Well ſir, upon pour faithful proteſtation,
And vow of ſecreſie, here’s ten pieces more.
You have found a tender-hearted woman of me
Over your wants; and all the ſatisfaction
That I deſire, is, that I may not ſuffer
Under a laviſh tongue; ’tis eaſie payment.
Val.Yes, but I’le pay thee better. Therefore
tell me, when we ſhall meet and have a ſpirt a-
Han.Your friend ſtayes for you, ſir.
[I6v]Han.
The New Exchange.
Han.You ſlight him now, but he knows all your
Val.By this good tongue, no more then the un-
begotten
Hans that I mean to clap into thy
Kel-
Nor ever ſhall: doeſt think I am ſo fooliſh
To talk away my hopes? No, thou art my Faëry,
Pinch me to death when I diſcover thee.
Han,Go to, avoid ſuſpition then, beſides
I have occaſions that do call me hence.
Ex.
Er.Your ſtay was ſomewhat long.
Val.Yet ’twas to purpoſe.
As here you may behold, but I muſt make no words
She has enjoyn’d me that. O’tis a cunning Gypſie.
Er.So’t ſeems, by truſting thee that haſt no pow-
Val.Troth, to tell you true.
My conſcience will not beare’t,
I cannot be
So ungrateful to receive a courteſie,
Er.Yet thou haſt the conſcience
To work a mans eſtate out of his hands
By his wives frailty, even to break his back.
Val.’Tis rather to be fear’d ſhe may break mine.
She’s a tight ſtrong dock’t Tit.
Er.O Tradeſmen, why do you marry?
Val.Why? to make Tradeſwomen.
For Gentlemen that want money and commodity.
You know the thing that I call father-in-law
That had my mothers whole eſtate, and buried her,
Er.Thank your own ſweet courſes.
Val.My courſes are ſweet courſes, they ſerve me
Er.But I ſhall put you off
[I7r]O’ one
The New Academy,Or
O’one of your ſweet courſes, or at leaſt
I’le ſtrain a point of friendſhip to be ſatisfied
Touching this woman, ’twil be worth diſcovery.
Val.But why theſe cloudy looks? do not you like
Er.I cry thee mercy,
Val.
I was upon our former ſubject
Matchil.
Val.I there’s a haſty match clap’t up. You ask’t
Why Tradeſmen marry, there’s a marriage now!
A humorous Coxſcombe that could never laugh
In all his laſt wives dayes; and ſince her death
Could ne’re be ſad. For him to marry his Malkin
For poor and courſe obedience. Well. I hope
To take my courſe in his houſe yet for all.
Her boaſted chaſtity and obedience.
Er.Wouldeſt thou touch ſuch a thing?
She can pay well, and her uglineſſe cannot fright me.
I can do that work winking.
Er.She can be no ſuch woman.
What any woman can or cannot be,
You’ll give me leave to try my fortune with her,
Er.Yes, and walk with you towards it.
Ex. Ambo.
Scœn. 2
Enter Lady Neſtlecock, Ephraim.
La.No newes, no tidings of ’em,
Ephraim, ha!
Of
Hellen I’m perſwaded. I have ſearch’t
With narrow eyes
(as I may ſay
) with care,
And diligence in moſt ſecret places.
And can no way inform my ſelf, what is
Betide of the young Damoſels, or old Squire.
Your Neece, and the
French Virgin, and the man
[I7v]Un-
The New Exchange.
Unworthy to be call’d your brother
Strigood.
Eph.Doubtleſſe ’twas his plot
To work upon your Ladiſhips good nature
To harbour them, that he might take th’ advantage
Eph.To do? much may be done, by his ſeducements,
On two ſuch tender Virgins, though he ſhould
But plant them in our ſuburbs: but my feare
Is that he has tranſported them beyond ſeas
Into ſome Nunnery. Your Ladiſhip
Knows he is adverſe in Religion.
The ſtronger in him, then to their ſubverſion.
La.How ſhall I anſwer now my brother
Matchil?
But he is juſtly ſerv’d to marry ſo.
The thought of it torments me. Where’s my comfort?
La.What, at his book? or at his muſick, ha?
Eph.That is, his Ballet, or his Jewes Trump. No,
Madam. He is buſie at his exerciſe of Armes
With a new Caſting top, a Cat and Catſtick,
I bought and brought him home.
My careful diſcreet
Ephraim. I like
His harmleſſe exerciſes well.
Your Ladiſhip can ſay ſince I have had
The Government of him nnder your Ladiſhip,
I have been careful of the Gentleman,
And have his love withal ſo much, that I
Dare ſay (I hope you’ll pardon the compariſon)
That had you married me (which was as likely
[I8r]As
The New Academy, Or
As that your brother would have ta’ne his Maid.
