Act 4. Scene 1.
Tom Hoyden, Coulter.
Tom.IS it poſſible that halfe this can be true, that a halfe brother
of mine can be made ſuch an aſſe all over?
Coul.Tis all true, as I am a Curſen fellow, Mr.
Thomas, every
word on’t: I ſcorne to lye in a ſillibub I: what lucke had I to
meete you? I never thought to zee you at
London.
Tom.S’daggers death, it has as good as veez’d me out o’my
wits to think on’t: was my vathers blood zo quaiſome to him,
(with a miſchiefe to’t) that he muſt let it out to be a gentleman,
becauſe his mother was one (by her owne report:) for our own
parts we nother know nor care where hence ſhe coame, nor whi-
ther ſhe’s gone, but dead ſhe is) ſhe brought my vather a good
purſe o’mony, and kept another in ſtore it zeems, till ſhe could
keep’t no longer, and then beſtow’d it well and wiſely upon
Chitty vace her zonne, to make him a geantleman, and told him
what great houſe he coame on by her ſide; for thee was a
Striker
forzooth, and ga’n directions to vinde an old Vncle of his
here in Cuckold-ſhire, one Mr.
Striker: but virft ſhee bade him
put his zelfe into vaſhion, and bee ſure to beare’s zelfe like a
Gentleman; and he has ta’ne a wife courſe to compaſſe it, it zeems:
I warrant he ha made a voole o’his voure hundred pound by this
Coult.Ay, and o’his zelfe too, and his Cony catchers ha handled
him: And you had zeen’t, you would ha’be piſt your zelfe vor
woe, how they blooded him.
[G4]Colt.
The Sparagus Garden.
Coult.And then how they ſpurg’d his guts out.
Coult.A Bots light on’hem,’twould ha made a dog zick to zee’t,
how like a ſcalded pig he look’d.
Coult.And then how they did veed’ne with a zort of zlip zlaps
not all worth a’meſſe o’milke porredge to make him vine
Coult.Youle zee zuch an altrication in him as never was zeen
Tom.But I wo’not zee’n yet as voule a Clowne, as I am, and as
vine a gentleman, as he is I have a tricke i’my ſkonce to make a
Coul.I that would be zeene now.
Tom.I ha’t, and’tis a vine one, I came to
London to zeeke the
voole my brother, and ha the ſame directions from our Curate,
(to whom my mother told all) that
Tim had to vinde his Vncle
Strikers houſe, and I ha quir’d it out; and this is it, and thou
zhalt zee what I chill doe now: wh’are within.
Act 4. Scene 2.
Enter Friſwood to them.
Fris.Who would you ſpeak with.
Tom.By your leave vorſooth, I would ſpeake with the Mr-o’
the houſe; I underſtand his worſhips name is Mr.
Striker.
Fris.He is ſo ſir, but he is not in caſe to buy any cattell at this
Tom.Nor doe I come to zell’n any; my comming is of a dead
Fris.What ſtrange fellow is this troe?
Tom.I pray vorſooth, and you bee old enough (as it zeems you
be) to remember when my mother was a maid, did you know a
zuſter of Mr.
Strikers that was married into
Zummerzet ſhire?
Fris.What was her name I pray?
Tom.Her Curſen name was
Audry, ſhe zed, and a
Striker ſhe
was bevore ſhe was married; but my vather made a
Hoyden.
[G4v]Tom.
The Sparagus Garden.
Tom.Yes
Hoyden, zo I zay; there be very good vokes o’th
name, as you ſhall well know; I cham one my zelfe, and ſhe neede
not be aſham’d I wuſſe o’the kin ſhe coame on, to hugger mugger
it as ſhe did to her dying day.
Fris.Moſt wonderfull, but is ſhe dead?
Tom.Yes vaith ſhe’s deed, and as ſumptiouſly buried, though I
zay’t, as any yeomans wife within ten mile of Tanton, any time
theſe ten and twenty yeare.
Fris.Pray what were you to her?
Tom.I tell you, my vather married her; and I ſhould bee her
Fris.Good heaven, how things will come about!
Tom.Coulter keep thy countenance Coulter, ile make’hem be-
lieve I am her very naturall zonne, zee what will come on’t.
Coult.Ile keepe my countenance, and zet a vace on’t too and
Fris.Your Vncle Striker at this time is very ſicke ſir; but I
will acquaint him with your deſire: pray walke into the next
Tom.If he ſhould dye now Coulter, and make me his heire?
Coult.I marry Mr. ſo you might make a better journey on’t
than the gentleman your brother.
Ex.
Fris.This to me is the greateſt wonder of all; that I am pre-
ſently poſſeſs’d of my Mrs. ſullen ſicknes, which has ee’n drawn
him to deaths doore, and my Miſtreſſes unfortunate condition
are nothing to this Country Hoydens relation:
Act 4. Scene 3.
