ACT 3. SCENE I.
Quick-ſands. Buzzard. Madge.
Quic.Out of my doors pernicious knave and harlot;
Quic.You have all the wages you are like to have.
Buz.Nay, I dare take your word for that: you’l keep
All moneys faſt enough whoſe ere it be,
If you but gripe it once.
C 4[r]Quic.
The Engliſh-Moor,
And ſham’d for ever by your negligence,
Or malice rather: for how can it be
She could depart my houſe without your knowledge.
Buz.That curſed Miſtris that ever ſhe came here!
If I know of her flight, Sir, may theſe hands
Never be held up, but to curſe you onely,
If you caſhier me thus: becauſe you have loſt
your wife before ſhe was well found, muſt we
Poor innocents be guilty
?
Or ought I know ſhe may as well be gone
Out o’the chimney top as out o’door.
Quic.The door muſt be your way; and find her out,
Or never find my door again. Be gone.
Buz. Mad.O, you are a cruel Maſter.
Exit.
Theſe cries are laughter to me: Ha, ha, ha.
I will be
Maſter of my invention once,
And now be bold to ſee how rich I am
In my concealed wealth. Come, precious mark
Of beauty and perfection, at which envy
Enter Milicent.
And luſt aim all their rankling poyſonous arrowes.
But Ile provide they nere ſhall touch thy blood.
Mil.What, are your ſervants gone?
With blame enough for thy ſuppos’d eſcape:
Which they will rumor ſo to my diſgrace
Abroad, that all my envious adverſaries
Will, betwixt joy of my conceiv’d miſfortune
In thy dear loſs, and their vain hopes to find thee,
Run frantic thorow the ſtreets, while we at home
Sit ſafe, and laugh at their defeated malice.
Mil.But now for my diſguiſe.
Quic.I, that, that, that.
[C4v]Be
or the Mock-Marriage.
Be but ſo good and gentle to thy ſelf,
To hear me and be rul’d by me in that,
A Queens felicity falls ſhort of thine.
Ile make thee Miſtreſs of a Mine of treaſure,
Give me but peace the way that I deſire it – – –
Mil.Some horrible ſhape ſure that he conjures ſo.
Quic.That I may fool iniquity, and Triumph
Over the luſtful ſtallions of our time;
Bed-bounders, and leap-Ladies (as they terme’em)
Mount-Miſtreſſes, diſeaſes ſhackle’em,
And ſpittles pick their bones.
(you.
Mil.Come to the point. What’s the diſguiſe, I pray
Qui.Firſt know, my ſweet, it was the quaint deviſe
Of a
Venetian Merchant, which I learnt
The Backamore you ſpake of? Would you make
Qui.You have paſt your word,
That if I urge not to infringe your vow
(For keeping this moneth your virginity)
You’l wear what ſhape I pleaſe. Now this ſhall both
Kill vain attempts in me, and guard you ſafe
From all that ſeek ſubverſion of your honour.
Ile fear no powder’d ſpirits to haunt my houſe,
Roſe-footed fiends, or fumigated Goblins
After this tincture’s laid upon thy face,
’Twil cool their kidnies and allay their heats.
A box of
Mil.Bleſs me! you fright me, Sir. Can
black paint-
Creep into ſuch a ſhape? Would you blot out
Qui.Why think’ſt thou, fearful Beauty,
Has heaven no part in
Ægypt? Pray thee tell me,
Is not an
Ethiopes face his workmanſhip
As well as the fair’ſt Ladies? nay, more too
[C5r]Then
The Engliſh-Moor,
Then hers, that daubs and makes adulterate beauty
?
Some can be pleas’d to lye in oyles and paſte,
At ſins appointment, which is thrice more wicked.
This (which is ſacred) is for ſins prevention.
Illuſtrious perſons, nay, even Queens themſelves
Have, for the glory of a nights preſentment,
To grace the work, ſuffered as much as this.
Mil.Enough Sir, I am obedient.
Be fearleſs love; this alters not thy beauty,
Though, for a time obſcures it from our eyes.