I think that Mr.
Nehemiah would not
Have run away in hatred of our Match,
As Mrs.
Joyce. it ſeems, hath done of theirs.
I hope your Ladiſhips pardon, I underſtand
La.And you ſpeak but reaſon
Ephraim.
Eph.I have given her there a touch of my affection.
Who knowes how it may work?
I would not have him over heat himſelf.
Eph.’Tis a good care. And Madam, by the way,
Let me adviſe, that ſince his riper yeares
Require, and that faire Propoſitions
Of marriage are tender’d for him, that
We gently by degrees do take him off
From childiſh exerciſe, indeed plaine boyes play.
More manly would become him.
Do worſe then, would you? and be nought, you var-
What! would you have him play at Mans game, ha?
’Fore he be married, ha
! what, what
! how now!
Is it but up and ride w’ye, ha!
Beſeech your Ladiſhips pardon, I will call
Sweet Mr.
Nehemiah to your worſhip.
La.Go, th’art an honeſt man. I know thou lov’ſt
Indeed he’s all my comfort and my care
And I muſt naturally reſpect all thoſe
That do partake with me my care of him.
Enter Nehemiah, looking down and eating.
Neh.My boy
Negh, Sonne
Nehemiah.
[I8v]La.
The New Exchange.
La.That’s my good Lamb. Hold up thy head;
Neh.But mother f ſooth, when I have her,
Will ſhe play with me at peg-top?
Neh.And ſhe ha’ not good box and ſteel, I ſhall
And then at Mumbledepeg I will ſo firk her.
La.But when y’are married, you ll finde other pa-
Neh.Whate’re I ſay, I have a meaning though.
But yet, I doubt, I ſhall not forſake all
My old fagaries in a yeare or two.
La.I know thy will is good to leave thy wag-tricks.
And I commend your underſtanding in it.
It ſhewes you man, and ready for a wife.
Neh.Amardla, f’ſooth, I think ſo; I Amardla.
For I did beat a boy as high as my ſelfe
Yeſterday, with one hand.
Neh.The boy had but one hand f’ſooth.
I us’d
La.Well th’art too witty to live long, I feare.
But as I was ſaying, ſonne,
I do expect
Sir
Swithen Whimlby to bring his Neece.
Neh.Who f ſooth, the crying Knight, he that has
E’re ſince his Lady di’d; and mournes in colours;
Speaks nothing but in verſe, and gives me Ballats;
The old Knight
Powel, that pronounces what dee call
La.Odes childe and Elegies. He has been in-
With the infection of Poetry,
E’re ſince his wives departure: and ’tis thought
KNothing
The New Academy, Or
Nothing can put him out, or cure him of it
But a new wife to kill the furious itch of’t,
Neh.But is not his Neece too big for me?
I would
La.O witty, witty, ſtill.
But when ſhe comes
Nehemiah, What’ll you ſay to her?
Neh.I’ll give her the time of the day or the night
I warrant her, come at what houre ſhe will.
Why if I eat not all before ſhe come.
(And ſhe muſt try her, if
I do’nt) I’ll ask her
If ſhe can ſpeak with plums in her mouth; and then
I’ll offer her a long one and two round ones,
La.You will not, will you, ha?
Neh.Mother, I know both what to ſay and do.
I truſt I am not to be taught to wooe.
La.Too witty ſtill,
I ſay, to be long-liv’d.
Neh.But heark you mother f’ſooth; I am told
Beare a moneths minde to that Sir
Whimlby,
And a croſſe match is talk’t on betwixt you
And the old Knight, and me and his young Neece.
La.This is no crafty childe.
Neh.Let me but ſee how you will handle him now
And mark how I’le come over her with ſmall Jerks.
La.O th’art a witty wag. A bleſſing on it.
Enter Ephraim, uſhering Whimlby and Blith.
Eph.Madam, Sir
Swithen Whimlby and his Neece,
La.They are very welcome,
Noble Sir
Swithen. [ Kiſſe.
Neh.Noble Mrs.
Blith. [ Kiſſe.
[K1v]La.
The New Exchange.
La.Sweet Knight, y’are welcome.
Neh.Still weeping for a husband.
Neh.Mother, ſhe puts me on’t,
Neh.Amardla, ſo I will, and if you laugh
At me, I’ll laugh at you again, ſo I will.
Neh.Are you there with me?
I’le be here with
Will you eat any Sugar-Plums? no, I’le eat ’em for
There’s ha, ha, ha, ha, for you now.