Enter Touchwood.
O Mr.
Touchwood, you are the welcom’ſt Gentleman that ever
could come into ſo heavy a houſe.
Touch.A ſtinking one it is I am ſure: that naſty carrion thy Mr.
is i’my noſe already, I think I were beſt goe no further.
Fris.Let not the ſadneſſe of this place diſmay you.
Touch.But is he dead already, ha?
Fris.Not altogether dead ſir.
Touch.The worſe luck; and how does your Miſtris? ha, ha, ha,
Fris.She is in bodily health ſir, but very ſad and much diſcon-
HTouch.
The Sparagus Garden.
Touch.Not for her Grandſire, is ſhe; if the worſt dogge hee
keeps howles for him, Ile worry ſheepe with mine owne teeth,
and truſſe for him; but why is ſhe ſad, prethee tel me? ha, ha, ha.
Fris.I marvaile at your mirth ſir.
Touch.I would now give her a new Gowne, to tell me the true
cauſe that I might ſave mine oath, and rore out my rejoycings:
’twas a devilliſh trick of the Raſcalls to bind me by oath never
to ſpeake of it, but to thoſe that ſhould tell me of it firſt. I have
ſuch a coyle to keep it in now: Prethee tell me, what has the old
Traveller that is now bound for the Low Countries, gi’n thy Mrs.
Fris.Alas he is offended with her, ſhe has diſpleaſed him in
ſomewhat, that is the maine cauſe of his mortall ſickneſſe.
Touch.That’s my boy, there boy, there, that was a home blow.
Fris.She comes not at him ſir, nor dares not ſee him: do you know
Touch.No, no, no not I; s’bores I bit my tongue too
Fris.If you doe ſir, would you would ſpeake a good word for
her, that he may dye in charity with her.
Touch.The jade jeeres me, Ile ſtay no longer i ’ the houſe.
Fris.Nay good ſir ſay not ſo, after ſo many meſſages and en-
treaties, by all the beſt o’the pariſh, and an exhortation made to
you by the Miniſter himſelfe: did you vouchſafe to come, and wil
you now come ſhort to ſee my Maſter, now the Doctors have gi-
ven him over, and he is dying?
Touch.I confeſſe t’was my deſire to ſee that dying that brought
me hither: where is he? Ile hold my noſe, and have at him.
Fris.I hope you will be friends with him now ſir; for he’s e’en
Touch.Friends? Ile rather goe with him, and fight it out by
Act 4. Scene 4.
Enter Striker brought in a Chaire, Curate.
Fris.Looke you ſir here he is.
Touch.What up and in a Chaire?
[H1v]Fris.
The Sparagus Garden.
Fris.Yes ſir; he will not yield by any perſwaſion to dye in his
Touch.Then he may live to be hanged yet, for ought I ſee.
Cur.See ſir, your neighbour
Touchwood comes to be reconciled
Touch.You are quite beſides the book ſir
Domine; I have no
friends in hell to ſend to by him; no ſir, I come to ſee him dye, as
he liv’d a hatefull miſcreant
Cur.Let me pray and beſeech you to ſpeake more charitably, or
elſe not to offend the dying man with your preſence.
Touch.Doe I come to humour him, or you, or myſelfe, thinke
you; you that take upon you, and doe rather goe about to ſooth
him in his ſickneſſe, then to ſright him out of his paine, rather
encourage him to live then rid the world of him, and his abho-
Cur.Beſt looke into yourſelfe Sir: The world’s a ſtage, on
which you both are Actors, and neither to be his owne Judge.
Touch.But he has playd many vilde and beaſtly parts in it, let
him goe, I would ſee his laſt
Exit, and hiſſe him out of it: harke,
the Ravens cry porke for him, and yet he dyes not.
Fris.O you are a hard-hearted man.
Touch.My heart’s not hard enough to breake his, I would it
were: where’s your kinde-hearted Miſtris, fetch her, and trye
Stri.Huh, huh, huh.
Cough.
Cur.What have you done ſir?
Touch.So, ſo, ſo ſo it workes, it workes.
Stri.Out ſnarling Hell-hound my curſe upon thee, and thy cur-
ſed ſonne that has undone my Neece and mee: curſe upon curſe
Touch.How heartily he prayes; ſure he is near his end.
Cur.Pray ſir depart, you are too uncharitable.
Touch.My ſonne undone thy Neece: has he not done her think’ſt
Stri.Huh, huh, huh: Villaine thou knowſt what he has done;
Touch.I know not whether I know or no; tell me, and Ile tell
H 2Fris.
The Sparagus Garden.