Thou maiſt be, while at pleaſure, like the Sun;
Thou doſt but caſe thy ſplendor in a cloud,
To make the beam more precious in it ſhines.
In ſtormy troubled weather no Sun’s ſeen
Sometimes a moneth together: ’Tis thy caſe now.
But let the roaring tempeſt once be over,
Shine out again and ſpare not.
Mil.There’s ſome comfort.
Quic.Take pleaſure in the ſcent firſt; ſmell to’t fearleſſly,
And taſte my care in that, how comfortable
He begins to
’Tis to the noſtril, and no foe to feature.
paint her.
Now red and white thoſe two united houſes,
Whence beauty takes her fair name and deſcent,
Like peaceful Siſters under one Roof dwelling
For a ſmall time; farewel. Oh let me kiſs ye
Before I part with you – – – – – Now Jewels up
Into your Ebon Caſket. And thoſe eyes,
Thoſe ſparkling eyes, that ſend forth modeſt anger
To ſindge the hand of ſo unkind a Painter,
And make me pull’t away and ſpoyle my work,
They will look ſtreight like Diamonds, ſet in lead,
That yet retain their vertue and their value.
What murder have I done upon a cheek there
!
But there’s no pittying: ’Tis for peace and honour;
And pleaſure muſt give way. Hold, take the Tincture,
[C5v]And
or the Mock-Marriage.
And perfect what’s amiſs now by your glaſs.
Mil.Some humbler habit muſt be thought on too.
Quic.Pleaſe your own fancy. Take my keys of all;
In my pawn Wardrobe you ſhall find to fit you.
Mil.And though I outwardly appear your Drudge,
’Tis fit I have a Maid for private ſervice:
My breeding has not been to ſerve my ſelf.
Exit
Quic.Truſt to my care for that. One knock. In; in.
Mil.
Is it to me your buſineſs?
Enter Phillis like
Phi.Yea, if you
a Cook-maid.
Be Maſter
Quick-ſands Sir; the Maſters worſhip
Quic.I am ſo. What’s your buſineſs?
Phi.’Tis upon that, Sir, I would ſpeak Sir, hoping
That you will pardon my preſumptuouſneſs,
I am a Mother that do lack a ſervice.
Quic.You have ſaid enough. I’le entertain no Mothers.
A good Maid ſervant, knew I where to find one.
Phi.He is a knave, and like your worſhip, that
Dares ſay I am no Maid; and for a ſervant
(It ill becomes poor folks to praiſe themſelves,
But) I were held a tydie one at home.
Quic.O th’art a
Norfolk woman (cry thee mercy)
Where Maids are Mothers, and Mothers are Maids.
Phi.I have friends i’th’City that will paſs their words
I have a Couſen that is a Retorney
Of
Lyons-Inn, that will not ſee me wrong’d;
And an old Aunt in
Muggle-ſtreet, a Mid-wife,
That knows what’s what as well’s another woman.
Quick.But where about in
Norfolk wert thou bred?
Phi.At
Thripperſtown Sir, near the City of
Norwich.
Quic.Where they live much by ſpinning with the
Phi.Thripping they call it, Sir.
(Rocks?
[C6r]Quic.
The Engliſh-Moor,
Quic.Doſt thou not know one
Hulverhead that keeps
Phi.There are but few innocents i’the countrey Sr.
They are given too much to law for that: what ſhould
That
Hulverhead be a councellor, Sir.
Quic.I am glad ſhe do’s not. How knew’ſt thou I wanted
Phi.At an old wives houſe in Bow-lane
That places ſervants, where a maid came in
Quic.All, and what ſaid ſhe?
Phi.Truly to ſpeak the beſt and worſt, forſooth,
She ſaid her fault deſerv’d her puniſhment
For letting of her Miſtreſs run away.
Quic.The nevves goes current. I am glad o’that.
Phi.And that you were a very ſtrict hard man,
But very juſt in all your promiſes.
And ſuch a maſter vvould I ſerve to chuſe.
Quic.This innocent countrey Mother takes me.