La.Do you note, Sir
Swithin, what a wag it is.
Walk into the next room
Nehemiah. Did you note
Whi.Madam, to tell you true.
I take in your ſweet boy.
—Eph. And that’s
I can take no delight
the way to win her.
Since my dear
Griſſel di’d,
In all, I ſee on earth or finde in books,
But that which overcomes me in his lookes.
La.O ſweet
Sir
Swithen, you have all woo’d and
Eph.Then all my hopes are fruſtrate.
La.My ſonne ſhall have your Neece, and for mine
You loving him ſo well, of what’s in me.
K 2I
The New Academy, Or
Eph.She offers up her ſelfe; now may the proverb
Of proffer’d ſervice light upon her.
Let me entreat you to leave weeping now.
When my dear Griſſel di’d.
And when your Ladiſhip appears in ſight,
(Pardon) I cannot chuſe but cry out-right.
La.Alas, good Knight. He weeps pure Helicon.
He has not wherewithal to quench his love,
But his own teares. A wife would cool him better.
Why ſir, does ſight of me renew your grief?
And till to eaſe my paine,
So oft as ſhe in you to me appears
My numbers cannot ceaſe to flow in tears.
La.Good ſir, collect your ſelf, and be aſſur’d
I am your own, ſo
Neh. may have your Neece,
With her full Dowry of foure thouſand pounds.
My perſonal eſtate is full as much.
That and my ſelf are yours on the croſſe marriage,
You making me an anſwerable Joincture.
[K2v]Eph.
The New Exchange.
Eph.Is’t come ſo near; I’le croſſe it, or my ſtars
Drop croſſes on my head. O vain, vain woman,
To doat on Poetry in an old man.
Ladies may love it in the young and bold,
And when they are ſick give gally-pots of gold,
For cordial Electuaries to chear
Their crop-ſick Muſes; but to an old and ſere
Man that out-lives his labours, who can be
So vain to give her ſelf away but ſhe.
I had been fitter for her, and
I’le watch
Occaſion yet, perhaps, to croſſe the match,
La.Dry now your eyes, and anſwer me in proſe,
Are you content to yield to thoſe conditions
And now for joy could weep,
Finding my
Griſſel in your Ladiſhip.
La.I hope the young ones do accord as well.
Enter Nehemiah, Blith.
Bli.Proteſt, I cannot abide you.
Madam, it ſeems they both are of one minde.
LaI do not like it. What’s the matter
Nehemiah
Neh.She is no wife for me, ſhe has broke my Jewes-
trump; look you here elſe. And almoſt broke my
head with one of my bounding ſtones.
La.Bleſſe my boy; ſhe has not, has ſhe, ha!
Neh.And yet after all that, and for all
I offered to
teach her to ſhoot in my Trunk and my
Stone-bowe,
do you think ſhe would play with me at Trou, Ma-
dam? no, nor at any thing elſe.
I’le none of her.
K 3And
The New Academy, Or
And yet I’le have her too. If ſhe will promiſe to do
as I would have her hereafter.
La.There, do you note him there, Sir
Swithen?
This childe has no childiſh meaning in’t, I war-
Whim.No, Madam, no, I know him inwardly
He is my joy, and ſhe ſhall be conformable,
La.She will,
I know ſhe will.
Will you not have my ſon, ſweet Mrs.
Blith?
BliSweet Madam, what to do? ha, ha,
I ſhall be
quickly weary with laughing at him. His fooling will
ſoon be ſtale and tedious; and then to beat him would
be as toilſome to me; and laſtly, to be tied to nothing
but to cuckold him, is ſuch a common Town-trick, that
I ſcorne to follow the faſhion.
Whim.A merry harmleſſe Girle.
Fear not, good Madam, ſhe will come about.
Bli.A thouſand mile about rather than meet
La.I much deſire ſhe would; for now my ſonne
Is ſet a marrying,
I warrant it pure thing
It is in paine, till it be at it: ha!
Pray bring her on, Sir
Swithen, let him kiſſe her.
Poor heart, he licks his lips; and look how arſeward
Whi.Fie
Blith, be courteous,
Blith.
Neh.Mother,––– ſhe has ſpit Amard juſt in my
Bli.Amard, what’s that? if you ſpeak
French you
La.Gip, Mrs.
Tripſhort. Is this the manners your
Bli.Speak not you of Mothers, Madam.
La.Sir
Swithen, will you ſee my childe abus’d ſo, ha?
[K3v]Whim.
The New Exchange.
Whim.I can but grieve for’t, Madam.
Neh.My mother is as good as your mother, ſo ſhe
Bli.Yes, it appears in your good breeding.