Fris.Ile tell you then that which you know already,
Although you keepe it for a joy within you:
Your wicked ſonne has by her owne confeſſion
Done that unto her, that unleſſe he play
The honeſt mans part and marry her, he will
Full dearely anſwer it in Hell.
Touch.Speake Engliſh, has he laine with her?
She has confeſt it to her grandfather,
To me, and Mr. Pancridge here is made
She is depuſilated by your ſonne.
Touch.Depuſilated, ha, ha ha.
Cur.It is no laughing matter: therefore ſend
Speedily for your ſonne, before the rumour
Make it ridiculous: as yet none knowes it,
Your Divine Rhetorick there to him:;and winne him
But to entreat me in this caſe, and try
Stri.In this extremity I doe entreat that they may marry.
Touch.I have my ends upon thee; quickly dye,
And take thine owne, thy baſe ſubmiſſion
Has rendred thee more odious, more loathſome
To me than all thy former villanies.
Touch.And hark thee ere thou dyeſt, for now th’art going:
Before my ſonne ſhall wed that whore thy Neece,
She ſhall bring all the hands of all the whore-maſters
In City, Court, and Kingdome (black Coats and all)
I will ſpare none) unto a faire Certificate
That ſhe is cleare of all men but my ſonne.
[H2v]Touch.
The Sparagus Garden.
That ſhe is cleare of him too; and that hee
Has never top’d her in the way we treat of,
Before he wed her: for my ſonne ſhall not ride
In his old boots upon his wedding night:
Into thy grave, to rid us of thy ſtinke.
Cure.I have not knowne ſuch want of charity.
Fris.Unconſcionable wretch, thou haſt kild my Mr.
Stri.Ugh, ugh, no Fid ugh hem! he has cur’d me:
I am light at heart agen: he has cur’d me;
He has play’d the good Phyſitian’gainſt his will;
And a halter be his fee for’t.
Touch.The Devill I have, and his Dam it ſhall.
Stri.Ah hem! I am light at heart agen.
Touch.O damn’d old counterfeit.
Fris.Well fare your heart old Maſter.
Stri.Though ſhe prov’d baſtard-bellyed, I will owne her,
Cheriſh, maintaine, and keepe her from thy ſonne.
Touch.Oh I could teare that tongue out.
Touch.Doe, and her next, and fill thy houſe with baſtards.
Stri.Ile hold’hem more legitimate than thy brood.
Cur.What meane you gentlemen?
Stri.For thou, thy ſonne, thy houſe is all a Baſtard.
Touch.Beare witneſſe, he calls my houſe a Baſtard.
Touch.Ile make thy houſe to ſmoak for’t.
Stri.Beare witneſſe here, he ſaies he will fire my houſe.
Cur.For neighbour-hood and Charity ſpeak lower.
Stri.Tis petty treaſon; ile be wi’yee there ſir.
Touch.And hang thy ſelfe old ſcare-Crow.
Fris.Will you eate a peece of Ginger-bread for your Winde
Touch.Out Witch.
Kicks her.
Stri.Ile lay as many actions on thee as thou haſt bones in that
H 3Fris.
The Sparagus Garden.
Fris.My Nailes ſhall right me: Ile teach him to kick a wo-
Cur.Hold miſtris
Friſwood.
Fris.O Villaine kicke a woman.
Touch.Thou laidſt this plot to murder me, thou man-killer.
Stri.Blood-ſucker thou lyeſt.
Cur.Help from above, within, or any whence, in the name
of ſanctity I conjure you.
Flectere ſi nequeo ſuperos, Acheronta
Act 4. Scene 5.
Enter Tom and Coulter.
Tom.What’s the matter? by your leave which is my zick
Vncle? are you ſcuffling for’s money before he be dead.
Coul.Wee’l part you with a vengeance.
Touch.Ha you your Tennants, your Clownes here brought in
Stri.Slave they are thine, brought in to ſpoyle and rob mee; I
Cur.I feare I’ve conjur’d up fiends indeed, how infernally
Tom.No ſir, we come with no zick intendment on neither no-
ther zide; but an you be Mr.
Striker, we are o’your zide, an’t bee
to cut all the reſt into Pot-hearbs.
To Touch.
Tom.Zay but the word then, and have at’hem.
Touch.Had you your ambuſcado for me?
Cur.They are a paire of the Sedan Mules I take it.
Coul.Moyles ſir, wee be no Moyles would you ſhould well
Tom.We be Curſenfolke as good as your zelfe, and get you out
o’the houſe by mine Vncles leave here.
Touch.Your Vncle, oh brave.
Tom.Or if I baſte you not well a fine, and Lambe-ſkinne your
jackets till your bones rattle i’your hides, then zay cha bewrai’d
Touch.Well ſir, Ile goe and leave you to your Vncle: rejoyce
[H3v]ſir
The Sparagus Garden.