Her looks ſpeak Wholeſomeneſs; and that old woman
That Bovv-lane purveyor hath fitted me
With ſerviceable ware theſe dozen years.
I’le keep her at the leaſt this Gander moneth,
While my fair vvife lies in of her black face,
And virgin vovv; in hope ſhe’s for my turn.
Luſt, vvhen it is reſtrained, the more tvvil burn.
Phi.May I make bold to crave your anſvver, Sir?
Quic.Come in, I’le talk vvith you.
Exit.
Phi.Proſper novv my plot,
And hulk, thou art tvvixt vvind and vvater ſhot.
Exit.
[C6v]ACT. 3
Or the Mock-Marriage.
ACT 3. SCENE 2.
Nathaniel. Vincent. Edmond. Buzzard.
Boy.Y’are welcome Gentlemen.
Nat.Let’s ha’good wine, Boy, that muſt be our welcome.
Boy.You ſhall, you ſhall Sir.
Boy.Here, here, anon, anon, by and by, I come, I come.
Ex.
Jerom, Jerom, draw a quart of the beſt Canary into the
Buz.This is a language that I have not heard.
(Apollo.
You underſtand it, Gentlemen.
Vin.So ſhall you anon maſter
Buzzard.
Buz.Your friend and
Jonathan B
uzzard kind gentlemen.
Nat.What excellent luck had we, friend
Buzzard, to
meet with thee, juſt as thy Maſter caſt thee off.
Buz.Juſt Sir, as I was going I know not whither:
And now I am arrived at juſt I know not where. Tis a
rich room, this. Is it not Goldſmiths hall.
Nat.It is a Tavern man – – – – And here comes the wine.
Fill boy – – – and her’s to thee friend, a hearty draft to
chear thee – – – fill again boy – – – There, drink it off.
Ed.Off with it man. – – – hang ſorrow, chear thy heart.
Buz.And truly ti’s the beſt chear that ere I taſted.
Vin.Come taſt it better, her’s another to thee.
Buz. – – – And truly this was better then the firſt.
Ed.Then try a third. That may be beſt of all.
Buz. – – And truly, fo it is – – how many ſorts of wine
May a vintner bring in one pot together?
Nat.By
Bacchus Mr.
Buzzard, that’s a ſubtil queſtion
Buz.Bacchus! whoſe that I pray?
(company indeed.
Vin.A great friend of the vintners, and maſter
Buz.I was never in all my life ſo far in a tavern before.
What comforts have I loſt.
Ed.Now he begins to talk.
[C7r]Buz.
The Engliſh-Moor,
Buz.Nor ever was in all my two and twenty years
under that
Babilonian Tyrant
Quickſands, ſo far as a Vint-
Nat.But thrice in all that time?
Buz.Truly but thrice Sir. And the firſt time was to
fetch a jill of ſack for my Maſter, to make a friend of his
drink, that joyned with him in a purchaſe of ſixteen thou-
Vin.I, there was thrift. More wine boy. A pottle and a
Buz.The ſecond time was for a penny pot of Muſca-
dine, which he drank all himſelf with an egge upon his
wedding morning.
(ning away.
Nat.And to much purpoſe, it ſeem’d by his wives run-
Buz.The third and laſt time was for half a pint of ſack
upon his wedding night, of later memory; and I ſhall
nere forget it, that riotous wedding night: when Hell
broke looſe, and all the devils danced at our houſe, which
made my Maſter mad, whoſe raving made my miſtriſs run
away, whoſe running away was the cauſe of my turn-
ing away. O me, poor maſterleſs wretch that I am– – – –
Nat.Hang thy maſter, here’s a full bowl to his con-
Buz.I thank you. Let it come Sir, ha, ha, ha.
Vin.Think no more of Maſters, friends are better
Buz.And you are all my friends kind gentlemen, I
found it before in your money when my Maſter
(whoſe
confuſion I have drunk
) took your Mortgages; And now
I find it in your wine. I thank you kind gentlemen ſtill.
O how I love kind gentlemen.
Nat.That ſhewes thou art of gentle blood thy ſelf, friend
(Buzzard.