Your fine qualities expreſſe her vertues ſufficiently.
La.How dare you Huſwife talk thus to my ſon,
of me, and before my face too? ha!
Sir
Swithen, can
you think well of me, and ſuffer this, ha?
Whim.Alas, good Madam, I am down again. I know
not what to think of living woman now.
La.Do you bring your Neece to abuſe me?
Whim.I am ſo drown’d in teares, that I cannot ſee
Neh.Mother, Amardla, the more I look on her, the
better I like her.
La. Sayeſt ſo, my boy. Beſides, I
have a conceit ſhe can out-ſcold you, and that’s more
than ever woman did, I think f’ſooth.
La.For thee, I do forbear her.
Enter Matchil, Rachel.
Mat.By your leave, my Lady
Neſtlecock, I have
brought a ſiſter of yours here to ſalute you.
La.Though unworthy to be of your Counſel, or
at the Ceremony, I heard you were married brother.
And by a Siſters name you are welcome.
Rac.I thank your Ladiſhip.
Mat.Sir Swithen Whimlby! and your pretty Neece!
well met, what affairs have you in hand here? what
do you cry for your old wife ſtill or for a new one?
But heark, you Lady Siſter, where’s my daugh-
La.Now for a tempeſt. Truly ſir, I know
Mat.Is ſhenot with you, ha?
[K4r]La.
The New Academy,Or
She’s ſlipt from me with her good Uncle
Strigood.
Mat.That Thief has ſold her then into ſome Baw-
Was this your project for her education,
To ſteal my childe to make a whore of her?
Are you turn’d Lady-baud now for your Neece
Becauſe you have no daughter? O the devil!
If there be Law, I’ll trounce your Lady Hagſhip.
La.VVhat, what? how now? do you taunt me,
Mat.I’ll make thee an example.
La.Thou haſt made thy ſelf an example, and the
ſcorne of thine own childe in marrying of thy drudge
there; and thats the cauſe of her running away thou
mayeſt think, becauſe ſhe hates to live where ſhe muſt
call her mother that was thy droile.
Ra.Droile, I think, ſhe ſaid.
Mat.Speak to her, I charge thee on thy obedience
Ra.The droile is now your brothers wife, Madam,
and in that ſetting your Ladiſhips laviſh tongue aſide, as
good a woman as your ſelfe, none diſprais’d, ha.
Mat.Well-ſaid
Rachel, hold thine own
Rachel. And
Neh.Mother, come away, mother.
Rac.Do you preſume to call me drudge and droile,
that am a Ladies Siſter every day in the week; and have
been any time theſe three dayes, ha.
Bli.That’s not every day in a whole week yet.
La.Thou ſhalt not dare to call me ſiſter Hus-
RaCods ſo, and why troe? becauſe a Lady ſcornes to
be a huſwife, ha. If you be no huſwife, I ſcorn to call
[K4v]you
The New Exchange.
you Siſter, I; though my huſband be your brother.
From whence came you troe, ha ?
La.I know not what to ſay to the bold-face.
Neh.Pray f’ſooth come away, I am afear’d ſhe’l
La.Thanks, my good childe, but do not be afraid
Ra.Boldface, ha! Her brothers wife s a bold-face,
but her face is not varniſh’t over, yet like his Lady-
ſiſters face, but it may be in time when ſhe learnes the
trick on’t, and have as many flies upon’t, though not
ſo troubled with ’hem, as a bald mare at
Midſummer ,
La.I know not what to ſay to her, ſhe has charm’d
Mat.I never heard her ſpeak ſo much in all her
life, Sir
Swithen, nor half ſo loud. Thank heaven, ſhe
has a voice yet on a good occaſion. And ſo farre I’ll
maintain her in it. Nephew
Nehemiah, when ſaw you
Neh.O Lud, O mother f’ſooth, look you, mine
Mat.Ah, naughty man, did a ſo gi’me a ſtroke, and
La.Your wife has taught you to play the rude
companion, has ſhe? Pray take her home ſir, and let
her diſcipline your owne childe if you have one, and
let mine alone. You know the way you came, ſir;
or if you have a minde to ſtay here, Come Sir
Swithen,
come away children;
I hope
I ſhall finde ſome other
room in my own houſe, free from your aſſaults, if
not,
I’m ſure there’s Law againſt Riots. Come Sir
Mat.Not yet good Madam
Neſtlecock, you ſhall
You have entic’d away, then loſt my daughter.
[K5r]And
The New Academy, Or
And now y’are a jugling with your widow wit,
And your ſmall worme here, to catch up for Gudge-
Sir
Swithen and his Neece,
I know your plot.