ſir with your kindred: I hope you wil have more ſhortly, if your
Neece prove fruitful: Come, Maſter Pancridge, will you goe?
Cur.With joy for your recovery, and manners to your priva-
cy, Right Worſhipfull I leave you to talke with’Clowne your
Touch.Tarry, tarry; as ſure as a Club, this Clowne is ſent for
out of the Country, to ſoder up his crack’d Neece in Matrimony,
and therefore calls him Vncle; I could ſpoyle the Match, but by
my oath I dare not; and therefore Clowne take thy courſe; come
let us goe Mr. Pancridge.
Ex.
Stri.And why you my Nephew ſir?
Tom.And why not I your Nephew; han’t ſhe told you, and
ha’not I told you as much as the matters worth, and doe yee
meane to vlee from the bargaine?
Stri.What new afflictions hourely find me out?
Fris.And for your health, I hope ſir.
Stri.Sir, Ile have better teſtimony then your owne;
Tis true I loſt a ſiſter; but till you
Bring ſtronger proofe ſhe was your mother ſir,
Your Clowneſhip muſt not Vncle me; am I we’you ſir?
Kings Crownes have beene pretended to by’impoſtures;
And knavery is as rife in Ruſſet Wooll,
As in the prowdeſt purple; get you gone,
There I am we’you directtly,
Tom.Is’t come to this now?
Coult.Your project will not hold Mr. Thomas, beſt zeek your
brother Tim, hee has a zertification from the pariſh, and the
Prieſt too, of all your mothers mind, and you could coſen him
on’t, and come agen, and Vncle this weeſe gentleman, whether he
wooll or no;’twould be vine i’vaith.
Tom.Agreed: well ſir, vor this time I ha no more to zay
t’yee, ſince you be ſo budge: but he that made you zave you.
Exeunt Amb.
Stri.Farewell ſir, I doe beginne to think there’s ſomething
Fris.He made me thinke he was your ſiſters ſonne I am ſure.
Stri.I will not thinke ſo, no he was ſet on
By ſome of my maligners to abuſe me;
[H4]It
The Sparagus Garden.
It had beene good to ha laid him by the heeles:
But let him goe; call downe my Neece out of
The melancholy miſt ſhe’s chambred in,
Ex. Fris.
All makes for her; their vexing me, reſtores
Her to my love againe; and reaſon good;
She’s mine owne naturall Neece: and though
She has loſt the huſband, and the name ſhe ſought,
Yet ſhe appeares a
Striker; and I will cheriſh her.
Scene 6.
Come you ſhal grieve no longer, I am friends wi’yee:
Ent. Annab.
Stand up, ſtand up I ſay, and look up too,
and kneels.
Off with this mourning veile, and dry thoſe teares:
I have conſider’d that right Noble Parents
Have pardon’d in their Children as great faults;
But let it bee your warning, not your licence.
An.For your ſecurity I am content,
And would entreat to live in that retirement,
Which your faire Juſtice, and my foule offence
Of late confin’d mee to, to weepe and ſigh
No longer live recluſe’d in wilfull darkneſſe;
Enjoy your former liberty; ſee, and be ſeene:
And (as you weigh my pardon and my love)
Let not your blemiſh dwell upon your face;
Nor any argument of griefe, or ſhame
Be legible there, to the moſt curious eye:
But let your cheek be chearefull, and your brow
Crown’d with as great a confidence, as may
Comply with Virgin Modeſty: and that
Adde to your beauty with full ſtrength of Art,
Beyond the eye to take a lovers heart.
An.In all I will obey you.
Choiſe of a huſband for you then, you’le take him.
An.Twill but become my duty.
Fris.Sir here’s the Knight come againe, that has been here in
the time of your ſickneſſe to have ſeene you, and my Miſtris, but
[H4v]could
The Sparagus Garden.
could not; and left a letter for you once: hee that looks women
Stri.Oh Sir
Arnold Cautious: did you tell him I was o’the
Fris.Yes I told him you were ſo, ſo.
Stri.Give me my Gowne and Cap though, and ſet mee chari-
ly in my ſickly chaire; his letter is a treaty of a match betwixt his
Nephew and my Neece: goe fetch him up.
Ex. Fris.
In Neece, and be not ſeene untill I call you: untill you heare me
call you, doe you heare?
Ex. Ann.
Could I but catch this Cautious coxecombe Knight now ––––
Act 4. Scene 7.
Enter Cautious and Friſwood.
Fris.Here is the Knight ſir.
Stri.Why reach you not a Chaire? I hope ſir
Arnold
You’ll pardon the neceſſity of my rudeneſſe:
I cannot riſe, nor ſtoope to you, uh, uh, uh.