Buz.Yes friend – – – Shall I call you friend?
All.By all means, all of us.
Buz.Why then, all friends, I am a gentleman, though
ſpoild i’the breeding. The
Buzzards are all gentlemen.
[C7v]We
Or the Mock-Marriage.
We came in with the Conqueror. Our name (as the
French has it) is
Beau-deſert; which ſignifies – – – – – Friends,
Vin.It ſignifies that you deſerv’d fairly at your ma-
ſters hands, like a Gentleman, and a
Buzzard as you
were, and he turn’d you away moſt beaſtly like
a ſwine, as he is. And now here is a health to him,
that firſt finds his wife, and ſends her home with a boun-
cing boy in her belly for him to father.
Buz.Ha, ha, ha. Ile pledge that: and then Ile tell you
(a ſecret.
Nat.Well ſaid friend; up with that, and then out with
(thy ſecret.
Buz.I will friend. And tother two friends, here’s upon
(the ſame.
Ed.I hope he will ſhew us a way, out of the bottom
of his bowl to find his Miſtreſſe.
Vin.This fellow was happily found.
Buz.This was an excellent draught.
Nat.But the ſecret, friend, out with that, you muſt
keep no ſecrets amongſt friends.
Buz.It might prove a ſhrew’d matter againſt my miſ-
chievous Maſter as it may be handled.
Nat.Hang him cullion, that would turn thee away.
Wee’l help thee to handle it, fear it not.
Buz.Heark you then all friends. Shall I out with it?
Buz.Ile firſt take tother cup, and then out with’t al-
together – – – And now it comes – – – If my Miſtreſs do bring
him home a baſtard, ſhe’s but even with him.
Nat.He has one I warrant. Has he cadzooks?
Buz.That he has by this moſt delicate drink. But it
is the Arſivarſieſt Aufe that ever crept into the world.
Sure ſome Goblin got it for him; or chang’d it in the
Nat.I vow thou uttereſt brave things. Is’t a boy?
[C8r]Buz.
The Engliſh-Moor,
Buz.It has gone for a boy in ſhort coats and long
coats this ſeaven and twenty years.
Buz.Yes: A very natural; and goes a thiſſen; and
looks as old as I do too. And I think if my beard
were off, I could be like him: I have taken great pains
to practiſe his ſpeech and action to make my ſelf merry
with him in the countrey.
Nat.Where is he kept, friend, where is he kept.
Buz.In the further ſide of
Norfolk, where you muſt never
ſee him. Tis now a dozen years ſince his father ſaw him,
and then he compounded for a ſum of mony with an old
man, one
Hulverhead, to keep him for his life time; and
he never to hear of him. But I ſaw him within theſe three
moneths. We hearken after him, as land-ſick heirs do
after their fathers, in hope to hear of his end at laſt.
Vin.But heark you, friend, if your beard were off,
could you be like him think you? What if you cut it off,
Nat.Pray thee hold thy peace.
Buz.My beard, friend, no: My beard’s my honour.
Hair is an ornament of honour upon man or woman.
Nat.Come, come; I know what we will do with
him. Mun, knock him down with the other cup. We’l
lay him to ſleep; but yet watch and keep him betwixt
hawk and buzzard as he is, till we make excellent ſport
Buz.Hey ho. I am very ſleepy.
Nat.See he jooks already. Boy ſhew us a private room.
Buz.Down
Plumpton-park, &c.
They lead Buz.
out, and he ſings.
[C8v]A C T 3.
Or the Mock-Marriage.
ACT. 3. SCENE. 3.
Lucy. Theophilus.
Lu.Indeed you were unkind to turn away
My maid (poor harmleſs maid) whoſe innocent mirth
Was the beſt chear your houſe afforded me.
The.I am ſorry ſiſter, truſt me, truly ſorry,
And knew I which way to recover her
With my beſt care I would. Yet, give me leave,
I ſaw her overbold; and overheard her
Say, ſhe foreſaw that
Arthur my ſole enemy
Should be your huſband. Ile marry you to death firſt.
Lu.Now you fly out again.