She’s not fit match for you Sir
Swithen ; and her ſon
Much leſſe for your faire Neece. Come dry your eyes,
And look upon him, and not only look,
But laugh at him,
I charge you.
Bli.I could now for him heartily.
Mat.Mark how his mothers milk drops at his
noſe, while I ſhew you the mother and the childe.
He was her youngeſt ſonne, and all that’s left of
ſeven, and dreaming that he needs muſt prove a Prophet,
ſhe has bred him up a fool.
Neh.F’ſooth mother he mocks me, oh.–––
La.O prophane wretch, worſe then thy brother
Do not cry,
Nehemiah, peace, good boy, peace. So
Mat.A tender mother I muſt ſay ſhe has been.
For till he was fifteen, none but her ſelfe
Muſt look his head, or waſh his pretty face
For making of it cry. Laugh at her good Sir
And before that, till he was twelve yeares old
She would dance him on her knee, and play with’s
Mat.So well ſaid, Sir
Swithen.
Whim.Juſt ſo efac my mother would ſerve me, ha, ha.
Is not this better then whining.
Yes, or perhaps then wiving either.
MatWell ſaid, Sir
Swithen, laugh on.
I hope I ha’ done a cure on him, by ſhewing him a
[K5v]more
The New Exchange.
more ridiculous object then himſelfe, to turne the tide
Mat.Laugh ſtill, defie the fiends, women, and all
Wh.Ha, ha, ha, let the dead go, and the quick care
for themſelves. You buri’d your wife, and cri’d, and
And laugh
; which is the manlier Paſſion.
Ra.He knows not that he is married agen.
Whi.You are the merrieſt Merchant, ha, ha, ha.
I think I ſhall not marry again in haſte, ha, ha.
Mat.Well-ſaid, hold there. And for your Neece
Let me alone. I’le fit her with a match.
I know a Lad that’s worthy of her.
Mat.He’ll laugh too much, I feare.
Ra.To thruſt your ſelf into unthankful offices.
In things concerne you not. Will you turne Match-
For others un-intreated, ’tis enough.
For you, I hope, that you have match’t your ſelfe,
Mat.Hah! Do you hah, or talk to me ?
Should talk or give you counſel but your wife?
La.VVell-ſaid
Rachel, hold thine own
Rachel.
Mat.Pax, cry again, or burſt thy ſelf with laugh-
Whi. La.Ha, ha, ha. Laugh ſon
Nehemiah.
[K6r]Mat.
The New Academy,Or
Mat.What am
I? what do you make of me?
La.Nay, what ha’ you made your ſelf? beſt aſk
the Chimney piece that you have married there.
Mat.Durſt thou advance a voice againſt me, ha?
Ra.You did commend it in me againſt your Si-
And I may better be familiar with you;
Hah, are you not my huſband?
I am ſure
’Tis not ſo long ſince we were married, that
You can forget it, or repent ſo ſoon.
I am not now your ſlave, to have my face
Waſh’t with your ſnuffes, nor to be kick’t and
VVithout reſiſtanee, nor to make you anſwers
Meerly with ſilent court’ſies, run when you bid go
To fetch and carry like your Spaniel,
In which condition I liv’d long enough,
And was content until you freed me out on’t.
Now free I am, and will be a free woman,
As you are a free-man, ha.
Ra. You wrong your wife in that.
Ra.You wrong your wife in that.
Mat.How ſhe holds up the wife.
Nor mov’d a lip to be your wife, not I,
You held my ſervice portion good enough,
And for my blood ’tis no more baſe then yours,
Since both are mixt in marriage.
And let me hear you ſpeak ſo much at home.
Ra.I hope I may be bolder in mine own houſe.
So Madam, for the love I have found in yours,
You ſhall be welcome thither, when y’are ſent for.
La.What a bold piece of Kitchin-ſtuffe is this?
[K6v]Whi.
The New Exchange.
Whi.And catch’t ifac la, ha, ha, ha.
La.He has not a word to ſpeak.
Mat.Follow me home and durſt.
Ex.
Ra.Yes, ſir,
I dare without more leave taking,
La.Was ever combe ſo cut.
Neh.There’s a new Aunt indeed! ſhe brought me
Whi.I have not laught ſo much I know not when,
H’has made me laugh until
I cry agen.
La.Again, you are welcom, Sir, Mrs.
Blith
Now the unwelcome gueſts are gone, lets in
And dine, then will we after meat
Whi.Of Joinctures, Madam, and of Nuptials
Bli.Love, as I ſhall adore thee for a deity.
Rid me of this ridiculous ſociety.