Caut.Rather excuſe me ſir, that preſſe upon you.
Thus in your weakneſe: but you underſtand
My buſineſſe by my letter if you have read it.
Stri.Yes ſir, goe forth; but be not farre I pray you.
Ex. Fris.
I have heard your Nephew is a wilde yong man.
Caut.A very baſhfull boy I aſſure you; that’s the reaſon
That I am wonne to be a ſpokes-man for him.
Stri.Oh no diſſembling ſir; you know he is wilde.
And ſuffers under your diſpleaſure for’t: uh, uh, uh.
Caut.A witch could not geſſe righter: but they ſay
That dying men are Prophets oftentimes.
Suppoſe he has beene wild, let me aſſure you
He’s now reclaim’d, and has my good opinion:
And is as like in perſon and behaviour
To gaine the maids affection.
Stri.Speake to the purpofe; pray what’s his eſtate?
Caut.I there’s the poynt indeed; why ſir he has
A hundred pound a yeare; and is withall
A hopefull, and a handſome gentleman.
Stri.Hopefull, and handſome! uh, uh, uh.
ICaut.
The Sparagus Garden.
Caut.You ſir have wealth enough.
Stri.And ſhe has choiſe enough
Of greater matches: could I get her
In a marriage vaine, but ſhe’ll not look
Upon a man not ſhe; but lives retir’d
Here in my houſe, and is a carefull Nurſe:
She’s fitter ſir to be an old mans Nurſe,
Than any young mans bride: uh, uh, uh, uh.
Caut.Is ſhe ſo grave in youth? I have often ſought
A ſight of her, but never could obtaine it.
Stri.Not without my confent I warrant you:
Shee’s nearer to a mother than a maid.
I tell you truth ſir, and you know deceipt
Becomes not dying men: uh, uh, uh. For vertue and obedience
She’s fitter for yourſelfe then for your Nephew.
But to the poynt, a hundred pound a yeare
You ſay he has, and hopes and handſomneſſe,
Which may acquire, with your aſſurance of
So much for joynture –– Yes, a thouſand pound
In portion with her: but ſir let me tell you,
I’de rather give ſixe thouſand unto one
Of mine owne choiſe; which ſhe will not refuſe,
If I but ſay this is the man, and take him.
Caut.Will not your Neece be ſeene: I faine would ſee her.
Stri.At hand: ſhe will not out of my preſence ſir,
Nor ever was by man, not ſince the clocke
Of her Virginity ſtruck eleven, not ſhe,
Except at doore or window, as men paſſe:
And ſo perhaps your Nephew may have ſeene her.
Caut.Introth no otherwiſe; and ſo he told me.
Deceit you know becomes not dying men: uh, uh, uh.
And therefore harke you ſir, I have a purpoſe,
(That if ſhe take the man whom I will chuſe)
To make her my ſole heire; provided that
She match beſore
I dye: uh, uh, I cannot laſt.
Caut.Pray let me ſee your Neece.
[I1v]Stri.
The Sparagus Garden.
Stri.Friſwood––– why
Friſwood.
Stri.No ſir, I call my maid.
Caut.A maid; I took her for an old woman.
Stri.A maid upon my vertue: and I feare
That her frigidity has mortifi’d my Neece:
Deceipt becomes not dying men you know.
Friſwood I ſay, I bad her not be farre:
I dare not ſtraine my ſelfe to call her lowder.
Caut.Ile call her for you ſir:
Fris–
Stri.Hold ſir, hold, pray uſe this whiſtle for me,
I dare not ſtraine my ſelfe to winde it I,
The Docors tell me it will ſpend my ſpirits,
Caut whiſtles.
So, ſo, enough ſir – Fie, fie upon you:
Goe call my Neece, uh, uh.
Ex. Fris.
Caut.Be of good cheare ſir, and take courage man:
What you have beene a
Striker in your dayes:
And may be agen, I would not have him dye.
Stri.Uh – alas I cannot laſt ––– why comes ſhe not?
Fris.I cannot get her from her work; nor to
Beleeve me that you ſent for her, becauſe
I told her that a gentleman was with you.
Stri.There was your fault, then I mug call my ſelfe.
Why
Annabell, ah, ah, ah,
An-na-bell.Ex. Fris.
Caut.Take heede, ſtraine not your ſelfe too hard, but ſend agen:
The rareſt beauty that
I e’re beheld,
Act 4. Scene 2.
Which with a maiden-head of that growth,
Enter Annabel.
Would be an abſolute wonder, her ſweet modeſty.
And meeke obedience, juſtifies that too
She kneeles at
And makes her up a miracle of nature;
Strikers feet
My dormer miſbeliefe I doe renounce,
And at firſt ſight, (which is the birth of love)
A faith growes in me, ſtrengthened by the word
Of this expiring man, that chaſtity
Stri.You ſhall heare him.