The.Your pardon again your ſiſter,
And for your ſatiſfaction I will ſtrive
Ent. Arn.
To overſway my paſſion. How now
Arnold,
Me thinks I read good newes upon thy face.
Ar.The beſt, Sir, I can tell is, the old
Jew
Quickſands has loſt his wife.
Ar.Tis not ſo well for him: for if ſhe were
He then might overtake her though ſhe were
Gone to the devil. But ſhe’s run away:
But to what corner of the earth, or under
Whoſe bed to find her is not to be thought.
It has rais’d ſuch a laughter in the town
Among the Gallants – – –
!
The.And do you laugh too?
Ar.Yes; and if you do not out-laugh all men
That hear the joyful newes, tis too good for you.
The.I am too merciful, I kill thee not.
out of my doors, thou villain, reprobate.
He beats Arnold.
D[1r]The.
The Engliſh-Moor,
The.Never while I have power to lift a hand
Againſt thee, miſchievous Villain.
LucyIs not this paſſion, brother?
This is a cauſe turns patience into fury.
Lu.Arnold, forbear his ſight.
Or villain, look to die, oft as I ſee thee.
Ext. The. Lu.
Arn.Turn’d out o’doors! A dainty frantick humour
In a young Maſter! Good enough for me though;
Becauſe tis proper to old ſerving-men
To be ſo ſerv’d. What courſe now muſt I take?
I am too old to ſeek out a new Maſter.
I will not beg, becauſe Ile croſſe the proverb
That runs upon old ſerving creatures; ſtealing
I have no minde to: Tis a hanging matter.
Wit and invention help me with ſome ſhift
He kneels.
To help a caſt-off now at a dead lift.
Sweet fortune hear my ſuit.
Ent. Nat. Vin. Edm.
Nat.Why how now,
Arnold! What, at thy devotion?
Ar.Ile tell you in your ear, ſir, I dare truſt you.
Nat. &
Vi.Could earthly man have dreamt this Raſcal
Arnold
Whoſe Letchery, to all our thinking, was
Nothing but greedy Avarice and coſonage,
Could have been all this while a conceal’d whoremaster,
To have a Baſtard of ſo many years
That haunt the Miſcreant for his black miſdeeds;
That his baſe off-ſpring proves a natural Ideot;
Next that his wife, by whom he might had comfort
In progeny, though of ſome others getting,
Should with her light heels make him heavie-headed
By running of her Countrey! And laſtly that
The blinded wretch ſhould caſt his ſervant off,
Who was the cover of his villany,
[D1v]To
Or the Mock-Marriage.
To ſhew us (that can have no mercy on him)
Vin.To think how nimble the poor
uzzard is
To be reveng’d on’s Maſter; How he has Shap’d himſelf;
Cut off his beard, and practis’d all the poſtures
To act the Changeling baſtard.
Upon ſome quaint old fellow now, could match him
To play the clown that brings him up to town,
Our company were full, and we were ready
To put our project into preſent action.
Nat.Gentlemen, we are fitted: take this man w’ye
He is the onely man I would have ſought,
To give our project life. I’le truſt thee
Arnold,
And truſt thou me, thou ſhalt get pieces by’t;
Beſides, Ile piece thee to thy Maſter again.
Nat.Go follow your directions.
Vin.Come away then.
Ex. Vin. Ed. Arn.
Nat.Sweet mirth thou art my Miſtreſs. I could ſerve
And ſhake the thought off of all woman kind
(thee,
But that old wonts are hardly left. A man
That’s enter’d in his youth, and throughly ſalted
In documents of women, hardly leaves
While reins or brains will laſt him: Tis my caſe.
Yet mirth, when women fail, brings ſweet incounters
That tickle upon a man above their ſphear:
They dull, but mirth revives a man: who’s here,
En. Art.
The ſolitary muſing man, cal’d
Arthur,
Poſſes’d with ſeriours vanity; Mirth to me!
The world is full: I cannot peep my head forth
But I meet mirth in every corner: Ha!
Sure ſome old runt with a ſplay-foot has croſt him!