Ann.What to propound a huſband? honour’d fir,
Although I rather wiſh to dye a Virgin;
I 2Yet
The Sparagus Garden.
Yet my obedience to your grave beheſts
Shall ſway my will: your choiſe ſhall be my liking:
But let me thus much favour begge, before
You make that choyſe, that you will not deſtroy
The building you have rear’d; your care and coſt
Hath built me up by vertuous education,
Unto that heighth that I conſider heaven;
And waxe ſo old in that high contemplation
That to look downe on youthfull vanities,
Were to be at a ſtand; and to delight in’hem
Were to fall backe againe; and to be link’d
In marriage, to a man whoſe wilde affections
Are bent to worldly pleaſures a maine perdition.
Caut.I dare not ſpeak to her for my Nephew now:
Nor(though I love her ſtrangely) for my ſelfe.
Ann.Doe you tell nme of his Nephew ſir? even hee
The Knight himſelfe, I hold to be too young
For a well govern’d man as the world goes.
Caut.I ha’not the heart to wrong her; ſhe’s too good.
Fris.Sir, here’s a gentleman preſſes at my heeles
Act 4. Scene 8.
Enter Gilbert with his arme in a Scarffe.
Caut.Mr.
Goldwire, what’s your haſte?
Gil.I come to crye you mercy, and this good gentleman;
And this ſweet Gentlewoman, who I take it
Is his faire Neece, of whom you are in treaty;
If it be not already gone too farre;
Let me entreate you not to put your finger
Further i’the buſineſſe in behalfe of your Nephew.
Caut.You firſt mov’d me to’t.
Your baſe unworthy Nephew has abus’d me;
I doe not ſpeake it for a ſlight hurt he has gi’n me,
But for his breach of faith to another Virgin.
Ann.Oh me; and would you ſpeak for ſuch a man?
Gil.And the falſe way, tlhe plot he had upon you,
To put you on this enterprize, the Quarrell
[I2v]In
The Sparagus Garden.
In which he reſcu’d you, to indeere himſelfe to you,
Was a meere counterfeit ſquable, a very tricke
Contriv’d betwixt him and his brother Poet
I leave it to your conſideration ſir:
I am in haſte; and ſo I wiſh you health ſir;
And you much happineſſe in a huſband Lady.
Gives her a
Ann.Has given me here a letter, I want but
letter. Ex.
Caut.Had he a plot upon me, Ile have my plot too;
And now woe for my ſelfe ſir if you pleaſe.
Stri.Sir, let me tell you, I thinke well of you, uh, uh,
Deceipt becomes not dying men you know,
Shee would make ee’ne too good a wife for you:
For I have heard ſir of your diſpoſition,
Never to marry without beſt aſſurance,
Firſt, of Virginity, and then of Chaſtity,
In her that you would chuſe; and let me tell you, uh, uh,
I know not where you can ſo well be fitted:
She’s right, uh, uh, if you dare take a weak mans word
Deceipt would ill become me, uh uh.
Caut.I take you at your word, and thanke you ſir.
Stri.Uh, uh, uh, uh ––– O lay me in my bed:
You need not leave me yet ſir.
It ſhall be a match, or no match ere I goe.
Exeunt omnes.
They lead Striker forth.
Act 4. Scene 9.
Money-Lacke, Springe, Brittleware, Hoyden.
Mon.NOw ſir have you your rules by heart?
Hoy.Both Rules and Rudiments I have al
ad unguem.
Mon.Repeate your Principles.
Hoy.Principles to be imprinted in the heart of every new made
gentleman: To commend none but himfelfe: to like no mans wit
but his owne: to ſlight that which he underſtands not: to lend mo-
ny, & never look for’t agen: to take up upon obligation, & lend
out upon affection: to owe much, but pay little: to ſell land, but
buy none: to pawn, but never to redeem agen: to fight for a whore:
I 3to
The Sparagus Garden.
to cheriſh a Bawd, and defie a trades-man.
Mon.And can you obſerve and keepe theſe rules thinke you?
Hoy.I hope I can ſir, and have begunne pretty well already;
you ſee I have ſpent and lent all my money, and pawn’d all
my Cloaths but theſe a’my backe, as I am a cleare gentleman; and
for the reſt of the rudiments, and the ſeverall carriages and de-
portments by garbe, by congy, complement, &c., which are to
be attain’d by practice when I come abroad and amongſt’hem,
you ſhall gaine credit by me.
Mon.I commend your confidence: now Mr.
Springe, and Mr.