Hold up thy head man; what doſt ſeek? thy grave?
I would ſcarce truſt you with a piece of earth
D 2[r]You
The Engliſh-Moor,
You would chuſe to lye in though; if ſome plump Miſtriſs
Or a deft Laſs were ſet before your ſearch.
Ar.How vainly this man talks!
Nat.Gid ye good den forſooth.
How vainly this man talks
! ſpeak but truth now,
Does not thy thought now run upon a Wench?
I never look’d ſo but mine ſtood that way.
Ar.’Tis all your glory that; and to make boaſt
Of the variety that ſerves your luſt:
Yet not to know what woman you love beſt.
Nat.Not I cadzooks, but all alike to me,
Since I put off my Wench I kept at Livory:
But of their uſe I think I have had my ſhare,
And have lov’d every one beſt of living women;
A dead one I nere coveted, that’s my comfort
:
But of all ages that are preſſable;
From ſixteen unto ſixty, and of all complections
From the white flaxen to the tawney-Moor;
And of all ſtatures between Dwarf and Giants;
Of all conditions, from the Doxie to the Dowſabel.
Of all opinions, I will not ſay Religious:
(For what make they with any?) and of all
Features and ſhapes, from the huckle-back’d Bum-creeper,
To the ſtreight ſpiny Shop-maid in St.
Martins.
Briefly, all ſorts and ſizes I have taſted.
Ar.And thinkſt thou haſt done well in’t!
Nat.As well as I could with the worſt of’em tho’ I
Few men come after me that mend my work.
(ſay’t.
Ar.But thou nere thinkſt of puniſhments to come;
Thou dream’ſt not of diſeaſes, poverty,
The loſs of ſenſe or member, or the croſs
(Common to ſuch looſe livers) an ill marriage;
A hell on earth to ſcourge thy conſcience.
Nat.Yes, when I marry, let me have a wife
To have no mercy on me; let the fate
Of a ſtale dovting Batchelor fall upon me;
[D2v]Let
Or the Mock-Marriage.
Let me have
Quickſands curſe, to take a Wife
Will run away next day, and proſtitute
Her ſelf to all the world before her Huſband.
Ar.Nay, that will be too good: If I foreſee
Any thing in thy marriage deſtiny,
’Twil be to take a thing that has been common
To th’world before, and live with thee perforce
To thy perpetual torment.
I cannot marry. Will you be merry,
Arthur?
I have ſuch things to tell thee.
Nat.Pray thee come cloſer to me. What has croſt thee?
Is thy ſuppos’d ſlain father come again,
To diſpoſſeſs thee for another life time?
Or has thy valiant ſiſter beaten thee? Tell me.
And jocound humor be ſuppos’d no warrant
For you t’abuſe your friends by.
Nat.Why didſt tell me of marrying then? But I
Have done. And now pray ſpeak what troubles you.
Ar.I care not if I do: For ’twill be Town talk.
My Siſter on a private diſcontent
Betwixt her ſelf and me hath left my houſe.
Ar.Yes, And I know not whither.
Nat.Beyond Sea ſure to fight with th’Air, that took
Her fathers laſt breath into’t. Went ſhe alone?
Ar.No, No; My man’s gone with her.
That brags on’s back ſo; the ſtiff ſtrong chin’d Raſcal?
Nat.The devil is in theſe young Tits,
And wildfire in their Cruppers.
D 3[r]By
The Engliſh-Moor,
By all our friendſhip, you nor ſpeak nor hear
An ill conſtruction of her act in this.
I know her thoughts are noble; and my wo
Is ſwoln unto that fulneſs, that th’addition
But of word in ſcorn would blow me up
Into a cloud of wild diſtemper’d fury
Over the heads of all whoſe looſer breath
Dare raiſe a wind to break me. Then I fall
A ſodain ſtorm of ruin on you all.
Exit.
Nat.I know not how to laugh at this: It comes
So near my pitty. But ile to my Griggs
Again; And there will find new mirth to ſtretch
And laugh, like tickled wenches, hand ore head.
Exit.