Brittleware, play you the Complementaſters before him a little,
for his further inſtruction: Imagine then a couple of Courtiers
ſcarcely acquainted fall to; and looke that you congy in the new
French Bum-trick; here Landlord, take his Cloak and hat, to ap-
Mon.Come meet and begin; play but two or three bouts at
moſt at ſingle Rapier complement, and one or two at Back-ſword
and you ha done: now obſerve ſir.
Hoy.Single Rapier, and Back-ſword Complement foyle.
Spr.Noble Maſter Fine-wit, the ſingle example of Court-Cere-
mony, if my apprehenaion deale fairely with me.
Brit.Sir, how auſpiciouſly have I falne upon the knowledge of
you by vertue of the ſame apprehenſion
Scene 10.
Enter Gil, Sam, Wat, aſide.
Sam.Peace, let’ ſee a little more.
Hoy.As I am a Gentleman, a neate bout and fairely come off o’
Spr.Sir, I ſhall ever bleſſe the promptneſſe of my memory, in
being ſo fortunate to collect the fallicious acquaintance of ſo
Hoy.Sweet ſir I ſhall ever bleſſe, &c.
Writes in his tables.
Brit.Oh you are pleas’d out of that noble worth which can
convert all things to the forme and image of its owne perfecti-
[I3v]on,
The Sparagus Garden.
on to make your ſelfe glorious, with that which is miſerably im-
Hoy.Miſerably impoveriſht in it ſelfe – oh ſweet,
Spr.Sir, you have ſuch a conquering way in humility, that hee
ſhall be ſure to come off vanquiſh’d that offers to contend
Brit.This is the nobleſrt of all humanity to peece up the defect
of your friend with a glory of your owne.
Mon.A plaine hit that: there were three bouts well plaid.
Hoy.Peece up the defect of your friend with a glory of your
owne: moſt ſtately fine as I am a gentleman.
Mon.So much for ſingle Rapier: now for your ſecret wipe at
Hoy.I that I would ſee, like the hackling of the Millers leggs:
now for a delicate back-blow.
Spr.See you yon fellow I held complement with?
Hoy.Yes ſir, a well-ſpoken gentleman and a lovely.
Spr.The arrantſt trifle in a Kingdome.
Hoy.What he is not, is he?
Spr.Made onely to make phyſicke worke: a very lumpe of
Mon.You have done well: now you ſir.
Brit.Doe you note him yonder that paſt from you?
Brit.The very ſcorne at Court;
So empty, not one paſſable part about him.
Brit.A very tilting ſtocke for yong practiſers to break their
Hoy.Good and enough; doe you call this good enough, to abuſe
Mon.Yes, this is backſword Complement: this wipes off the
falſe praiſe which the firſt thruſt on: you muſt bee ſeene in both,
or you are no true garbiſt elſe.
Hoy.J ſhall ſooneſt hit o’this; for from a whelpe I could give
[I4]Gil.
The Sparagus Garden.
Gil.Now break in upon’hem; ſave you ſir
Hugh.
Hoy.O courſe ſalutation: ſave you ſir
Hugh.
Mon.How got you hither gentlemen?
Wat.Here we are ſir, and have ſeene part of your practice, your
Mon.Peace: but how got you in, and a ſtranger with yee?
Gil.He ſhall betray nothing.
Sam.We found faire entrance into the houſe.
Gil & Wat
Brit.’Sfoot where’s my wife then?
whiſp. with Mon.
Sam.If your wife be the gentlewoman o’the houſe ſir, ſhee’s
now gone forth in one o’the new Hand-litters: what call yee it,
Spr.He’s runne mad with his hornes.
Hoy.He’s runne with my Hat and Cloak by your leave.
Spr.He’ll come agen, neare doubt him.
Hoy.You ſay ſo ſmall acquaintance, but I could ne’re ſee any
thing of mine againe, ſince I came amongſt you, if it once got out
of my ſight: what money have I left troe?
Tells.
Brit.I pray gentlernen which way took ſhe.
Sam.Downe towards the Strand I tell you, in a new Litter,
Brit.A Litter of one and twenty in the breech: High time to
Gil.You ſee we have our plot in action too, ſir
Hugh, and it
Mon.But what a rogue art thou to put ſuch a ſlur upon thine
owne Vncle; firſt to put him on for thy ſelfe, then you with a
Counterfeit tricke to put him off o’that courſe,to runne deſpe-
rately headlong to breake his owne necke in a match: what a
Rogue art thou to uſe thine Vncle thus?
Wat.Nay what a wretch were you, if you ſhould croſſe your
daughter in ſuch a fortune?
Mon.Which if I doe, cut my wind-pipe: what the yong ras-
call
Touchwood is gone into
France they ſay?
Mon.Sir
Cautious to be catched! if I doe not love my daugh-
ter the better for her lucky leg ſtretching, I am a villaine, I am
taken with ſuch kind of roguery.
[I4v]Gil.
The Sparagus Garden.
Gil.Take heed you have not a croſſe plot in that itching pate
of yours to ſpoyle all now.
Mon.Then cut my weaſond I ſay.
Gil.And I ſweare I will, or cut theſe hands off; I thought good
to tell you ſo, becauſe I know what tricks you have done, & what
diſcoveries you have made for ſmall parcells of ready money.
Mon.Hoo poxe, I want no money; now look there comes
Mr.
Hoyden, ſalute theſe gallants.
Hoy.What without a hat or cloak?
Mon.The better for a young beginner.
Hoy.Sweet Sir, I ſhall ever bleſſe my auſpicious ſtarres, that
ſhin’d me into the fallicious acquaintance of ſo ſingular goodnes.
Gil.Sir, you forget yourſelfe.
Hoy.Moſt ſingular ſweet ſir, mos miſerably impoveriſh’t in it
Gil.Good ſir forbeare, make not an Idoll of me.
Hoy.You peece up the defect of your friend with a glory of
Sam.Can you ſay this Gentleman was a Clowne within this
Hoy.Within this fortnight I aſſure you ſir, as rank a Clown o’
one ſide, as ever held Cow to Bull.
Sam.Had it beene o’both ſides, it had beene miraculous.
Hoy.Now note me ſir: doe you ſee that fellow I left?
Hoy.The arranteſt coxcomb in a Country.
Hoy.Made onely to make Phyſick worke.
Sam.You doe not know him ſure.
Hoy.A tilting ſtocke for young practiſers to break jeſts on:
there’s a wipe for you at backeſword Complement.
Sam.There’another for you ſir.
Kicks him.
Hoy.You knocke at the wrong doore ſir, and I pitty your igno-
rance: goe to ſchoole as I have done, and learn more wit: kick a
Act 4. Scene 11.
Enter Tom Hoyden and Coulter.
Coult.Here he is, and here be all the crue on ’hem, and more.
Tom.Here? thou mockſt he is not here: ſure theſe be all Lords
Spr.Slid’tis his Clowne brother he ſpake of?
KTom.
The Sparagus Garden.
Tom.Is’t poſſible; icha made a ſweet jaunt after you, and have I
vound a vine voole o’thee; where’s thy voure hundred pound? is
that made a voole on too troe: where’s the zartificate my mother
ga’thee to vinde thine Vncle? gi’me that, chill zee what I can
Hoy.Away Clowne I know thee not, canſt thou complement?
Tom.Complement! yes, I can complement dagger out o’ſheath,
Coult.I hope he’ll veeze you, and make your zilken jacket hum:
well zed Mr.
Thomas to’hem, and to’hem all Ile zide yee.
Mr.
Thomas does he call him?
Tom.Yes, Mr.
Thomas, and what zay you to that; and as good
a Mr. as the beſt o’yee, and you goe to that; for by uds ſhall jidge
me, I think you are all but a company of Cheaterlings; and if you
doe not give the voole my brother ſartifaction for the wrongs
you ha’done him, and me in him, Ile canvas it out o’ the carkas-
ſes o’zome o’yee, by uds daggers death will I. Draw
Coulter, &
Mon.Hold ſir, hold, you ſhall have ſatiſfaction.
Tom.O ſhall I zoe, put up againe
Coulter.
Gil.This is a ſtout roring Clowne.
Mon.Where’s the Mr. o’the houſe?
Spr.He’s runne mad after his wife, now he ſhould look to his
Tom.Cha mich a doe to vorbeare beating o’thee yet, my vin-
gers doe zo itch at thee.
Hoy.I underſtand thee not, as I am a gentleman.
Tom.But now I thinke on’t
Coulter, we’ll have all againe, &
by a quieter way; and teach’hem to licke hony, catch birds with
Chaffe, or go to plow with dogs.
Hoy.Ha, ha, ha; who underſtands the Barbarian tro?
Coul.Uds viſh Maſter: they do nothing but jeer to you all this
Tom.Doe they jeere, let’hem jeer and gibe too; ile vetch ones
Warrant ſhall out-jeere’hem all, and he be above ground.
Mon.You ſhall not need ſir; go but in till the Mr. of the houſe
comes home, you ſhall have your deſire.
Tom.You zay very well ſir; zay well is good, but doe well is
better. Lets zee what you will doe now,
[K1v]Gil.
The Sparagus Garden.
Gil.Remember we have warned you, ſir
Hugh, we muſt leave
Tom.Nay, I chill look to you; ſirrah come in my hand.
Mon.Now for a trick to rid us of this Clowne,
Or our trade ſinks, and up our houſe is blowne.
Ex. omnes
